Fear & Loathing In Absentia

zombie dreams

2012-02-11T10:30:00.002-04:00

I'm still dealing with this 'situation' at my apartment buidling with the smoker downstairs. I'm staying with family while I attempt to sort this situation out. Two nights ago, I had nightmares for the first time in years, in which I was being stalked by an endless stream of zombies. No matter how many I stabbed in the neck with my trusty screwdriver, and no matter how far I ran or how well I hid, they just kept coming. It was exhausting. I'd wake up in a bit of a panic, hoping that upon falling asleep again, my dreams would be zombie free...with no luck. All night it was the same dream...me, navigating backyard parties full of normal looking people (for the most part) who'd instantly notice my presence and proceed to get up and chase me. I'd kill one zombie in a group, and the rest would temporarily attack the 'victim', feasting on them, before turning their attention back to me.

Then yesterday, after work, I paid my apartment a visit, to find it once again stinking of smoke. After checking my mailbox moments earlier, and finding a piece of mail addressed to the offending apartment, I decided that I'd use the excuse of 'bringing the mail' to finally suss out what was going on in the unit, and potentially confront the smoker and his friends.

The initial encounter got very heated very quickly as my frustration level elevated with each sentence as I attempted to explain why his smoking was a serious problem.

"You're not supposed to smoke in the units..this is a non-smoking building! You've been told!"

"I'm trying to smoke outside..."

"Trying?!?" I shot back. "There's no trying...NO SMOKING!"

That's when I slammed his screen door and got an earful from one of his young friends. Dude stepped up and got all 'You don't know who you're messing with', calling me a 'tough guy', essentially trying to intimidate me.

Not happening. At this point, I am so past being frustrated about this that I'm not afraid of who these guys are, or what they say...and it showed. However, upon returning to my unit, and hearing the group calling me host of names etc., I decided that I didn't like how our confrontation ended, so I went back downstairs.

I knocked on the door, and asked to speak with the guy outside. I apologized for slamming the door out of frustration, but wanted them to understand that my current living situation has been compromised by what they're doing, and that it needed to stop. I wasn't a bad guy...I'm not a 'tough guy'...I'm just a guy who's pissed off that his place smells like stale smoke. I explained that normally, I don't give a shit what people do in the privacy of their own home...loud music, or late night TV isn't an issue as its part of the package when you rent an apartment. Friends coming and going at all hours, while not ideal, isn't illegal and thus is something I can deal with. But when everyone who enters that unit lights up and smokes...and attempts to cover it up by cracking the door and running the bathroom ceiling fan 24/7...its a problem.

After about 5 minutes of pleading my case, and trying to show I'm not the raving 'angry neighbour' that I seemed to be minutes earlier, the situation calmed way down. I was told by the smoker that he was 'probably' moving out at the end of the month, and that he'd try to smoke outside. Still not what I wanted to hear, but at least it was something. I went back to my unit, coming down from the rush of the confrontation...and was proud of what I'd done.

I stood up to those mindless, selfish people smoking downstairs, gave them a piece of my mind, and didn't let the situation to spiral out of control. It got me thinking that maybe my zombie nightmares the night before had subconciously prepared me for what I was about to do...what I needed to do. There were no screwdrivers to the neck...no overwhelming wave of undead...but after the events of the day, I think my subconcious was very helpful in pushing me to 'take the next step' in this situation.

How messed up is that?

fresh air

2012-02-03T20:44:00.005-04:00

Its amazing what a couple of nights sleeping in a smokeless bedroom can do for a guy. I'm waking up without that sick, dizzy feeling, I’ve got my appetite back, and I’m smiling again. Seriously, its like night and day. For all you smokers out there…I honestly don’t understand why you do it. Well, I do…but after spending the last month continuously engulfed in varying levels of secondhand smoke, I can’t imagine what life for a smoker must be like. Sure, for some it gets them through the day…takes the edge off…relaxes them…but that shit is poison, there is no doubt in my mind about that now.

My battle with ‘the guy downstairs’ seems to be in a bit of a ceasefire right now as I stay away, checking my place daily for signs of smoking and reporting back to my landlord. Incredibly, it’s going to be tough to give this guy the boot…but I’m dug in right now, scope squarely planted on this assholes front door. Others are telling me I should just move…but then he wins. Well…I win too because I won’t ever have to worry about coming home after a long day at work and trying to fall asleep in a cloudy haze of chemicals…but the fact that its still 50/50 I’ll be living in the apartment I’ve called home for the past 4 years is kind of sad.

The landlord has suggested I ‘talk’ to the guy and explain that I’m allergic, which made me shake my head. Oh, so if I wasn’t feeling ill and it was just a matter of my stuff stinking to high hell there wouldn’t be a problem? Poor guy is just trying to protect his own ass, as he’s the one who okay’d this guy to move in, and he doesn’t want it to come back to bite him any more than it probably already has. But I’ll tell you this much, if I’m the one who goes, good luck renting this place afterwards. And good luck renting Smokey’s place once he stops paying rent and leaves the place a disaster zone…which will happen!

In the mean time, I’m crashing with my parents, enjoying cable TV, fresh air, and quiet nights.

...to be continued…

time stops

2012-01-31T09:56:00.003-04:00

I haven't slept in over 72 hours.

I started a new job yesterday and barely survived. I turned in at 9pm last night in an attempt to get a good nights sleep, only to be kept awake all night by the stench of stale cigarette smoke and roaring bathroom ceiling fans.

And my rage.

I haven't slept in over 72 hours.

I'm as angry and frustrated as I've been in a long, long time. And it feels as if I'm totally powerless to do anything about it. I've got nowhere else to go...this is my home...and yet, I can't sleep here. I can't even eat here. I can barely even breath anymore.

I just want to go to sleep...but even that, I'm afraid, won't be enough after all of this.

Because I haven't slept in over 72 hours.

iron butterfly

2012-01-28T01:05:00.003-04:00

I feel my life shifting.

I've gone through a few of these crossroads type periods before, and they always feel profound, or heavy...like something really is happening. Something is changing. It might be change for the better...it might be a turn for the worse...but something is dying and something else is being born.

That's happening to me. Now the question is, is this something I have control over? I think I do. Be it right or wrong, I have the choice of which way I point myself and how I face what I walk into along that path. Everything else is just...life?

Worst part about all this is that I'm the least excited about this 'change' as I've ever been. Maybe I'm just jaded from all those times when I thought 'this time' and was wrong? Maybe I'm just old? But maybe this business like approach to the next stage of my life is a good sign? Like I've finally grown up a bit and let some of that idealism that was weighing me down to slide off my shoulders.

This past 6 months has been a different kind of pain. Hardened up whatever soft bits I had left I think.

a shot through the heart

2012-01-25T23:44:00.002-04:00

It’s amazing to me how another person can bring you to life just by thinking about them. Just spending an hour in their presence, despite all the bullshit and hurt feelings and broken hearts and ignorance and selfishness and naiveté and misery, can put a spring in your step you wouldn’t have thought possible 12 hours earlier.

Maybe I just woke up on the right side of the bed this morning? Maybe the fact I didn’t wake up in a smoky haze and was breathing actual air at 9:00 am was a good thing? Or maybe, I was never wrong…it just wasn’t meant to be…and we can still be friends?

I don’t know how they do it.

subtract the ads

2012-01-24T00:10:00.005-04:00

I've had it with the Internet.

More specifically, I've had it with Internet advertising, and flashy websites that slow my computer down to a crawl as cute little icons and animated ads load on the side, top, bottom and anywhere else they can fit on my screen. Its to the point where I avoid sites, that I used to frequent daily, because I end up tearing my hair out trying to navigate from page to page...or have to wait 2 minutes for the home page to load.

I remember the days when the Internet was mostly just text and message boards and it was all about having access to information and being able to jump from one page to the next with a smiple 'click' of the mouse. There were pictures and lots of cool stuff to look at...but I got to choose to look, or not look. Now, I'm running adscans and virus scans every other day because my computer, which is old (but never had problems until the past 12-24 months), just can't take the deluge of 'downloads' each page forces upon it like some sort of force-feeding machine. Just now, I had to unplug my computer instead of waiting for the online dating website ad on Hotmail to load all those pictures of fake people who I have no desire of ever contacting, let alone date. Or how about the time that I had to wait what seemed like forever so that cute little AMEX airplane gif could load and fly across the 4 inches of screen they bought?

I cut cable TV about 4 years ago, and while I do miss getting to watch a ballgame on a summer night, or mindlessly sitting in front of the TV for a couple of hours to unwind while flicking through channels...there's a lot more that a I don't miss, and why I have no desire to ever become an avid TV watcher again. Ads are at the top of the list (with TV news) of things I don't miss. And now...between crappy Internet service, the $50 a month bill, and all these freaking ad-clogged websites, I'm seriously contemplating going totally wireless...as in, no internet at all!

