time stops

I haven't slept in over 72 hours.

I started a new job yesterday and barely survived. I turned in at 9pm last night in an attempt to get a good nights sleep, only to be kept awake all night by the stench of stale cigarette smoke and roaring bathroom ceiling fans.

And my rage.

I haven't slept in over 72 hours.

I'm as angry and frustrated as I've been in a long, long time. And it feels as if I'm totally powerless to do anything about it. I've got nowhere else to go...this is my home...and yet, I can't sleep here. I can't even eat here. I can barely even breath anymore.

I just want to go to sleep...but even that, I'm afraid, won't be enough after all of this.

Because I haven't slept in over 72 hours.

iron butterfly

I feel my life shifting.

I've gone through a few of these crossroads type periods before, and they always feel profound, or heavy...like something really is happening. Something is changing. It might be change for the better...it might be a turn for the worse...but something is dying and something else is being born.

That's happening to me. Now the question is, is this something I have control over? I think I do. Be it right or wrong, I have the choice of which way I point myself and how I face what I walk into along that path. Everything else is just...life?

Worst part about all this is that I'm the least excited about this 'change' as I've ever been. Maybe I'm just jaded from all those times when I thought 'this time' and was wrong? Maybe I'm just old? But maybe this business like approach to the next stage of my life is a good sign? Like I've finally grown up a bit and let some of that idealism that was weighing me down to slide off my shoulders.

This past 6 months has been a different kind of pain. Hardened up whatever soft bits I had left I think.

a shot through the heart

It’s amazing to me how another person can bring you to life just by thinking about them. Just spending an hour in their presence, despite all the bullshit and hurt feelings and broken hearts and ignorance and selfishness and naiveté and misery, can put a spring in your step you wouldn’t have thought possible 12 hours earlier.

Maybe I just woke up on the right side of the bed this morning? Maybe the fact I didn’t wake up in a smoky haze and was breathing actual air at 9:00 am was a good thing? Or maybe, I was never wrong…it just wasn’t meant to be…and we can still be friends?

I don’t know how they do it.

subtract the ads

I've had it with the Internet.

More specifically, I've had it with Internet advertising, and flashy websites that slow my computer down to a crawl as cute little icons and animated ads load on the side, top, bottom and anywhere else they can fit on my screen. Its to the point where I avoid sites, that I used to frequent daily, because I end up tearing my hair out trying to navigate from page to page...or have to wait 2 minutes for the home page to load.

I remember the days when the Internet was mostly just text and message boards and it was all about having access to information and being able to jump from one page to the next with a smiple 'click' of the mouse. There were pictures and lots of cool stuff to look at...but I got to choose to look, or not look. Now, I'm running adscans and virus scans every other day because my computer, which is old (but never had problems until the past 12-24 months), just can't take the deluge of 'downloads' each page forces upon it like some sort of force-feeding machine. Just now, I had to unplug my computer instead of waiting for the online dating website ad on Hotmail to load all those pictures of fake people who I have no desire of ever contacting, let alone date. Or how about the time that I had to wait what seemed like forever so that cute little AMEX airplane gif could load and fly across the 4 inches of screen they bought?

I cut cable TV about 4 years ago, and while I do miss getting to watch a ballgame on a summer night, or mindlessly sitting in front of the TV for a couple of hours to unwind while flicking through channels...there's a lot more that a I don't miss, and why I have no desire to ever become an avid TV watcher again. Ads are at the top of the list (with TV news) of things I don't miss. And now...between crappy Internet service, the $50 a month bill, and all these freaking ad-clogged websites, I'm seriously contemplating going totally wireless...as in, no internet at all!

And while that may be at the extreme end of my game of 'how far will I go' to have my sanity...I have already found replacement sites for a couple of the ones that were really bad...and if Hotmail, IGN.com and yahoo don't improve, I'll be taking my business elsewhere from now on! So be warned...style over substance will lose out every time with me.

It truly is a disgusting reminder of how shameless and greedy our capitalist society has become when a service, once thought of as revolutionary and world changing as the Internet was once considered (and, honestly, still is...), can slowly devolve into just another outlet for companies to sell us stuff we don't need, interupt what we want to be doing to show us commercials, and sell us on how cool and hip they are by the slickness of their online banner advertising.

window shopping

I don’t know what all of this is going to turn into. In days gone by, I sometimes couldn’t wait to jump on the computer and spew words onto the screen, eager to see if any of it made sense afterwards. It was all so new and fresh. Now, it feels kind of forced. That could just be me working off the rust, but I really don’t know why I’m doing this again?

Ultimately, I’m hoping that maybe the forced honesty that this forum provides will give me a slap in the face to what I’m doing wrong? Or maybe it’ll tell me who I am now?

I think more than before, I have a lot more questions. I thought I had the answers before. I’m a smart guy…I’ve learned a thing or two along the way…but the older I get, it seems like when it comes to the important stuff, I’m kind of clueless.

Actually, I think more than anything I’ve just been sticking my head in the sand far too often instead of facing the reality of whatever situation is before me. I’ve let my imagination…my idealism…my romanticism run reckless as I attempted to build this misguided, fantasy-land of an existence shuttered away from the rest of the ugly world.

I’ve been kidding myself.

I’m not sure I know how to change…I’m afraid I’m pretty set in my ways at my age…but the stars seem to be aligning for one more window to redemption…and I intend on forcing my way through it.

ripped

I'm at war with myself.

guns and roses

The past two years have been a bit of a blur. I thought when I walked away from my little corner of the Internet in ’09 that things were going to change. Blogging, writing, venting…whatever you want to call this exercise…had served its purpose…it had opened my eyes to a side of myself I’d only caught glimpses of in notebooks and outside the margins in school notes…but it had run its course. It was a capsule of a period of my life, left to float in the infinite of the internet. I rarely, if ever, visited over the past 26 months…to the point where I had pretty much forgotten about F&LIA.

