open wound
I knew today would be tough. I wanted to take the easy way out and avoid it all together. But I also wanted to try one last time to be a man and be a friend and do the right thing.
I got the text around 11:00 am asking if I wanted to go. I didn't. But I thought about it, and decided that I'd regret it if I didn't go. That I'd be letting her down somehow. So I caved, and said I'd be there. I showered, got dressed, and hopped in the car. On the way there I knew it was a bad idea. That I wouldn't be able to pretend. That I'd wear my heart on my sleeve and the truth on my face. That I wouldn't be able to stomach seeing the two of them together as a couple. But I wanted to give him a chance. I wanted her to see me giving him a chance. I got there, sat down, and knew I was going to lose today. I should have just stayed away. I had an excuse, but I wanted to show her...I wanted to be a good friend and make her feel loved. That I was OK with everything. I'd gotten to the point where I was OK with everything...I had finally found that place...but this was one last step that I thought I needed to take. But I shouldn't have taken it. I was trying to be the hero...trying to impress her one last time...and instead, I was sick to my stomach. I enjoyed a great meal, a few laughs, but the whole time, I could barely look at the two of them together. The two of them sitting directly across the table from me...as if it was planned that way. So fucking cruel. I made eye contact and small talk...but it was just too much. It made me feel sad all over again...rejected all over again...and for him? I've tried to be fair. I've tried to understand. Love is blind. It grabs you in a way you can't describe, and she loves him. And he loves her. But I don't like him. And I can't believe she loves him. As much as I've given her, and loved her...I understand that you can't make someone love you back...but I've been hoping, praying that I'd see a glimpse of what she sees in him. On paper, he's a great guy. Talented, artistic, smart, successful...but in person, in the flesh...I can't fucking believe what I'm looking at...what I'm hearing.
After we were done, I could barely stand to look at the two of them. I led the way, held the door open for everyone...said goodbye to a couple of friends...and just walked to my car in a daze, without even saying goodbye to either of them. I'm sure she felt it. I'm sure she was upset. Angry. I'm sure he felt it too. My eyes judging him. I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want them to feel that way. But I can't hide such powerful feelings...not when she'll be out of my life...gone...in only a few short days.
I've been in a daze all day since then. I tried to distract myself with work. Tried to think about other things. Tried to ignore the pain in my chest and behind my eyes. But all I could feel is heartbreak. And it made me tired. So tired. I just wanted to go home and lock myself away until the images and the feeling faded.
I'm sitting here now, and it's like I'm back to square one. I had reached acceptance...and in the matter of an hour, I'm right back to the beginning. And I'm going to have to go through it all over again...only now she's probably mad, frustrated and upset herself. And there's no time to mend the gaping rift that this has created.
It was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake.
But everything happens for a reason. I have to believe that. This is my fate. This had to happen. I chose this path. I chose to go. But right now, I really wish I hadn't.
I got the text around 11:00 am asking if I wanted to go. I didn't. But I thought about it, and decided that I'd regret it if I didn't go. That I'd be letting her down somehow. So I caved, and said I'd be there. I showered, got dressed, and hopped in the car. On the way there I knew it was a bad idea. That I wouldn't be able to pretend. That I'd wear my heart on my sleeve and the truth on my face. That I wouldn't be able to stomach seeing the two of them together as a couple. But I wanted to give him a chance. I wanted her to see me giving him a chance. I got there, sat down, and knew I was going to lose today. I should have just stayed away. I had an excuse, but I wanted to show her...I wanted to be a good friend and make her feel loved. That I was OK with everything. I'd gotten to the point where I was OK with everything...I had finally found that place...but this was one last step that I thought I needed to take. But I shouldn't have taken it. I was trying to be the hero...trying to impress her one last time...and instead, I was sick to my stomach. I enjoyed a great meal, a few laughs, but the whole time, I could barely look at the two of them together. The two of them sitting directly across the table from me...as if it was planned that way. So fucking cruel. I made eye contact and small talk...but it was just too much. It made me feel sad all over again...rejected all over again...and for him? I've tried to be fair. I've tried to understand. Love is blind. It grabs you in a way you can't describe, and she loves him. And he loves her. But I don't like him. And I can't believe she loves him. As much as I've given her, and loved her...I understand that you can't make someone love you back...but I've been hoping, praying that I'd see a glimpse of what she sees in him. On paper, he's a great guy. Talented, artistic, smart, successful...but in person, in the flesh...I can't fucking believe what I'm looking at...what I'm hearing.
After we were done, I could barely stand to look at the two of them. I led the way, held the door open for everyone...said goodbye to a couple of friends...and just walked to my car in a daze, without even saying goodbye to either of them. I'm sure she felt it. I'm sure she was upset. Angry. I'm sure he felt it too. My eyes judging him. I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want them to feel that way. But I can't hide such powerful feelings...not when she'll be out of my life...gone...in only a few short days.
I've been in a daze all day since then. I tried to distract myself with work. Tried to think about other things. Tried to ignore the pain in my chest and behind my eyes. But all I could feel is heartbreak. And it made me tired. So tired. I just wanted to go home and lock myself away until the images and the feeling faded.
I'm sitting here now, and it's like I'm back to square one. I had reached acceptance...and in the matter of an hour, I'm right back to the beginning. And I'm going to have to go through it all over again...only now she's probably mad, frustrated and upset herself. And there's no time to mend the gaping rift that this has created.
It was a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake.
But everything happens for a reason. I have to believe that. This is my fate. This had to happen. I chose this path. I chose to go. But right now, I really wish I hadn't.
posted by neil at 3:48 AM
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