Reality Check

Not a whole lot to write about today, but I figured I'd challenge myself and post 'something'. I was in a bit of a weird zone today. I had quite a bit to do before punching in for a 7 hour shift at 5…take the car to the local scrap yard to get my trunk fixed, walk home, do some cleaning, make lunch, eat, walk back to the scrap yard, pick up my car…drive 15 minutes to the closest 'open' bank with an ATM…withdraw the man's money…drive back, pay the man, come home, shower, get dressed, go to work…stand on my feet for 7 hours and then drive home.

And here I am…sitting with computer in lap, at 1:22…still zoned out…not tired, but not 'awake' either…just sort of…up. I've been doing a lot of thinking today, and soul searching, and to be honest, I like what I've found. I'm learning to really practice what I preach…not letting the small things that I have little to no control over get to me…allowing myself to put my own personal feelings aside to be happy for someone else…not let the shit going on at work weigh on me. I'm learning that life is a crapshoot sometimes, and sometimes things just don't work out the way you'd like…but that quite often, its for a good reason. It used to really bug me, like I was the one being hard-done-by…that life was ganging up on me…that I must have done something in some past life that I'm paying for in this one…but I'm starting to realize, with the help of Buddhism, wisdom and maturity, that putting it all on you only helps the negative cycle to continue. As much as we all want happiness for ourselves, seeing people we like or are friends with enjoying life, and being happy, can bring happiness to our lives…and if we let ourselves be happy, and smile, then that energy will somehow translate into our own life.

Seeing my buddy, who I was best friends with for a number of years in High School and after University, married, working on painting and fixing up the house he just bought…the look on his face, and the 'vibe' of contentment that was radiating off him was nice to see. Yes, I was jealous, and a little envious, as we had a bit of a falling out over a failed business venture that probably set me back a few years personally and professionally…but those feelings paled in comparison to the notion that I knew this is what he's always wanted, and where he's always wanted to be…and to see him there, actually living it was a good feeling. If he can make it…

Hearing about someone of the opposite sex who I've come to know and was starting to become interested in enter into a new relationship might have been a big bummer for me in the past…and my initial gut feeling was the old stand by of 'ahhhh, shit...lucky me!'…but after thinking on it, and having this person be as gracious, honest and sweet about it as they were, it was very easy for me to put my own biases aside and be genuinely happy for her. If I like this person, why wouldn't I want positive things for her? Who am I to feel hard-done-by…it really has nothing at all to do with me…I'm just some dude she barely knows. This news doesn't change a single thing in so far as how I see this person…so why should I get all sour? She's still the same person, and I still think she's cool. And when I look at it like that, it's a lot easier to be happy for her…and that makes me happy.

Or reading about the escapades of another friend, enjoying her newfound freedom, sprouting wings and floating on a cloud of good vibes as she and her friends hop from one fun spot to another…getting ready to fly off to Europe and Australia…yes, I could be envious…but I'm not…because I know she deserves it, and that she's the type of person who can and will get more out of a situation like that than I would…because I'm just not that way inclined…at least, not in my current state. To want to be there, included in the fun would just be selfish and a bit of a lie. Sure, it'd be fun to cut loose and have a good time, but they're not my friends, they're hers…just like I'm sure she would not have had fun sitting in my buddies basement for 7 hours watching football, drinking beer (and way too much root beer), eating KFC, talking about football, life, the old days and how badly I ripped my boy Jon off in a trade in our Fantasy Football league. Then again…I don't think there is anyone reading this who is envious of that story…

So, the point I'm trying to make is that, yes, I am far from where I want to be in life compared to the people I know. Many of my friends are now married, some have kids, houses, mortgages, full-time careers (not 'jobs' like me)…and are well on their way to their vision of happiness. Part of me does wish that I could have all that too…to not be so far behind…but the other part of me knows that I'm not ready for, or capable of these things yet…it's a dream…and someone else's dream at that. I've got to work on my dream, and take things one day at a time…putting myself in the right frame of mind to start working towards what it is I really want.

Now…if only I knew what I really wanted...