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There really is no way to describe the feeling of seeing the girl you care about with another man.  We live in an age where males and females form strong friendships outside the bonds of love and intimacy, so it is not uncommon for a girl to have many male friends with which she shares her time and interests with.  I've known one such girl for well over half a decade now, and we too have become quite close.  I've shared my feelings for her in the past, only to be met with the 'I like you as a friend but...' and gotten over it.  We've stayed close and our friendship has evolved to one of mutual respect and genuine caring for the other person.  She's probably my best friend.

I've known about the other guys.  I've met a couple of them.  I know she spends more time with them then she does me.  But recently our time together has taken on a different tone.  Jeans and messy hair has been replaced with skirts and perfume.  Random texts at all hours of the night.  Genuine concern about my well being when there was merely cautious inquiry before.  Maybe she was finally seeing me for what I am...who I could be?  Maybe she was opening the door to us 'trying' to take our friendship to the next level?  

Then I saw her today, walking down the sidewalk, longboard in hand, skater hat fixed to her head, with one of her young boy friends.  I'm sure she saw me, but she pretended not to...just as I did.  It brought back all those curious feelings of what she was up to with those 'other' friends that she didn't share with me.  If I'm being totally honest, I barely recognized her.  It was if she was another person.  A different version of herself.  Now I don't know what to think?

Who is this girl?  Why the different faces?  Is she wearing them like someone wears clothing based on mood?  Trying on different hats to see which one suits her that day?  Is she still trying to figure out who she really is and we're just tools to help her figure that out? 

I'm not surprised.  I've unconsciously been preparing for this.  I knew this recent arc in our story was some sort of prelude to another fall.  How this all plays out from here on will be very interesting from a human behaviour standpoint...but from a personal standpoint, I'm pretty much dead to it inside.  Frozen solid.  All the help and bending over backwards to help her, all the time and emotion put into being a good friend?  Now it just feels like I've done my part and I can and can back away without any sort of guilt or remorse.  I gave it my best shot.  I gave her all of me...and it still wasn't enough.  OK.  Fine.  She's got friends...she doesn't need me.  I can sleep at night knowing she'll be just fine without me.  I know in my heart and in my gut that this is the wrong way to feel.  Our friendship should count for more than this.  That I shouldn't be so bitter or upset as to throw it all away over seeing something I instinctively knew was the case.  I wish I wasn't so immature to let the unrequited feelings I have for this girl sour me on knowing her and keeping our unique, emotionally uplifting friendship intact.  But I am.  I can't lie and say I feel anything other than pain and hurt right now.  It's dumb, but I guess I'm dumb.  

Maybe this will all pass like it always does?  The next call or text from her I'll jump into action and I'll magically forget how I feel right now.  Maybe.  Probably.  But as it stands, it feels more like the final slice of a death by a thousand cuts...a surefire way to kill myself inside...than a way to 'grow' as a man, a friend and a human being.  It's the reason why I think maybe this sudden revelation is the beginning of the end.  The first nail in the coffin.

She deserves better.  She deserves the best...no matter how I feel she's wronged me.  I just know now that it won't be me who gives it to her, and trying to be her best friend probably isn't doing either of us any good.

Love hurts.