And while that may be at the extreme end of my game of 'how far will I go' to have my sanity...I have already found replacement sites for a couple of the ones that were really bad...and if Hotmail, IGN.com and yahoo don't improve, I'll be taking my business elsewhere from now on! So be warned...style over substance will lose out every time with me.

It truly is a disgusting reminder of how shameless and greedy our capitalist society has become when a service, once thought of as revolutionary and world changing as the Internet was once considered (and, honestly, still is...), can slowly devolve into just another outlet for companies to sell us stuff we don't need, interupt what we want to be doing to show us commercials, and sell us on how cool and hip they are by the slickness of their online banner advertising.

window shopping

2012-01-22T01:25:00.006-04:00

I don’t know what all of this is going to turn into. In days gone by, I sometimes couldn’t wait to jump on the computer and spew words onto the screen, eager to see if any of it made sense afterwards. It was all so new and fresh. Now, it feels kind of forced. That could just be me working off the rust, but I really don’t know why I’m doing this again?

Ultimately, I’m hoping that maybe the forced honesty that this forum provides will give me a slap in the face to what I’m doing wrong? Or maybe it’ll tell me who I am now?

I think more than before, I have a lot more questions. I thought I had the answers before. I’m a smart guy…I’ve learned a thing or two along the way…but the older I get, it seems like when it comes to the important stuff, I’m kind of clueless.

Actually, I think more than anything I’ve just been sticking my head in the sand far too often instead of facing the reality of whatever situation is before me. I’ve let my imagination…my idealism…my romanticism run reckless as I attempted to build this misguided, fantasy-land of an existence shuttered away from the rest of the ugly world.

I’ve been kidding myself.

I’m not sure I know how to change…I’m afraid I’m pretty set in my ways at my age…but the stars seem to be aligning for one more window to redemption…and I intend on forcing my way through it.

ripped

2012-01-20T04:55:00.000-04:00

I'm at war with myself.

guns and roses

2012-01-19T00:10:00.004-04:00

The past two years have been a bit of a blur. I thought when I walked away from my little corner of the Internet in ’09 that things were going to change. Blogging, writing, venting…whatever you want to call this exercise…had served its purpose…it had opened my eyes to a side of myself I’d only caught glimpses of in notebooks and outside the margins in school notes…but it had run its course. It was a capsule of a period of my life, left to float in the infinite of the internet. I rarely, if ever, visited over the past 26 months…to the point where I had pretty much forgotten about F&LIA.

So why did I come back?

Its hard for me to pinpoint, but like most anything in a man’s life, it was at least partly about a girl. A weight has recently been lifted off my shoulders, much to my chagrin at the time. But in hindsight, it has really freed me to move forward completely unencumbered by any ties to anything. And that, somehow, has rekindled a desire to write. What this will turn into, and for how long I don’t know…but the fact that it felt like ‘time’ was an interesting feeling that I haven’t had in a while. Its been an especially rough 6 months on a lot of fronts, and now its just about me, and will stay that way for a while. I don’t exactly have the best record recently when it comes to self-motivating and following through on what sparks of inspiration I’m able to capture…and this world can be tough enough when you’ve got a partner-in-crime, let alone when you’re a lone gunman…so its not like I’m overflowing with confidence. But the fact that I’m going to be running solo for the foreseeable future feels oddly liberating, yet also quite terrifying as well…in a heavy chest kind of way. But it’s the only way I’m going to do this…because I can honestly say that I don’t trust anyone anymore.

heartbeat

2012-01-16T00:42:00.000-04:00

with balloons

2009-11-25T00:58:00.001-04:00

resolve (?)

2009-11-20T03:28:00.006-04:00

I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. Its all a game. A messed up game. I’m convinced this is all some cosmic joke. That after I die, they’ll play back the tape like some sort of America’s Most Painfully Funny Videos and I’ll be expected to laugh. Laugh at my misfortune. Laugh at the indignity of my inner self towards myself. Laugh at how close it all was to being so very different.

And why wasn’t it? Me. I did that.

But isn’t that the way its supposed to be? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Take control of our lives for ourselves…create our own destiny? Only mine ended up with my walking down a dark alley for 15 years before coming to a dead end. Now I’ve got to turn back? Are you kidding me? But I knew it all along. Of course I did.

And so I will have to settle. For this.

death and trees

2009-11-16T01:07:00.002-04:00

pull this car over

2009-11-09T00:38:00.000-04:00

inside out

2009-11-08T20:21:00.004-04:00

Uneventful 5 days. Sort of how I wanted it to be, sort of how I expected it to be. But still…

All this has really done is give me some extended time to myself…and I haven’t really done anything with it. Again…that was the point, and I did need it…but, I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that I’d grab the reins a little bit and…but that is so not me…and getting all depressed and upset over money issues and using that as an excuse to ‘cut back’ and not really do anything interesting or exciting is me…so why am I here then? Sitting here documenting it? How embarrassing, right?

Trying to put it behind me I guess? Tomorrow is my last day off, but I figured I’d get a head start…you know, give myself a day to run some practice drills and do a walkthrough…before I head back to work and crank the ol’ effort meter back up to 100% after a rough couple of weeks. Its never that I don’t care…even when I say I don’t…because I do, and always will…its just that sometimes it feels like just when you’ve got something under control, under your thumb…another new problem/obstacle/idiot jumps in your way…and you’re back at square one...its hard to not let that get to you. I let it get to me. Life is square one every single day it seems. But really it isn’t, because there’s baggage. Sometimes it hits you as soon as you open your eyes, sometimes not until you're on your way to work, and sometimes you may string one or two really good days together where you almost forget…almost…before there’s another leak in the wall…and your feel like your scrambling again. Always scrambling.

Its that part I don't like. I don’t like scrambling. But I know I’ll never have control...or, I'm understanding that fact a little better at least. Control is impossible. So I need to lower my expectations, and my target, and actually shoot for something that’s attainable. If I look like I'm in control, that's half the battle sometimes. I need to stop sticking my neck out so far...and just join the mob already and fight for my piece of the carcass. I need to do this…but will I? Can I?

I honestly don't know...

six days to change my mind

2009-11-04T01:53:00.003-04:00

For the first time in my working life, I will be taking a brief, paid, vacation to the sunny shores of my couch. Its my couch because the brakes on my car, that were apparently fine in March, required $urgery, completely wiping out the money that I had saved in order to ‘treat myself’ and have a good time. All of it. And then some. Months of denying myself to put a dent into the credit card bills…and I’m faced with this calamity just as I’m about to embark on what was supposed to be an easy going, no stress 6 days.

I want to meet whoever it is that’s in charge with doling out these kinds of things, cause I want to ask him/her/it what it is I’m doing, and how I can stop doing it so that I stop being picked on. I know everyone feels picked on…nobody gets what they really want…but fuck me?!?!

I’m still going to have a good 6 day break. I’m going to go out and take some pictures. I may take the train into the city and have ‘lunch’. I’m going to rearrange my apartment, sleep in late, and cook at least one fantastic meal. I’m going to wake-and-bake for the first time in…a while…I’m going to go home and play snooker with my father…and I’m going to go for a run. A long one.

But most importantly, these 6 days are about forgetting…about distance…about looking deep inside, making a choice and pouring a coat of resolve all over it. I’ve been miserable for over a month now…real fucking pain…confusion…resentment…frustration…and for the first time in a long time, the faint hint of hopelessness. Normally I’d shake off those feelings with a vigorous ‘smarten up’…but these days I’ve been soaking in it a little too much…wallowing in the mire so to speak…lingering…probably because I’m just so tired, and curious, to see if it still feels the same. It does…only a little worse cause I’m older. Sort of like how hangovers pack that extra weight into their punch when you get into your late 20’s. The gravity of everything is so much more…how the fuck do you not take life so seriously? I mean, I do need to lighten up...but at this point, what's funny? It’s a fucking disaster zone everywhere you look…controlled chaos. The world is fucked up…seriously…it really, really is. And the people in it... But yet things keep on going. How? How is this not catching up to us? Or has it?

This is what I’m trying to forget. I don’t want to care anymore. Any of it. I want to turn it off.

So I’m going inside.

nevermind

2009-10-29T01:48:00.004-03:00

Nirvana

somewhere near the bottom

2009-10-28T01:20:00.002-03:00

This gets harder and harder every time. You'd think the opposite to be true, but no. Maybe that's just another example of why I'm not and everyone else is. I'm fighting so hard, but its as if I'm doing nothing. I'm where I belong.

in the vines

2009-10-27T00:51:00.006-03:00

Castanets

everybody knows this is nowhere

2009-10-24T15:36:00.002-03:00

Neil Young

the days are long

2009-10-19T18:50:00.003-03:00

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

from Alone by Edgar Allen Poe

burn

2009-10-16T00:34:00.006-03:00

I don’t exactly know if I’m growing, or dying?

person to person

2009-10-14T23:50:00.002-03:00

I really want to start over. Push the reset button and wipe the slate clean. This time will be different. No more of the same mistakes. I know better now. I’m running out of excuses. Some things are just not meant to be. Nothing is for everybody.

