The Squeaky Wheel...

I get down. No…not that kind of down…I get blue sometimes…no, not that kind of blue…(get your mind out of the gutter......Neil...)...I get depressed. Anything can trigger a dip into the cold black pools I know so well. A rough nights sleep…a shitty day at work…or just getting up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning. Sometimes my mind takes over, and I begin to focus on shit that is always sure to bring me down...lurking in the dark corners. The fact that my job, for all intents and purposes, is as dead end and dead end can be. That I've got a f'n university degree in media studies, and I earn less than $10 an hour. That to call me socially awkward would be a compliment. That the world is full of pigs and weasels and ugly motherfuckers, and they all seem to have a hand on the steering wheel of society…driving us all into the depths of oblivion with a big Joker like grin on their collective faces...with me sitting in the back seat, constantly being jerked around in all sorts of directions, fearing for my life. Politicians, CEO's and management types, criminals…I've come to the decision that, as much as I'd love to latch onto my current place of work and slowly worm my way up that gleaming corporate ladder…I'm just not interested in handing over my soul in order to make a few more bucks…not yet at least. Is it really worth feeling that cold chill in my gut whenever I have to 'upsell' a customer at work...or 'push' some corporate money making idea of the hour...or having a gun stuck in the back of my head…just so I can make just enough money to pay for rent, food, gas, utilities…with enough left over to have a little fun when I actually feel like having fun?

So what do I do? I'm not going to quit…at least not yet. Christmas is coming, and to leave now would put my co-workers in a bind…and there is money to be made. So I'm staying 'till at least January…but after that…

I've also decided that I really need to do some deep soul searching. I've been out of school for 4 years now, and I'm still treading water. The music business chewed me up and spit me out, with little to show for it…and real estate in a foreign country just didn't make a lot of sense for me. Factory work…customer service…slave labour…your just a cog in the machine…a replaceable part. Part of me likes that, the fact that I can just blend in, put my head down, do my job, and then leave it behind when I punch out. People don't expect much out of you, so they don't ask too much. And if they do ask too much…you just point at your last paycheque and let them know that you don't earn enough to eat shit. I'm just a drone…any ambition and motivation I had when I was younger has been replaced by a feeling of indifference, apathy and resignation. This is life…and life is a struggle. I could be wearing a suit, hitchin a ride on the red rocket every morning, pulling down $30,000 a year…but I bet you I'd still get miserable sometimes. Don't get me wrong…I'm not a gloomy gus ALL the time…but its one of those inevitable things that I know is just around the corner…and if I wait long enough, the good times end…and the clouds start to form overhead. Rolling waves of black water.

I think a lot of people struggle with these sorts of questions. Many of the blogs I read are littered with hints of venom, piss and bile…people who are fed up, tired, confused, angry, frustrated, lost…but still managing to hold down jobs and mortgages, take care of kids and husbands or wives, girlfriends and boyfriends…they still make it though the day, just like I seem to do everyday. Is this it?

For me…I don't want much out of life. I've given up trying to be rich and famous. The dreams of my adolescence and teenage years are dead…dried up like an old piece of fruit. Now all I want is peace. Peace of mind…peace and quiet…and if I'm lucky, a piece of someone's heart. Can love save us? I think it can…maybe its only able to sustain us for short bursts…like the feeling you get when you first fall for someone…but then, as the layers are peeled back, the love takes on new dynamic…what was once new and fresh and exciting, becomes predictable, familiar and comfortable...but still a thing of wonder. The fire still burns…but it's a slow burn, with a fresh log being thrown on the fire from time to time to keep it going. I'm a romantic at heart…and I believe that there is someone out there for me, the ying to my yang…but its almost as I've given up finding that person. She exists…but she could be living in a hut in China…or a mansion in Germany for all I know. Will fate bring us together? Cause I've been waiting on fate for a long time…

Maybe I just need to be patient and wait this storm out…or maybe I need to get off my ass, grab the raincoat and be a little more pro-active? Which one is it? Hopefully this is a true and clear crossroads I'm at right now…right or left, black or white…and not one of those fly by night ones where I make promises and set goals…only to forget the whole thing a week later. Maybe I'll finally get up off the canvas, dust myself off, and get back in the fight. I may be behind on points…but I know I can still win…