'don't doubt yourself'
I can't remember how the subject came up, but I think I baited my associate by saying something about how I wasn't cool (comparing myself to something cool is probably what I did), and they responded with a pretty genuine sounding 'you're cool.'
And then I sheepishly replied 'Thanks for saying that...but no, I'm not.' I don't know why I said it like that...part looking for sympathy, and part heartfelt honesty maybe(I've been feeling very old and uncool recently...probably birthday angst)
'You're cool.' was her response.
"Don't doubt yourself." followed.
Now I've had people, friends, family, tell me that before...in one way or another. And sure, I believed them, took it to heart...but this time, I don't know, it kind of sunk in. Just the way she said it...she sounded...right. Maybe its because it came from someone who I think it pretty cool...or maybe I do know I'm cool, in my own way, and I just wanted to hear someone say it for once.
Truth is I do doubt myself. A lot. And It gets in the way. Sometimes its for a good reason...and its probably stopped my from making an ass of myself a time or two (I still find a way of course)...but most of the time I think its just an excuse I use to stop. To be lazy. To not push harder. Its weird, deep down, I really do believe in myself, I guess I'm just having a hard time figuring out who I really am?
I'd like to say that things are going to change now because of those three words. That I'll finally stop selling myself short and stop seeing myself as some warped mirror image of myself. Maybe I'll finally grab life by the balls for once and feel like I've got a tidal wave behind me instead of a brick wall in front of me...
...
...or.......(wow...10 seconds...new record!)
And then I sheepishly replied 'Thanks for saying that...but no, I'm not.' I don't know why I said it like that...part looking for sympathy, and part heartfelt honesty maybe(I've been feeling very old and uncool recently...probably birthday angst)
'You're cool.' was her response.
"Don't doubt yourself." followed.
Now I've had people, friends, family, tell me that before...in one way or another. And sure, I believed them, took it to heart...but this time, I don't know, it kind of sunk in. Just the way she said it...she sounded...right. Maybe its because it came from someone who I think it pretty cool...or maybe I do know I'm cool, in my own way, and I just wanted to hear someone say it for once.
Truth is I do doubt myself. A lot. And It gets in the way. Sometimes its for a good reason...and its probably stopped my from making an ass of myself a time or two (I still find a way of course)...but most of the time I think its just an excuse I use to stop. To be lazy. To not push harder. Its weird, deep down, I really do believe in myself, I guess I'm just having a hard time figuring out who I really am?
I'd like to say that things are going to change now because of those three words. That I'll finally stop selling myself short and stop seeing myself as some warped mirror image of myself. Maybe I'll finally grab life by the balls for once and feel like I've got a tidal wave behind me instead of a brick wall in front of me...
...
...or.......(wow...10 seconds...new record!)
posted by neil at 1:40 AM
2 Comments:
Cool or not cool? Who cares? You are a talented poet. You've put some words together to create a few- that I've seen- beautiful things. Everyone questions themselves- what matters is whether, after questioning, you let that hold you back. You've heard it, I'm sure... no one regrets the things they did, rather it's the things that they didn't do. Don't be in that boat... at the end of it all... saying I wish I had. Sometimes following your heart does not make you popular, but in the end, you will know that what you've done was done with passion, with honesty. Set the bar high- the worst thing that can happen is that you fail. But to fail knowing that at least you tried, is better than to wonder "what if?". "What if" will keep you up at night, make you old before your time... take a chance- forget cool- live your life, don't watch from the sidelines.
Well said thatkidisyou. Thank you for your advice. I’m not really concerned with being cool or not…I think what I was getting at was that someone actually thought I was, which for me is a rarity…and was kind of nice considering the funk I’ve been in. Being ‘cool’ used to matter to me…sort of…but I outgrew all that about half way through my first year of University.
As for ‘what if’…I’ve let it all hang out there a number of times in my life, and quite a few times the past 12 months actually, and felt nothing but the sting of failure and rejection as my reward. But I’ve also felt the pain that comes with learning and growing from those experiences…so I do better understand why people have been telling me to take more chances, but there just seem to be a couple of clouds that I'm having a real hard time losing…and until I do…more fear @ loathing I'm afraid...
Also, thanks for calling me a poet. (but who cares? right?)
=)
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