six days to change my mind
For the first time in my working life, I will be taking a brief, paid, vacation to the sunny shores of my couch. Its my couch because the brakes on my car, that were apparently fine in March, required $urgery, completely wiping out the money that I had saved in order to ‘treat myself’ and have a good time. All of it. And then some. Months of denying myself to put a dent into the credit card bills…and I’m faced with this calamity just as I’m about to embark on what was supposed to be an easy going, no stress 6 days.
I want to meet whoever it is that’s in charge with doling out these kinds of things, cause I want to ask him/her/it what it is I’m doing, and how I can stop doing it so that I stop being picked on. I know everyone feels picked on…nobody gets what they really want…but fuck me?!?!
I’m still going to have a good 6 day break. I’m going to go out and take some pictures. I may take the train into the city and have ‘lunch’. I’m going to rearrange my apartment, sleep in late, and cook at least one fantastic meal. I’m going to wake-and-bake for the first time in…a while…I’m going to go home and play snooker with my father…and I’m going to go for a run. A long one.
But most importantly, these 6 days are about forgetting…about distance…about looking deep inside, making a choice and pouring a coat of resolve all over it. I’ve been miserable for over a month now…real fucking pain…confusion…resentment…frustration…and for the first time in a long time, the faint hint of hopelessness. Normally I’d shake off those feelings with a vigorous ‘smarten up’…but these days I’ve been soaking in it a little too much…wallowing in the mire so to speak…lingering…probably because I’m just so tired, and curious, to see if it still feels the same. It does…only a little worse cause I’m older. Sort of like how hangovers pack that extra weight into their punch when you get into your late 20’s. The gravity of everything is so much more…how the fuck do you not take life so seriously? I mean, I do need to lighten up...but at this point, what's funny? It’s a fucking disaster zone everywhere you look…controlled chaos. The world is fucked up…seriously…it really, really is. And the people in it... But yet things keep on going. How? How is this not catching up to us? Or has it?
This is what I’m trying to forget. I don’t want to care anymore. Any of it. I want to turn it off.
So I’m going inside.
I want to meet whoever it is that’s in charge with doling out these kinds of things, cause I want to ask him/her/it what it is I’m doing, and how I can stop doing it so that I stop being picked on. I know everyone feels picked on…nobody gets what they really want…but fuck me?!?!
I’m still going to have a good 6 day break. I’m going to go out and take some pictures. I may take the train into the city and have ‘lunch’. I’m going to rearrange my apartment, sleep in late, and cook at least one fantastic meal. I’m going to wake-and-bake for the first time in…a while…I’m going to go home and play snooker with my father…and I’m going to go for a run. A long one.
But most importantly, these 6 days are about forgetting…about distance…about looking deep inside, making a choice and pouring a coat of resolve all over it. I’ve been miserable for over a month now…real fucking pain…confusion…resentment…frustration…and for the first time in a long time, the faint hint of hopelessness. Normally I’d shake off those feelings with a vigorous ‘smarten up’…but these days I’ve been soaking in it a little too much…wallowing in the mire so to speak…lingering…probably because I’m just so tired, and curious, to see if it still feels the same. It does…only a little worse cause I’m older. Sort of like how hangovers pack that extra weight into their punch when you get into your late 20’s. The gravity of everything is so much more…how the fuck do you not take life so seriously? I mean, I do need to lighten up...but at this point, what's funny? It’s a fucking disaster zone everywhere you look…controlled chaos. The world is fucked up…seriously…it really, really is. And the people in it... But yet things keep on going. How? How is this not catching up to us? Or has it?
This is what I’m trying to forget. I don’t want to care anymore. Any of it. I want to turn it off.
So I’m going inside.
posted by neil at 1:53 AM
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