words

I'm fucking upset.  I've got that bitter feeling in my chest that just makes you want to yell at anyone or anything...or nothing in particular...to relieve the toxic pressure.  I'm sure some of it the usual emotional rollercoaster that comes with Christmas and this time of year.  All that music and good cheer?  All those thoughtful gifts for that special someone?  Jesus.  However, what is bothering me the most, though, is this lingering feeling of uneasiness that is stronger and heavier than usual.  I feel like I've made a mistake.  I feel guilty.  I had a bad interaction at work today...nothing catastrophic, and in all honesty, it was blown out of proportion by the other person because the guy is a dick...but it was a minor incident that still has me rattled...and still has me angry, at him, and myself.  Why I'm still lugging this piece of shit around with me I can't figure out?

Or can I?

My working theory, as of this very second, is that I'm making this mole hill a mountain because I'm mad at myself for the other stuff...angry that I'm once again taking the smooth, safe road instead of the rocky one...angry that things still look and feel like they just aren't working out...and I'm projecting all of that bile and vinegar at this one, small, trivial interaction so that I'm forced to wallow in my self-loathing...really live it.  I was maybe 20% at fault for the back and forth today, but I'm internalizing and taking on 90% of the blame and shame.  And now I'm really fucking upset.

Bah Humbug!