Sitting still. Ready to wash away the past. There isn’t anything to look back on anymore. It all hurts. The joys are so faded, so used up, that its like white noise…you feel something, but its just another kind of numb. And all you’re left with is a faint hope that you’ll find your footing someday. Somehow all this will click.

Faint.

I’m running out of everything.

Exotica (1994)

2009-10-13T21:05:00.006-03:00

****

Sometimes a mood and a movie fit perfectly, resulting in a 'memorable' viewing experience. I've seen Exotica probably 4 times over the years, and each time, its been a different movie. The layers peeled back to reveal another not seen the first time. Well, I was in 'that' mood last night...really twisted up inside...and decided to put it on, mostly for background. I just wanted to be distracted. But I sat down, and from the opening title song...I was pulled in.

I forgot how hypnotic this film was. Part of me is at a loss for words because I'm tired, and part of me is at a loss simply because I don't think I can really do this film justice by talking about it. Its still haunting me.

testing, testing

2009-10-11T03:18:00.008-03:00

Sometimes it feels like life gets tougher. Things come to a head. You reach one of those pivitol forks in the road and your life can go in any number of new directions. A lot of it is out of our hands. You may be tired, and weary…but still you have to face a ‘who/what/where/when/why’ decision that could drastically alter the path of your life.

I’m at that point right now.

Again.

Again.

I know I’m being tested. I can feel it. Even the fortune cookie told me so. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. I can sense it in the people around me. There are probably invisible rays shooting off me like some sort of lasers…piercing the air and anything in their path with sharp, pulsating daggers of strange mojo. I’m probably not a very fun person to be around right now. And I know I’m not making much sense when I talk. I’m all tongue tied and saying stuff I don’t mean or don’t mean to say. I’m stressed out…worn out…strung out…just out is what I am…but I feel the need to shake it off…to break through the wall this time. But I’m weak. Skin and bone. I don’t have it in me, and that's the truth. I barely make it though the day some days…and I’m expected to climb this new mountain? With a bruised heart….and a crazy head?

It makes me laugh. Its all I can do.

distance

2009-10-04T02:49:00.000-03:00

something big

2009-10-01T01:52:00.006-03:00

At this point in time, I am falling.

Farther away.

I know I will hit the ground.

But where?

how?

2009-09-30T02:12:00.005-03:00

I really don't understand. I'm just supposed to be myself? I thought that’s what I was doing…what I’ve been doing. Its like I’m dancing some fucked up dance…some steps familiar and enticing, others not-so-much. Is it really me? I'm I that out of tune? I ain’t a dud. I’ve met duds. I'm not a dud...at least I don't think so. Sure...I could do better...but that's not it. Am I just a curiosity to be admired from a safe distance? Someone who looks nice on paper...but in the moment is...difficult to digest?

Now hope just seems pathetic. I'm in a vice.

cake

2009-09-27T21:47:00.003-03:00

photo ~ squareamerica.com

It would seem that I've lost my appetite.

last page

2009-09-19T18:58:00.004-03:00

~ by Dash Snow

789

2009-09-16T03:34:00.005-03:00

I should just go to bed. I should just let this day go and forget this is real. Just a weird, fucked up day is all. But I can’t just let it go. Not my style. So I make it worse. I dig out the corners a little more…stomp down the shit a little more…always room for more.

Now I’m the puppet master who just doesn’t have the will to keep the puppets dancing…but does it anyway. Because its his job. Because its his life. Because he’s a ‘nice’ guy. Because he knows what he is and what he isn’t.

I hate myself for this right now. Even more so tomorrow when I read it in the light of day and have to look at myself in the mirror and think to myself ‘what the fuck are you doing Neil?’ and want to drive my face right through the glass. Instead I’ll hop in the shower and try and have a good day despite myself. I never really saw myself as a loser before…not inside...if there was a loser test, I’m sure I’d score pretty high, but tests lie sometimes...but now what it really means for me is starting to sink in. I see it at work everyday of my life. I feel it around the house. Like a cold slap in the face when I start daydreaming. I feel it in my bones like I used to feel about what could be. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

What the fuck?

forever space

2009-09-12T15:22:00.005-03:00

On quicksand ground
With vertigo sounds
Blackouts and white lies
And dynamite bones

into the desert

2009-08-05T22:09:00.002-03:00

photo by ~ unknown

ugly language

2009-08-05T00:53:00.004-03:00

I'm sitting here trying to find a round about way to say how much of an ass-hole I feel sometimes...but its probably easiest if I just come out and say it.

I'm an ass-hole!

I really am. Not all the time. In fact, a good 80-90% of the time, I'm a nice guy...to your face and behind your back. I don't talk bad about people unless they've done something bad to me...and even then, its not the behind-the-back variety...they know. But sometimes, out in public, or at work, I turn into a bitter pill of a person. I'm tired, I've had a hard day...and someone just does something.

Today was a difficult day, and right before it was over...with about 45 minutes to go...in walks the final problem for the day. I could sense it. I did everything I could to avoid a confrontation...but for whatever reason, the ass-hole Neil stepped up and started getting loud...and started talking...saying stuff that, well, I wouldn't normally say...yes, it was under my breath, but still loud enough that maybe, just maybe, it was overheard. After that, it was looks and more muttering into my collar...and then jumping in with attitude right at the end. As I stood there, holding the door...I felt a tinge of relief, but a larger wave of regret. Why couldn't I have been nice for those last 40 minutes? Why didn't I just step outside and grab some air? Maybe I just had to do it...to get it off my chest? Still...its been happening a lot more lately, and in my line of work, its just not good sportsmanship...I need to be the bigger man.

I guess I'm just really worn down, and a little jumpy. Big meeting tomorrow. Early.

I'm just bummed out that, despite what was a miserable day, I found a way to make it feel even worse...dragging this home with me...knowing full well I'm not the kind of guy to just 'let this go' so easy.

Lesson learned?

straw house

2009-08-03T23:16:00.008-03:00

I’m trying to stay the course on this one. Long term. Baby steps.

Some days are harder than others. I think the best way to describe what I’m trying to do right now is ‘hold it together’…because it feels like at any moment, any piece of me could break off and fall away and cause a total collapse. My insides are going crazy. Its like my heart and my brain are being split into multiple units...like cells dividing...ripping and tearing...all now working overtime on a different problem/situation. I'm hurting. But if I can hold it together, maybe the parts will start to fuse back together...better and stronger than before.

Fuck.

I’m just clutching at straws right now, trying to keep myself positive. Fuck. I hate that I’m still counting on someone else to come into my life and help me help myself. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? How did all these years of heartache and pain not result in my throwing in the towel years ago? I can't do it anymore. Its just too much.

Now I'm just tired. So fucking tired. I hate that I sound like a broken record...and that this blog has been reduced to...this...you'd think one of these days I'd read something that I've posted for the 1000th time and it would sink in and I'd get it. I hate that I can’t break the cycles that keep me going down, down, down…only to start all over again at the top.

click

2009-08-01T00:36:00.009-03:00

There's always a tinge of regret when I post some of the more 'internal' thoughts on this blog...I honestly don't know what the hell I'm talking about some of the time...just weird, sad shit...but for the most part, even if I've looked back on something I've written and seen it as lame or sad or pathetic, it lets me look at it from another perspective...lets me look at myself from a different vantage point...and learn something.

The previous post to this one has been on my mind for most of the day. I woke up thinking about what I wrote...how I was going to 'face the day'...and it all seemed so pointless. I know myself too well to believe I have any control over anything that does or doesn't happen to me...or goes on in this fucked up head of mine...or in this deathtrap of a heart...so I've got to just chill a bit and go with the flow like I'm always talking about and just...whatever. So when I came on here and read what magdalena had posted...well...it really was what I needed to hear. It was like the best hug I've gotten in years!

I'm glad I said it. And I'm glad she said it. And if you don't agree...well...fair enough...but I doubt it'll change my mind. At least...not today. For someone like me, its the little things that really mean a lot...a sign here...a feeling there...I don't want much, really I don't...but a little genuine re-inforcement can be a huge deal to a someone so shut off as I am. Problem is that praise and encouragement can usually feel manufactured to someone tuned in to being so jaded...or sometimes it just feels like it comes with a price tag attached...to be continued. But then sometimes, the words carry a weight...and it hits you right here...it just clicks. Someone got you.

It may just be today...but right now, I don't feel like an idiot...and I've got more than one person to thank for that...so if you've ever left a comment on here...thanks for the support!

not too late?

