along the way

I'm making bad decisions right now.  I'm completely avoiding and rejecting any sort of responsibility in an attempt to, I think, make myself as unnecessary as possible.  Is this self sabotage?  Is this me just wanting to unplug for a bit?  Is this the culmination of years and years of taking the easy way out?

I think I'm just trying to be me.  The real me, underneath all the dress and masks.  Who am I really?  Not the best me, or the me I want to become or want people to think I am...but the truth, the person I am deep down.  I think he's a fucking asshole, but we'll see.  I don't think I'm without my charms...but I also think a lot of my 'charm' now is just window dressing and being polite.  I'm my parents son in that respect.  They taught me well.  Am I trying to unlearn what they taught me?  No, not really.  I'm just trying to strip away some of the extra layers of paint in order to see if I really do give a shit, or if I was merely trained to?

And so here I am.  Disappointing people all over the place...and doing a terrible job of making a good name for myself with my new bosses.  Family.  Friends.  They're all in play here.  When will I finally visit?  How long until I finally take the time to reach out and set up a time to meet and catch up?  Do I even want to?  How horrible is it that right now, I don't want anything to do with my family...and it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.  I feel like I'm carrying some sort of disease that makes it impossible to be around anyone I care about.

This is not going to end well.  I've desperately been trying to ignore this very real sense of dread I've been feeling for weeks, and projecting on everything in my life, but this is one dark fucking cloud hanging around...and I'm killing myself trying to find cover.