So why did I come back?

Its hard for me to pinpoint, but like most anything in a man’s life, it was at least partly about a girl. A weight has recently been lifted off my shoulders, much to my chagrin at the time. But in hindsight, it has really freed me to move forward completely unencumbered by any ties to anything. And that, somehow, has rekindled a desire to write. What this will turn into, and for how long I don’t know…but the fact that it felt like ‘time’ was an interesting feeling that I haven’t had in a while. Its been an especially rough 6 months on a lot of fronts, and now its just about me, and will stay that way for a while. I don’t exactly have the best record recently when it comes to self-motivating and following through on what sparks of inspiration I’m able to capture…and this world can be tough enough when you’ve got a partner-in-crime, let alone when you’re a lone gunman…so its not like I’m overflowing with confidence. But the fact that I’m going to be running solo for the foreseeable future feels oddly liberating, yet also quite terrifying as well…in a heavy chest kind of way. But it’s the only way I’m going to do this…because I can honestly say that I don’t trust anyone anymore.

heartbeat

with balloons

resolve (?)

I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. Its all a game. A messed up game. I’m convinced this is all some cosmic joke. That after I die, they’ll play back the tape like some sort of America’s Most Painfully Funny Videos and I’ll be expected to laugh. Laugh at my misfortune. Laugh at the indignity of my inner self towards myself. Laugh at how close it all was to being so very different.

And why wasn’t it? Me. I did that.

But isn’t that the way its supposed to be? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Take control of our lives for ourselves…create our own destiny? Only mine ended up with my walking down a dark alley for 15 years before coming to a dead end. Now I’ve got to turn back? Are you kidding me? But I knew it all along. Of course I did.

And so I will have to settle. For this.

death and trees

pull this car over

inside out

Uneventful 5 days. Sort of how I wanted it to be, sort of how I expected it to be. But still…

All this has really done is give me some extended time to myself…and I haven’t really done anything with it. Again…that was the point, and I did need it…but, I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that I’d grab the reins a little bit and…but that is so not me…and getting all depressed and upset over money issues and using that as an excuse to ‘cut back’ and not really do anything interesting or exciting is me…so why am I here then? Sitting here documenting it? How embarrassing, right?

Trying to put it behind me I guess? Tomorrow is my last day off, but I figured I’d get a head start…you know, give myself a day to run some practice drills and do a walkthrough…before I head back to work and crank the ol’ effort meter back up to 100% after a rough couple of weeks. Its never that I don’t care…even when I say I don’t…because I do, and always will…its just that sometimes it feels like just when you’ve got something under control, under your thumb…another new problem/obstacle/idiot jumps in your way…and you’re back at square one...its hard to not let that get to you. I let it get to me. Life is square one every single day it seems. But really it isn’t, because there’s baggage. Sometimes it hits you as soon as you open your eyes, sometimes not until you're on your way to work, and sometimes you may string one or two really good days together where you almost forget…almost…before there’s another leak in the wall…and your feel like your scrambling again. Always scrambling.

Its that part I don't like. I don’t like scrambling. But I know I’ll never have control...or, I'm understanding that fact a little better at least. Control is impossible. So I need to lower my expectations, and my target, and actually shoot for something that’s attainable. If I look like I'm in control, that's half the battle sometimes. I need to stop sticking my neck out so far...and just join the mob already and fight for my piece of the carcass. I need to do this…but will I? Can I?

I honestly don't know...

six days to change my mind

For the first time in my working life, I will be taking a brief, paid, vacation to the sunny shores of my couch. Its my couch because the brakes on my car, that were apparently fine in March, required $urgery, completely wiping out the money that I had saved in order to ‘treat myself’ and have a good time. All of it. And then some. Months of denying myself to put a dent into the credit card bills…and I’m faced with this calamity just as I’m about to embark on what was supposed to be an easy going, no stress 6 days.

I want to meet whoever it is that’s in charge with doling out these kinds of things, cause I want to ask him/her/it what it is I’m doing, and how I can stop doing it so that I stop being picked on. I know everyone feels picked on…nobody gets what they really want…but fuck me?!?!

I’m still going to have a good 6 day break. I’m going to go out and take some pictures. I may take the train into the city and have ‘lunch’. I’m going to rearrange my apartment, sleep in late, and cook at least one fantastic meal. I’m going to wake-and-bake for the first time in…a while…I’m going to go home and play snooker with my father…and I’m going to go for a run. A long one.

But most importantly, these 6 days are about forgetting…about distance…about looking deep inside, making a choice and pouring a coat of resolve all over it. I’ve been miserable for over a month now…real fucking pain…confusion…resentment…frustration…and for the first time in a long time, the faint hint of hopelessness. Normally I’d shake off those feelings with a vigorous ‘smarten up’…but these days I’ve been soaking in it a little too much…wallowing in the mire so to speak…lingering…probably because I’m just so tired, and curious, to see if it still feels the same. It does…only a little worse cause I’m older. Sort of like how hangovers pack that extra weight into their punch when you get into your late 20’s. The gravity of everything is so much more…how the fuck do you not take life so seriously? I mean, I do need to lighten up...but at this point, what's funny? It’s a fucking disaster zone everywhere you look…controlled chaos. The world is fucked up…seriously…it really, really is. And the people in it... But yet things keep on going. How? How is this not catching up to us? Or has it?

This is what I’m trying to forget. I don’t want to care anymore. Any of it. I want to turn it off.

So I’m going inside.