2009-07-31T01:37:00.011-03:00

"My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come" ~ Jeff Buckley from 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over'

It's over. This last 'episode' is the final straw. The time has come to bury this mess once and for all. My heart can't take it anymore. I'll just have to do without and be done with it. I've made it this far on my own, so what's the rest of my life? For some reason I've never seen myself as an old man, so I can't see me still here at 50...and then it'll really be over. The few of you who read this will either a) chalk this up as another 'line that will be crossed' or b) see it as pathetic and sad that I'm 'giving up on all that life has to offer'.

Meh.

I've seen what life has to offer...I may not have looked under every rock, but I've turned over enough in my time to know that I should have found something by now. Not even a sniff. Oh sure...I've created some interesting situations with a combination of my imagination, some creative thinking and a trickle of pity (from them or me)...but in the end...zero. Could I have extended myself a little more? Tried a little harder? Cast a wider net? Sure...by why should I have to become someone I'm not comfortable being to find someone I want to be comfortable with? And I have reached out...don't tell me I haven't gone out on my share of limbs...only to have my hand slapped away time and again. My record doesn't lie.

Of course, there is that little voice (I can hear him right now) saying 'Oh, Neil...who are you trying to fool...you're lovesick heart will find someone else who'll make it perk up and start humming again...so stop your crying', but I'm good at shutting that stuff out if I really want to, its only because of a weak moment that I opened the door even a crack in the first place...because for quite a while, I was content being alone...so I want to shut the door and lock it up this time.

You tell yourself your not going to meet anyone...that your life is different. But you meet someone despite yourself. You convince yourself there's no chance...only to have hope slip in the crack in the door you 'accidently' left open. You know you're in trouble. Soon, the haze fades and it becomes all too clear that you're going to lose them...not that you even had them in the first place. And it hurts. Bad. But because your heart is open and raw, even though you don't want to, you meet someone else...she helps you forget. She makes you smile whenever she's around. But then you tell yourself 'it would never work.' And then she tells you 'it'll never work'. But it starts to work. Its in the way she looks at you. The way she talks to you. Her body is speaks a language that her lips avoid. But despite all this, one day, you lose her anyway because, well, you're a nice guy. Easy to talk to. All that crap. And no matter how 'amazing' or 'special' you are, there's someone else. There's always someone else. Someone who makes them feel the way you do about them. And that's it. And now your heart is really bruised and tender...and just wants to put in a box and left the fuck alone forever.

Welcome to my life.

'Its never over"

to the brink

2009-07-30T03:51:00.004-03:00

audience of one
one hour at a time
sleepwalking my nightmares away
is this really happening?

lost cat ~ not mine

what is it?

2009-07-29T19:21:00.004-03:00

How can one day be so miserable, so dark and full of feelings of dread and doubt...and the next be so full of good cheer and positive thoughts? I had a terrible, sleepless night last night...and was forced awake early for work after maybe 3 good hours of sleep...and it was like everything was putting a smile on my face. Cute dogs. Cute babies. Nice people. Even the difficult ones didn't get to me. I made an effort right from the start, and it paid off nicely...but the same thoughts that would usually bring me down, weren't working like the usually do. I was seeing the bright side of life today.

So how come I can't do that everyday? How come some days, I carry around this weight with me that feels like its dragging me through ground? Its like a shadow I can't shake...making my life cold and dank...and then today its gone. Nothing changed...yet everything changed. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring...but I REALLY don't know...and that's what kills me the most. If I could somehow prepare, you know, get a little early warning or something...I'm sure I could manage a little better than I do.

But those days when waking up feels like breaking out of a cell, and facing the trials of the day makes you a little sick inside...and the doubt, and all those other feelings that aren't sitting well start mixing and churning away inside your brain...and this can go on for days...

I've had far too many of those kind of days the past few months...and not enough of the ones like today. I ain't asking for shit anymore, cause I never get what I want...but if there's something I can do to keep more of these coming my way, I'll do it. I'm eating leftovers tonight...might help?

twit

2009-07-28T04:11:00.010-03:00

Life.
Its not just me, I know.
But it seems that way sometimes.
Like this night is dark.
To be so close.
But who am I to complain?
So it hurts to feel the way I do?
All the time?
Too much?
Its not just me.
Its not just me, I know.
And then I remember how it's always felt.
And then I remember how it makes me not want to feel anymore.
I remember.
And then my brain starts thinking about how my brain is always thinking.
And then my brain starts thinking I'm not doing this right.
And then my brain starts thinking about putting my head through that wall.

smile

2009-07-25T03:21:00.005-03:00

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavently, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution -- then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise." ~ Aldous Huxley

Dash Snow

a sign

2009-07-23T17:58:00.014-03:00

Dash Snow

I had just turned 15 when Kurt Cobain killed himself, and it became a defining moment in my life…consciously and unconsciously.

It took a long time to reconcile what it all meant. All those golden memories and dreams of childhood having black paint poured over them...so covered they didn’t feel like mine anymore…replaced with a numb void. It was all a bit too much I suppose...and slowly, I became a different person.

And so here I find myself…15 years later…having failed in my quest to fill that void...and its like I'm looking at a mirror catching a 15 year old reflection.

So what's next?

Dash Snow

2009-07-19T19:02:00.013-03:00

I’m not an artist. Maybe on the inside...but to say I’ve accomplished anything of artistic value would be a lie. I do have dreams though. And ideas. But for now that’s all they are...

Now, as you might have guessed from the miniscule list of links on the right side of this page, I likes what I likes and don’t stray too far from that center point. I’ll poke my head out the car window to look, but ultimately I’m the guy who stays in the car when it comes to my comfort zone. New York Magazine is one of my favourite, if not my favourite, website. I get a taste of what its really like to live in the coolest city on Earth, without the dread I'd really feel if I actually lived there. The city is too much for me, and New York is THE city...so I wager it'd eat me for breakfast and shit me out by lunch! I get an American point of view that isn't CNN or USA Today (thank God), in the form (the written word) that I prefer, from a host of intelligent, critical thinking New Yorkers who really love their city. And they cover Art and Culture better than almost anywhere else.

Which is how I came to know Dash Snow. His story is pretty art cliché. And maybe he was just another manufactured, trust fund art phenom used to prop up the New York Art scene during a boring spell back in 2007. Hell, I wasn't even a fan of most of his 'stuff'...just a few pictures. But I always thought there was something there. When New York Magazine did a piece on him a couple of years ago, it was like 'how can this guy not turn into a star?' Sure it was a puff piece, and the people he was hanging around seemed like real slimeballs, but I took a liking to Dash anyway. I felt like I could relate in some strange, sad way to what this guy was doing, even though I knew virtually nothing about him…and from what I did know, we probably had little to nothing in common. Well, maybe we had a little in common...but he seemed like the kind of guy I wouldn't be friends with.

But despite all that, something clicked. Maybe he was living the life I always wanted to live but was too chicken to. Wild and crazy. Tons of bad drugs. No limits. I'm the chicken who gets half way across the road and then goes back. Again and again. He wasn't. Even if he was a rich kid. Maybe I just thought he was cool. He looked cool. Whatever it was, I stayed interested. Kept my eyes open for more Dash sightings. Kept coming back. I've posted a few of his polaroids on my blog in the time since that first article.

Then today I take a trip to NY Magazine after a crazy week on the homefront and see his name again. Dash Snow piece pulled from an exhibit. Interesting. I clicked the link and read on.

Died on Monday. 27. Heroin OD. Young Daughter. And so on...

And so it goes...

1981-2009

lines in the sand

2009-07-19T18:56:00.004-03:00

I’m trying real hard. The time is now. For once I want it to be for real. I want to stay on track. I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it.

But I don’t believe. Not really.

Something will happen. It always does. I know I’ve got to think positive…to shove those negative thoughts right out of my head…but life is so cruel to me sometimes. What did I do?

And then my chest sinks in and my legs get thinner and my eyes drop to the ground.

Nothing, Nowhere, Never.

How do you put all that behind you?

to be?

2009-07-19T00:10:00.002-03:00

"My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute." ~ Ayn Rand

if it ain't got no swing

2009-07-18T21:40:00.003-03:00

The mood swings have been vicious recently. 48 hours ago I was scraping my shins on the bottom…dark walls of just…well…it had felt like I had lost. Game over.

But I dragged my sorry ass into work, put on my best game face, and got through it. And then…mere minutes after the final whistle had gone, the funny games began. Sure, it ended up being all in my head…like I knew it was…like I always know…but I still didn’t believe. I was convinced of the opposite. Some cruel joke being played on me. Lies and deceit. All that jazz.

No…just me again, playing tricks.

But before I knew the truth, before my questions had been answered, I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning and put on that game face again, only this time, the smile was real. And it was coming from the inside too. Why…I have no idea. Resignation? Psychotic detachment? Did the funny games of the night before somehow prepare me, force me to bottom out so I could rise again? Or was I just having a good day...even I have those every once in a while!

