pull this car over

inside out

Uneventful 5 days. Sort of how I wanted it to be, sort of how I expected it to be. But still…

All this has really done is give me some extended time to myself…and I haven’t really done anything with it. Again…that was the point, and I did need it…but, I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that I’d grab the reins a little bit and…but that is so not me…and getting all depressed and upset over money issues and using that as an excuse to ‘cut back’ and not really do anything interesting or exciting is me…so why am I here then? Sitting here documenting it? How embarrassing, right?

Trying to put it behind me I guess? Tomorrow is my last day off, but I figured I’d get a head start…you know, give myself a day to run some practice drills and do a walkthrough…before I head back to work and crank the ol’ effort meter back up to 100% after a rough couple of weeks. Its never that I don’t care…even when I say I don’t…because I do, and always will…its just that sometimes it feels like just when you’ve got something under control, under your thumb…another new problem/obstacle/idiot jumps in your way…and you’re back at square one...its hard to not let that get to you. I let it get to me. Life is square one every single day it seems. But really it isn’t, because there’s baggage. Sometimes it hits you as soon as you open your eyes, sometimes not until you're on your way to work, and sometimes you may string one or two really good days together where you almost forget…almost…before there’s another leak in the wall…and your feel like your scrambling again. Always scrambling.

Its that part I don't like. I don’t like scrambling. But I know I’ll never have control...or, I'm understanding that fact a little better at least. Control is impossible. So I need to lower my expectations, and my target, and actually shoot for something that’s attainable. If I look like I'm in control, that's half the battle sometimes. I need to stop sticking my neck out so far...and just join the mob already and fight for my piece of the carcass. I need to do this…but will I? Can I?

I honestly don't know...

six days to change my mind

For the first time in my working life, I will be taking a brief, paid, vacation to the sunny shores of my couch. Its my couch because the brakes on my car, that were apparently fine in March, required $urgery, completely wiping out the money that I had saved in order to ‘treat myself’ and have a good time. All of it. And then some. Months of denying myself to put a dent into the credit card bills…and I’m faced with this calamity just as I’m about to embark on what was supposed to be an easy going, no stress 6 days.

I want to meet whoever it is that’s in charge with doling out these kinds of things, cause I want to ask him/her/it what it is I’m doing, and how I can stop doing it so that I stop being picked on. I know everyone feels picked on…nobody gets what they really want…but fuck me?!?!

I’m still going to have a good 6 day break. I’m going to go out and take some pictures. I may take the train into the city and have ‘lunch’. I’m going to rearrange my apartment, sleep in late, and cook at least one fantastic meal. I’m going to wake-and-bake for the first time in…a while…I’m going to go home and play snooker with my father…and I’m going to go for a run. A long one.

But most importantly, these 6 days are about forgetting…about distance…about looking deep inside, making a choice and pouring a coat of resolve all over it. I’ve been miserable for over a month now…real fucking pain…confusion…resentment…frustration…and for the first time in a long time, the faint hint of hopelessness. Normally I’d shake off those feelings with a vigorous ‘smarten up’…but these days I’ve been soaking in it a little too much…wallowing in the mire so to speak…lingering…probably because I’m just so tired, and curious, to see if it still feels the same. It does…only a little worse cause I’m older. Sort of like how hangovers pack that extra weight into their punch when you get into your late 20’s. The gravity of everything is so much more…how the fuck do you not take life so seriously? I mean, I do need to lighten up...but at this point, what's funny? It’s a fucking disaster zone everywhere you look…controlled chaos. The world is fucked up…seriously…it really, really is. And the people in it... But yet things keep on going. How? How is this not catching up to us? Or has it?

This is what I’m trying to forget. I don’t want to care anymore. Any of it. I want to turn it off.

So I’m going inside.

nevermind

Nirvana

somewhere near the bottom

This gets harder and harder every time. You'd think the opposite to be true, but no. Maybe that's just another example of why I'm not and everyone else is. I'm fighting so hard, but its as if I'm doing nothing. I'm where I belong.

in the vines

Castanets

everybody knows this is nowhere

Neil Young

the days are long

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

from Alone by Edgar Allen Poe

burn

I don’t exactly know if I’m growing, or dying?

person to person

I really want to start over. Push the reset button and wipe the slate clean. This time will be different. No more of the same mistakes. I know better now. I’m running out of excuses. Some things are just not meant to be. Nothing is for everybody.

Sitting still. Ready to wash away the past. There isn’t anything to look back on anymore. It all hurts. The joys are so faded, so used up, that its like white noise…you feel something, but its just another kind of numb. And all you’re left with is a faint hope that you’ll find your footing someday. Somehow all this will click.

Faint.

I’m running out of everything.

Exotica (1994)

****

Sometimes a mood and a movie fit perfectly, resulting in a 'memorable' viewing experience. I've seen Exotica probably 4 times over the years, and each time, its been a different movie. The layers peeled back to reveal another not seen the first time. Well, I was in 'that' mood last night...really twisted up inside...and decided to put it on, mostly for background. I just wanted to be distracted. But I sat down, and from the opening title song...I was pulled in.

I forgot how hypnotic this film was. Part of me is at a loss for words because I'm tired, and part of me is at a loss simply because I don't think I can really do this film justice by talking about it. Its still haunting me.

testing, testing

Sometimes it feels like life gets tougher. Things come to a head. You reach one of those pivitol forks in the road and your life can go in any number of new directions. A lot of it is out of our hands. You may be tired, and weary…but still you have to face a ‘who/what/where/when/why’ decision that could drastically alter the path of your life.

I’m at that point right now.

Again.

Again.

I know I’m being tested. I can feel it. Even the fortune cookie told me so. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. I can sense it in the people around me. There are probably invisible rays shooting off me like some sort of lasers…piercing the air and anything in their path with sharp, pulsating daggers of strange mojo. I’m probably not a very fun person to be around right now. And I know I’m not making much sense when I talk. I’m all tongue tied and saying stuff I don’t mean or don’t mean to say. I’m stressed out…worn out…strung out…just out is what I am…but I feel the need to shake it off…to break through the wall this time. But I’m weak. Skin and bone. I don’t have it in me, and that's the truth. I barely make it though the day some days…and I’m expected to climb this new mountain? With a bruised heart….and a crazy head?

It makes me laugh. Its all I can do.

distance

something big

At this point in time, I am falling.

Farther away.

I know I will hit the ground.

But where?