No matter what was going on today...it was nice. I had a real spring in my step that, well, if it came from where I think it may have come from...I owe someone a big thanks!

It really is all about attitude.

And confidence…can’t forget about confidence.

Now that its over, and the sun is going down, I can feel the shadows calling once again.

the only one who thinks this way

2009-07-17T01:03:00.002-03:00

I know I'm not...but...when it feels like it, it sucks me under...like I'm holding my breath. Recent events, with my best interests in mind probably, have pretty much left me knocked out...but still standing. I'm am totally at the mercy of the moment right now, and am liable to either snap, crackle or pop at any time...I am on edge.

And its only going to get worse...that's the thing. But in a good way...or at least, that's how I'm supposed to look at it, right? This is what responsibilty is all about...taking on more shit, while your shit keeps piling up in the corner...that's all there is to the messed up game. Cause when it comes to the good stuff...I don't even want to think about the good stuff anymore...I've got to learn to do without.

Seriously.

Life is suffering.
The root of suffering is desire.
Desire results in suffering.
If you don't want to suffer...don't desire.

That's me from now on.

so I went bowling

2009-07-15T21:01:00.006-03:00

game 1: 134 (won)
game 2: 145 (lost)
game 3: 126 (won)
game 4: 146 (won)

not that life's a competition or anything...

fork

2009-07-15T00:25:00.005-03:00

I’m lost. Stuck at a fork in the road. Left or right? Or do I turn and go backwards…again?

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice…its has helped. Something good will come from this, but it feels like I’m carrying around a vest of iron…and it weighs a ton. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m looking for a way, but all I see is my reflection.

I’m running out of ideas.

But it was so close, I could feel it again...whatever it is…like the faint smell of bacon on a Sunday morning when you wake up…or that feeling you get when you know your opponents next move…those moments in life when its like you've reached a checkpoint...like passing GO in Monopoly...but it is real? Was it ever real? Or have I gotten so good at convincing myself this path is for me that I ignore all warning signs, no matter how in-your-face-loser obvious? How do I trust myself?

I’ve been slowly coming to grips with the fact that do have a love/hate relationship with myself for years. Its probably the reason for everything. Part of it isn’t me, but the part of it that is, I’ve been trying to identify and eliminate for…anyway, its taken a lot of work, but I’ve got them cornered, and things are getting ugly. You know what they say about a cornered animal…well, multiply that by about 10…and I’m fighting on more than one front…I guess we all are…but right now, I’m IN it. Neck deep.

I think I want to sit down.

far between

2009-07-07T02:34:00.003-03:00

"Those were good mornings, when the sun was hot and the air was quick and promising, when the Real Business seemed right on the verge of happening and I felt that If I went just a little faster I might overtake that bright and fleeting thing that was always just ahead of me."

from 'The Rum Diary' by Hunter S. Thompson

up all night

2009-07-04T07:39:00.002-03:00

photo by ~ not me

lucky ones

2009-07-01T22:22:00.001-03:00

Happy Birthday Canada!

note to self

2009-06-30T01:06:00.004-03:00

Keep quiet
Keep it to yourself
Don't push
Relax
Smile
Be Funny!

{That's all I had to do today. I got me marching orders last night, and told myself 'Neil, this is going to be a good week'. I was ready for what the day threw at me. So, did I do any of these things today? I tried to be funny...a couple of times...but everything else, I ended up doing the opposite.

Even though I knew better, its like the day was just too strong and dragged me down no matter what I tried. Left, right combos from the opening bell in Round 1.

'Hey guess what Neil, we didn't get much done today, so you'll have to pick up the slack tonight.' RIGHT

'Oh, and did you hear...the company is for sale. After all these months of the 'suits' telling us little people everything was going to be cool.' LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LOW BLOW!

That didn't just take the wind out of my sails folks, it nearly sank the fucking boat. And I wasn't feeling great to start with...didn't get a good sleep...wasn't hungry in the 'morning'. After all the positive steps I've made the past 6-8 months at work...and how hard I've tried not to talk about it so as not to throw a hex on the whole situation...and now this.

On a Monday.

Its funny, the rule is when things are going good, you just know that tough times are right around the corner...and I'm getting so damn good at 'feeling' these things coming on, I could have sworn I KNEW that this was going to hit me...I've been in a real 'odd' mood the past few weeks, and I bet this is the reason!

This rollercoaster really is on the way down right now! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh well...whatever...I'll just hang on...maybe grip a little tighter this time...just in case...}

the light

2009-06-29T00:17:00.006-03:00

I don't know if I could be
On top
With the light
Shining down on me
Its hard for me to see

Up alone
All exposed
All the warmth is so cold
Can you feel the light?
To see if its alright?

go with the flow

2009-06-27T00:34:00.007-03:00

I try to fight it...but the waves are relentless.
And still I try?
Why?

the little specks are people ~ photo from some 60's surf mag

smells like Denmark

2009-06-25T02:21:00.008-03:00

Something is not right at work. I came back from one of my all time great nights (thanks boys + girls) and, sure, I was carrying a bad hangover, so Saturday was on me...but since then, things have taken a strange and unsettling turn. I can't quite put my finger on it, but just bad vibes. Its almost as if I've walked into a bizzaro world. Up is now down. Then again, my 'vibes' have been all crossed up the past couple of years, so maybe things are fucking great and I should just roll with it.

Either way, I don't like it.

outside

2009-06-18T23:20:00.003-03:00

photo from squareamerica.com

new bones

2009-06-12T23:00:00.004-03:00

I wonder what I'm reaching for? I look around me and I don't see it. I don't see it anywhere. So instead I pull inward, and try to stop looking. But I've got to go outside. I see people everyday. I want to be one of them. I want to have friends. But I can't. I keep trying to tell myself that I don't think I'm better than anyone else (good reasons too)...but sometimes I act like I just don't give a shit...like I'm above it all. I know I'm not. It used to be for protection, to hide my genuine interest in people because I really did want to be like everyone else...tough on the outside, soft on the inside...but now its stuck.

Now I'm dead.

When everyone is telling me to 'get out there', then I try...and then they say you've got to pick yourself up when you fall, but when I do...

I'm doing this for a reason...this right here...I'm getting it out of my system for good, cause this is the last time I want to come back here with this shit. The shit, the skin, everything and the bones. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I really have tried everything...but I'm going to try something else...something is going to stick to these bones.

Right out of the box

hands

2009-06-11T21:58:00.006-03:00

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol

Self Portrait ~ Andy Warhol

burst

2009-06-10T23:34:00.006-03:00

A dream
A cold heart dream
A waking moment never closed
Where almost is always

bandages

2009-06-09T01:55:00.002-03:00

The Invisible Man

lucky 7

2009-06-08T02:35:00.011-03:00

Jane Seberg

Not a lot of women can pull off the 'pixie' look and still look sexy, at least that's how I see it. In fact, I'm not usually a fan at all of short hair...some punk chicks can pull it off (I dated one once)...but its rare.

And then there's a young Jane Seberg. She pulls it off. Pretty well I might add. I read about her in some book a year or so ago. She was the muse for some French director, even though she was an American (if I remember correctly), who ended up making a couple of films with her. Some at the time thought she was poised to become a big star 'back home' in America but her growing fame combined with some wicked 'rumour' about her was her undoing, and she wilted and faded into history.

Still...I remembered how the director descibed how beautiful she was, and how she was going to be a big star...and then not...and since there were no photo's of her in the book, I was curious to see for myself what this young lady looked like.

Sure enough...

bark v. bite

2009-06-05T00:18:00.007-03:00

No pain, no gain.

The last year or so has seen quite a few subtle changes...not only in my life, but in me as well. Not so drastic that its anything to applaud or get excited about…but nothing so insignificant that its not worth noting. Cause for me, it is worth nothing. I still may chomp down on my tongue and wedge my foot in my mouth far too often…but its getting better. I’m getting better.

Its just that its taking so long. However, I'm starting to realize that I probably have a lot more to do with that than I realize...and only I can fix it.

Maybe I do make mountains of molehills…and maybe I do worry too much. Maybe I do need to force myself to mingle.

Sometimes it takes a night of worry and insomnia to rinse away the dread...wipe the slate clean. Last night was ugly…as have been the past 72 hours…hell, the past couple of weeks have been pretty rough. But today was a good day...albeit forced, but nevertheless, I felt as if I was that much closer to wherever I’m going. I’m still a shaky mess…but I truly feel like I'm a work in progress…I am trying. I’ve always been hard on myself…just maybe not in the right areas. I've learned some hard lessons, but what doesn't kill you...

I can’t control the world. Shit happens. And it keeps happening.

Unfortunately, my heart still tries to find a way to help out…trying harder than it should to make things better. That probably won’t change. I can’t help myself with that.

oh, the guilt

2009-06-04T01:49:00.010-03:00

It’s all coming together. Or falling apart…I’m not really sure. More mistakes. More problems. More sleepless nights. I can’t seem to outrun my problems, so I’m trying to face them head on…but that doesn’t seem to work either. No matter what I try, I always seem to choose wrong. Left should be right. Yes should be no. Honesty should be silence. My big heart and big mouth continue to get me in trouble…embarrassing me and those poor unfortunates in my crosshairs. I don’t know when to give up…either too early, or far too late. Never right on time.

My insides are a twisted dog, cold and damp, tired and weak. I don’t even want to eat, everything makes me nauseous. I can’t even curl up in a ball and make it go away anymore. Even that hurts too much. And yet, somehow, I still seem to be under the impression that I have a purpose. That someone out there can use me, even if I can't find a use for myself. What I know, what I do, who I am…what I am...that's for someone else to show me. I’m too everything to have it left up to me. I’ve got to tone it down to get to the bottom…but how do you turn down your heart? Slow it down with drugs and alcohol? Keep it busy by running and jumping around all day…never giving it a moments rest? An idle heart is a man’s downfall I say. My downfall.

And I’m fed up with the women I seem to be attracted to. The ones I (cough) fall (cough) for. Fall indeed. Flat on my face. Another fresh wound to add to the collection. Another knife plunged into my chest…by her AND me. Mostly me. They try and stop me…and they’re usually gentle…but in the end, spilt blood is still spilt blood. And I’m running dangerously low. This time the pain is less. I guess I'm getting good at it.

I’ve been told I need to stop being such a pushover. A wimp. I need to stop being such a ‘nice’ guy…and start swinging an elbow or two. I’m angry, but its all wrong. I need to spread it out a little more evenly…and not bottle it up, only to unleash in a rush of fire and venom. But I never feel better afterwards. Just guilty. Angry at myself. And the cycle starts all over again. Either I’m too nice…or a jerk. I need to find the middle. The one every other guy seems to reside in. It’s a big fucking middle…yet I swing from one side to the other…like some emotional Tarzan. I need to be a man is what they're all saying...even if they don't. I can be man...but I don't think I'll like me.

Because there IS something wrong with me. I AM different. I know we’re all different…but I’m DIFFERENT different. Where’s my tribe? Where are my people? Or am I a one off? A failed prototype…destined to live out his existence on the fringe? A ghost in the distance. A rumour. An island. A little bit ugly, my aura can fill a room...but its got edges and breaks easily.

I can connect. I do. And its not all fake. And that’s what makes me think that I have a shot. But then it all falls down again. And it starts to feel hollow and damp and cold. And I’m left trying to shake it off…shivering. Involuntary convulsions in angry chains. And it wears me out.

Now worn out, can I put it all back together again?

old dogs

2009-05-26T21:39:00.002-03:00

"I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." ~ Jack Kerouac

born in the morning

2009-05-23T03:22:00.006-03:00

Catch my meaning
Once and for all
I'm the ceiling
I'm the wall

time runs out ~ john frusciante

cold peaches

2009-05-21T01:08:00.008-03:00

I think the more successful you are, the faster time goes. If you’re a rich motherfucker, chances are you’ve had to (and still have to) work 18+ hour days…you’ve networked till your feet bled…you’re popular, so you go out a lot, and have lots of friends who you see for coffee…for a movie…for lunch…and before you know it, you’re 45 and now you’ve got to start seriously thinking about what you’re going to do for the rest of your life.

When you’re poor…shit, every day is a 24 hour struggle. Maybe you’ve got a job…but you hate it…cause it doesn’t pay and every time you look at the clock, its like its getting slower and slower…so you stop looking altogether. Day after day those 6 AM collection agent wake-up calls…kids screaming there’s nothing to eat…maybe you're drunk or stoned...or both...watching another hour of Days of Our Lives before Oprah comes on...and then at the end of the day, when you try to lay down and grab a few hours of sleep...you can't, cause you're worried sick. Time feels like its crawling in tar.

So, the fact that I just worked a week straight, ridiculous hours, and don’t know what day it is or what I’ve eaten the last couple of days…or when I’ve slept…it’s a good thing. Every time I turn around I'm working in 3 hours...I’m on the cusp of another promotion, but this time, I know I’m ready for it. More time at work sure, but more time = more money... and while I'll probably really need those 2 weeks vacation they give me by August or September (so long as I get the job) I've just decided...or been forced...to face the fact that I've got to change. I have no choice. Time and again, I've made wrong turns, said the right thing at the wrong time to the wrong person...and its just not working. Its either this or the abyss I say…and there’s probably a good reason I’ve spent the past decade on the edge of the abyss and didn’t jump all the way in...so its this.

At least, that’s how I’ve got to look at it, cause if not…game over, man!

photo from squareamerica.com

the look

2009-05-16T03:12:00.005-03:00

photo by: unknown

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

2009-05-02T23:28:00.007-03:00

"Everyone feels different about themselves one way or another, but we all goin' the same way."

****

After hearing all the hype and hoopla over the ‘amazing make up’ and special effects in the new Brad Pitt movie where he is old and gets younger before its release, and then nothing more than a muted critical response following it, I had pretty low expectations for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. This despite being a very big fan of director David Fincher (Seven, Zodiac, The Game) and a pretty big fan of Mr. Pitt (Assassination of Jesse James, Fight Club) too. It had all the makings of a dud in my view…drooling 90 year old Brad Pitt included…and didn’t look like it would work. It looked…weird.

But it wasn’t.

Once you get past the first 20 minutes or so of Brad Pitt as a old, old man, you forget all the talk about what he looks like, and you get into the story. I hesitate to say this is an incredible film, or an ‘epic’ one, because it is flawed, however slight, but its nothing that will ruin or take away from the viewing experience in my opinion. In fact, I felt like I wanted to know more about this character, and how he became to be the way he was…like I didn’t really see ‘enough’ to know him as well as I would have liked…but maybe that’s part of its charm? For me, there were a lot of similarities to Forest Gump in Curious Case…, another ‘Great American Tale’ spanning a large chunk of the countries history…about a ‘simple’ man who led an extraordinary life. Benjamin Button is not as simple as Forest was, and because of his ‘condition’, the movies quirks and turns not as conventional. But there is a tragic love story at its core, and a few ‘chance encounters’ along the way that reminded me of that Tom Hanks film…but it doesn’t feel like a rip-off.

I was entertained throughout, with Pitt giving a really, really great performance. He’s been good to great in a few of his recent performances recently (stellar in Assassination of Jesse James…), and seems to be using his immense movie star power and respectability to not only get interesting films made, but is very good in them as well, not letting his ‘presence’ dominate more than it needs too. There’s also an interesting blend of quirky, if not memorable characters in supporting roles…with Captain Mike and the hilarious and charming Mr. Daws and his stories of being hit by lightning at the top of my list. Cate Blanchett was solid as ever as Benjamin’s true love, who he meets as a ‘child’ and throughout their lives as the two of them grow old together…but in opposite directions. A classic Hollywood love story if there ever was one…only this time with an interesting twist.

The movie may not have said as much about life and love as maybe it could have, and as I said before, even though it was 2 ½ hours long, I didn’t get to know Benjamin as well as I would like to…as if something was missing…but all in all, a very good movie, and one I highly recommend.

samples from Stone St.

2009-04-30T14:38:00.003-03:00

The Wrestler

2009-04-19T22:52:00.006-03:00

"The world don't give a shit about me."

***

For people looking for ‘Rocky 2009’ or ‘Rudy’ in the wrestling ring, ‘The Wrestler’ will most probably disappoint. Even long time fans of wrestling may see the film as more drama/less action…which would not be an overstatement…but Darren Aranofsky’s film is very well made, and superbly acted…and shows us one mans (and one womans) struggle to deal with getting old, and watching the best years of their lives get farther and farther away.

Staring faded star Mickey Rourke, in what many critics are calling his comeback film (he won and was nominated for virtually every major actor award this year…except the Oscars of course…), our ‘hero’ Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson is a 20 years past his prime professional wrestler, living in a trailer, and working to small community center crowds instead of the packed arena’s he used to fight in back in the 80’s. As much as Randy can’t let go of the past, and the call of the fans, he’s also helplessly unqualified for virtually any other career having spent the better part of his life in a wrestling ring…and is therefore trapped in this life. He works part time at a grocery store to make ends meet, resulting in his ego being ripped away in large chunks by his weasel of a boss, and a parade of fussy customers…only reinforcing this belief that there’s no place for him in ‘that’ world. He’s got no family, except a daughter who wants nothing to do with him. The only time his life doesn’t suck…is when he’s in the ring. And soon...he won't even have that...

There’s a line in the film that says it all about ‘The Ram’.

“The only place I get hurt is out there.”

‘The Wrestler’ could have easily been a story about a man getting out of prison, or about a washed up pro boxer/football player/track star…or Rourke himself...at its heart, it’s a tragic story of one man realizing his life has pretty much been lived, and he’s got absolutely nothing to show for it, except for die hard fans, some dusty memorabilia and photos, and all those memories. Mickey Rourke is very, very good…and having seen ‘Milk’, I’d have to say that he was much more compelling on screen than Sean Penn was…but those awards shows are just popularity contests anyway, and the fact is he got nominated (Rourke) and its probably just as well he didn’t win, cause his acceptance speech would have probably been something like one he gave at the Independent Spirit Awards a few months back. I thought it was cool that Penn gave Rourke a shout out when he won the Oscar though...classy. Also outstanding was Marisa Tomei, who plays Cassidy, an aging stripper who’s the apple of Randy’s eye…but doesn’t want to cross that line between customer and boyfriend…keeping Randy away with one arm, but pulling him closer with the other…if only because its what she’s always done (like Randy, Cassidy isn’t the characters ‘real’ name…she’s just playing a part…like Randy…but after 10-20 years, is it a ‘part’ or who they really are now). Suffice to say, Randy’s attraction, and connection to her is very strong. Tomei has aged very well, not only in terms of her looks...but her acting chops as well. She doesn't work a ton...but she's not just the pretty face that won for 'My Cousin Vinny'.

Good story, great acting, uniquely shot with a pseudo documentary style…not quite a ‘great’ film…but a very, very good one! I still can’t say I’m a ‘fan’ of Mickey Rourke…but sometimes an actor was born to play a part…and this time, it was Mickey's turn!

Mickey wins

shaky

2009-04-14T04:32:00.001-03:00

"Do not give in too much to feelings. A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth." ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

home wrecked

2009-04-02T02:42:00.006-03:00

I’ve always been fascinated with abandoned houses. Crumbling relics of families and communities past. Every town has them…and every one has a story. You look at them sitting there, all silent…neglected, crumbling…hidden away behind trees and unkempt roads…and you can see the beautiful, inviting home it once was through the grime and rotten wood. You imagine the lives lived inside, children playing, husbands arguing with wives, the glow of the TV cutting through the darkness outside. How did this home come to be…this? If I stand close enough its almost as if I can hear it trying to tell me its story…invisible home movies of a families I never knew begin dancing around my imagination. Oh those sweet ghosts…

The house, it knows its done for. Boarded up and forgotten, you’re the first visitor its had in ages…and maybe the last. Nobody comes ‘round here anymore! Take a good look…

And its not like these houses are ancient. Many were lived in and alive as recent as 5-10-15 years ago. It’s a sad spectacle really. Perfectly good houses…disappearing slowly into time…rotting away…for no good reason…

photo's by me

Synecdoche, New York

2009-03-13T17:30:00.015-03:00

"You realize you are not special. You have struggled into existence, and are now slipping silently out of it. This is everyone's experience. Every single one. The specifics hardly matter. Everyone's everyone."

*****

‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ is one of my all time favourite movies. A lot of people had a hand in making it such a great film in my eyes...the director, Michel Gondry, the cast, specifically Kate Winslett...but a lot of credit has to go to the guy who came up with the idea in the first place, writer Charlie Kaufman. So, it should come as no surprise that whenever his name is attached to a film as ‘writer’ (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) I know, as a film lover, I'm in for a treat...

So when a colleague told me he went to see the new Charlie Kaufman film, I thought he was talking about one he had written. Turns out, he didn’t just write this one, he directed it as well…and for a first time director, its quite an achievement. Just flat out mind blowing. There were times in the first hour I was very confused, but I just had a feeling that I was going to get it…or that I was getting just enough that it would carry me through. Kind of like how back in grade 5 you’d read books with big words that you ‘kind of’ understood…and within the context of the surrounding words in the sentence you knew what it meant…but not really…that’s how I was feeling through most of this film. But I enjoyed every confusing, baffling, painful moment…of which there were a few. It certainly helped that I’m a big Philip Seymour Hoffman fan, and, as the star of the film, and the center of all of its universes (of which there are a few…), he’s on screen pretty much the entire 2 hours. His character ages, at varying speeds, roughly 50 years over the course of the film…and Hoffman is virtually pitch perfect.

The film deals with one mans attempt to face his own life and put it on display simultaneously, in the form of a large scale ‘theatre performance’ involving thousands of actors on a stage the size of New York city itself. If it sounds bizarre and confusing, that’s because it is. The film back cover did a pretty good job of explaining the plot of the film...and IMDB.com gave the short, short version...

"A theater director struggles with his work, and the women in his life, as he attempts to create a life-size replica of New York inside a warehouse as part of his new play"

At the heart of Synecdoche, New York is a story about life, and how time (and our recollection of it) seems to speed up, causing large chunks of time to go by in what seems like a blur, no matter how hard we try to slow it down, or stop to 'smell the roses'. Our history is a flash of memorable events...one after the other...with different periods of time between each...sometimes months...sometimes years. Its also a film about men, and how richer (and sometimes tragic) our lives are made by the opposite sex, in all their forms and incarnations (truly amazing supporting cast of great female actors who are introduced one by one over the course of the film). Its also a film about how within our reality, there are sometimes multiple realities…from anything like wearing a different ‘hat’ at work than you do at home, to leading a double life, like cheating on a loved one…and the fragility of our reality, and how we can never control it, no matter how hard we try, no matter how good/right we try to be.

I know…sounds like a bad English paper or something…

But after watching Synecdoche, New York I was left with the feeling that I had seen something with real substance…something that, by accident or not, had shown me a side of life that meshed with my own beliefs. This film, and Kaufman in particular, created a world unlike nothing I’ve ever seen before, but still felt very real, in a bizzaro world kind of way. Truly, as Roger Ebert was quoted as saying on the front of the DVD, this is a film you really can (and should) watch twice, because it is just so creatively rich, and compellingly complex that nearly 3 days later and I’m still thinking about it after only one viewing.

Not for all tastes, and by no means perfect, but if you’re a film nerd like me, or you enjoy head trip, pseudo philosophical movies that really make you watch closely (and work hard doing it), then this should be at the top of your list of films to see...and fully deserving of *****

'Don't look too close......'

take that Bush!

2009-03-04T01:45:00.004-04:00

Remember a few months ago, I got really riled up about some bullshit law Bush was passing as a way to circumvent the Endangered Species Act? It was a pretty sweet rant if I do say so myself.

Well Obama reversed it yesterday.

I hope this is just the start of him going back and holding up each and every evil Bush and Co. scheme for what they really were...fraud!

I honesty don't think Obama is going to be able to fix this mess. Things will never be the same in America...but the man is going to do the right thing 9 times out of 10...and he's about 10,000 times better than the last guy...so all is not lost.

That's Better!

the dentist

2009-02-25T22:35:00.007-04:00

I hate going to the dentist. I understand they have a job to do, and that the health of your teeth is important to them...but I wish, like most things in life, I could get away only having to go to them when things aren't so great...instead of every 6 months. And its the same thing every time.

I'm not flossing enough.
I've got a lot of build up under my gums.
4 of my baby teeth are still 'hanging in there.

You'd think all 3 points would be in bright red font in my file somewhere...but its like they're surprised every time. 'Wow...baby teeth!'

Fact is, I've only had one cavity my entire life...and that was in one of the baby teeth I still have! You'd think the fact that I've held onto 4 teeth for 30 years would earn me some brownie points or something...but no...its never good enough for them! It feels like I'm being called down to the Principals office every 6 months...I mean, has anyone, in the history of oral health, had a 'good' visit to the dentist?

Fuckers...all of them!

The Scream ~ by Edvard Munch

'don't doubt yourself'

2009-02-23T01:40:00.004-04:00

I can't remember how the subject came up, but I think I baited my associate by saying something about how I wasn't cool (comparing myself to something cool is probably what I did), and they responded with a pretty genuine sounding 'you're cool.'

And then I sheepishly replied 'Thanks for saying that...but no, I'm not.' I don't know why I said it like that...part looking for sympathy, and part heartfelt honesty maybe(I've been feeling very old and uncool recently...probably birthday angst)

'You're cool.' was her response.

"Don't doubt yourself." followed.

Now I've had people, friends, family, tell me that before...in one way or another. And sure, I believed them, took it to heart...but this time, I don't know, it kind of sunk in. Just the way she said it...she sounded...right. Maybe its because it came from someone who I think it pretty cool...or maybe I do know I'm cool, in my own way, and I just wanted to hear someone say it for once.

Truth is I do doubt myself. A lot. And It gets in the way. Sometimes its for a good reason...and its probably stopped my from making an ass of myself a time or two (I still find a way of course)...but most of the time I think its just an excuse I use to stop. To be lazy. To not push harder. Its weird, deep down, I really do believe in myself, I guess I'm just having a hard time figuring out who I really am?

I'd like to say that things are going to change now because of those three words. That I'll finally stop selling myself short and stop seeing myself as some warped mirror image of myself. Maybe I'll finally grab life by the balls for once and feel like I've got a tidal wave behind me instead of a brick wall in front of me...

...

...or.......(wow...10 seconds...new record!)

like a record

2009-02-10T18:07:00.007-04:00

I don't own an IPod...so I don't download music (I think I have 6 songs on my computer). I used to buy CD's...but now, I maybe buy 2-3 a year, and more often than not I find myself buying 'best of' collections. I guess I'm just getting old. The things we thought we'd never do...

Anyway, I used to be a real pro when it came to making good mix-tapes, either for myself or others. However, now that cassette tapes have gone the way of BETA, and my terrapin like crawl into the 21st Century continues, I haven't made too many mix CD's since, well, ever. But after getting into a conversation with a 'child of the 90's', and hearing them try to tell me that the music in the 80's was better than the music in the 90's, I had to set them straight with a little 'sample' of the good ol days. It was nice to pull the old milk crate out and try and thread together 12 or 13 songs like I used to...and sure enough, in no time at all, it was like I was 14 again.

The end result was perhaps one of my finer mixes...although I'm not so sure my audience will think so. I tried to give them a little taste from here (that dog, PJ Harvey) and there (Radiohead, Porno For Pyros), but kids these days...I just don't know how it'll go over. Nevertheless, I burned myself a copy (or, I kept the out-of-order one I made on my first try) and have been killing it in the car for the past week. I'm actually tempted to start working on the follow up...

Fallout 3

2009-01-28T18:29:00.010-04:00

*****
The year is 2277. It’s been nearly 200 years since the ‘Great War’ between the U.S. and China that resulted in a nuclear holocaust of nightmarish proportions. You’ve been living in a vault your entire life, sealed off from the horrors outside since just before the war. Then one day…you’re father disappears. Or…as someone explains to you…he ‘escapes’.

What do you do?

You try to find him…

And that’s when Fallout 3 really gets good. I haven’t been a gamer for some time. I’ve been playing video games most of my life…and owned virtually every system at every level…but I was lucky enough to get an XBOX 360 for Christmas, and I went out and bought the one game that really had me salivating at the notion of playing a game again…and boy did it live up to my expectations…and then some. I’ve tried to explain to people how good this game really is. Its just immense. And its not for the guy who just likes to run and gun…it’s a first person shooter with RPG elements that overwhelm you at first, but add so much to the game experience that it just boggles the mind. And for someone like me who isn't as 'quick' as he used to be, and finds the whole online craze intimidating and too 'fast' (kids these days are just a next level good at video games)...the fact that this game's timeline is completely up to you is amazing. If I want to go explore the wasteland to find ammo for my hunting rifle, I can do that from sun up, to sun down (yes, the sun rises and sets in the game.) and hope I don't run into any vicious dogs or 'Mad Max' style punks armed with lead pipes and barb wire pool cues along the way. If I want to go on a sidequest to save a town from giant fire breathing ants created by some mad scientist, I can. Or, I can keep the blinders on and look for my dad...who is out there somewhere.

From zombies and ghouls, to mutated crabs, rats and bears, to gangs of wasteland punks who will try to kill you on sight, to Super Mutants and their 'gore' bags, to a town a la ‘Lord of the Flies’, to a community built around an un-detonated atomic bomb, this game is just loaded with places to go and people (and truly scary things) to meet.

Quite possibly the greatest non-sports game I’ve ever played...and the best $70 I've spent in a long time.

(and yes...you can get a dog in the game...for real!)

Thanks Santa!

finally! (again)

2009-01-19T02:05:00.010-04:00

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the SUPER BOWL!

The Arizona Cardinals are going...to the SUPER BOWL!!!

I've been a fan of the underdog all my life. I think my eyes instinctively went to the bottom of the standings when I went looking for teams to root for in the 2 'other' major sports that Toronto didn't have a team for...the NFL and NBA...when I was a kid. I used to love the LA Clippers, all the way down there year after year in those NBA Standings...the 'other' LA team. But my long time favourte team is the Cardinals. The St. Louis Cardinals...then the Phoenix Cardinals...and finally, the Arizona Cardinals. I've loved 'em that long. Ricky Phoehl is a legend in my eyes...not for what he did in his stint in the white and red way back when...but what he could do in Tecmo Super Bowl. Guy was a TD machine! I didn't JUST like them because they were bad...I was fond of cardinals (the birds), I also liked their logo/uniform...and I thought it was cool that a city had a football and baseball team with the same name (back in the St.Louis days). So this isn't some sort of 'joke'...I really have been rooting for, and following the Cardinals for a long time.

So anyway, I've been through so many 'maybe this is the year Arizona has a good team' and 'they look good on paper...but its the Cardinals!' that I had all but thrown in the towel after the team won the division by default, and stumbled into the playoffs, getting waxed by the Eagles and Patriots in the process...but the passing game got going again....they started using 'the Edge' again (why they stopped using him is anyone's guess?)...and the D started to look better than average...and low and behold, the team was playing for the NFC Title today...at home no less...with the winner off to the big dance in 2 weeks!

And what a game! Big plays early...my man Fitz with 3 TD's...and we're looking good going into halftime. But I knew that somehow, as crap as he'd been playing, Donovan McNabb, a guy I dislike quite a bit, would find a way to make it a game. And he did. And that same old song started playing in my head and in my heart. "Oh So Close" by Do Wrong and the Heartbreakers...but I shook it off, and told myself we still had a shot...if only they'd stop trying to run the ball and give it back to #11 ASAP!! And on the final drive...they did...and they did...and now...they're going to the SUPER BOWL...and I actually get a chance to feel what its like for a team I've rooted for my whole life, to play in the 'BIG' game.

Go Cards!!!

***This whole post has been rendered obsolete as my wasted ass forgot that the Blue Jays won back-to-back World Series titles back in 92-93...so...I guess its still really, really awesome that the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl, and that I can get away with wearing my #11 Larry Fizgerald jersey 24/7 for the next 2 weeks...but I've lived 'the dream' already...sort of...alright, carry on....

this is all there ever will

2009-01-14T03:36:00.004-04:00

Only wasted nights
Only wasted thoughts of you my dear

When the lights go out
All there is are thoughts of you in here
My head in here

Losing touch with all the things I told myself I’d never do or say
So long to iron will’s and stance of stone
Overcome

Now we sit at distant sides of either side of the divide
Where did I go wrong my dear
My heart in here

nice

2009-01-06T01:56:00.000-04:00

a toast

2008-12-31T02:36:00.003-04:00

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” ~ Bill Vaughn

“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.” ~ T.S. Elliot

"New Year's Day is every man's birthday." ~ Charles Lamb

all the best in '09!

oops, I did it again

2008-12-24T04:19:00.001-04:00

time out

2008-11-07T05:51:00.000-04:00

looking forward

2008-11-05T00:58:00.004-04:00

looking back

2008-11-02T23:36:00.002-04:00

best of

2008-11-01T22:04:00.007-03:00

All Works by Jenn Sharer (see more here)

laughing pumpkins

2008-10-31T03:47:00.001-03:00

just a mirage

2008-10-29T21:25:00.008-03:00

photo's courtesy SquareAmerica.com

truer words

2008-10-26T19:10:00.007-03:00

"A young man's heart is entirely attached to a girl. He wastes all his energy, time, money, in order to prove to her at every moment that he is wholly devoted to her." ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

photo by unknown

A Bear Of A Bear

2008-10-23T02:09:00.001-03:00

by: Seonna Hong

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-10-13T02:58:00.005-03:00

photo's courtesy squareamerica.com

Go Leafs Go!

2008-10-09T21:28:00.011-03:00

Vesa Toskala = The Man
I just want to see more effort this season, and for us not to choke late in games like we did about 10 times last year. Too bad Mats is gone...but after 3-4 years of us being pretty shite...maybe its time to turn the page...

back to Big Sur

2008-10-04T06:05:00.001-03:00

the fall

2008-09-23T01:59:00.003-03:00

I don't know if its just me...because usually the change in seasons feels more like a gradual shift...like a slow sunset...but this time around, it feels like someone pulled a giant lever and turned off the power...and now its fall. The trees will start going to sleep...the wind and the earth will get colder to the touch...and before you know it, the leaves will be on the ground, coated in a thin film of frost...

A Wind-Beaten Tree

2008-09-18T15:58:00.004-03:00

by Vincent Van Gogh (1883)

in the air (almost)

2008-09-11T02:46:00.004-03:00

photo by: I don't know

flight data recorder

2008-09-05T01:04:00.001-03:00

photo from: SquareAmerica.com

False Start

2008-08-28T00:01:00.002-03:00

by Jasper Johns (1959)