turn around
So I gave my last post another read yesterday and felt pretty shitty about it. Actually, I felt pretty shitty about it as I was writing it...but in the harsh light of the day after it was clear that I'm a pretty shallow, horrible person to have articulated my feelings in such a way. The truth is this girl I wrote about on Saturday is someone who's been a very good friend to me during a time in my life when I don't have a lot of friends. Most of that is by choice...I'm not a people person...I don't go out and socialize very often...I pretty much keep to myself unless I'm dragged out of my apartment by an old friend or some work related outing. I don't like bars or places where you're expected or encouraged to mingle. I don't enjoy the art of conversation. I get bored and tend to want to extricate myself from any chat that lasts longer than a few minutes. However, when I spend time with my friend, hours pass by without me noticing. Conversations will naturally ebb and flow, changing direction and picking up on new tangents as naturally as waves coming in with the tide. I'm never bored. We have a lot in common so that helps, but I also find myself truly, genuinely interested in hearing about the banal stuff like how her day was, or what's been bugging her at work lately. I don't talk about myself much, though when I do need to get stuff off my chest, it doesn't feel forced or 'pulled' out of me by a friend who's more interested in 'seeming' concerned because it makes them feel like a good friend, but a natural 'maybe I can help' type thing. It's why I feel the way I do about her. It's why I cherish any time I get to spend with her, even if it's just the 15 minutes it takes me to drive her to work from time to time. I like to help, it's who I am...but I also like talking to her and just seeing her. It makes my day.
She knows this. But it doesn't matter to her like it does me. I get that. It hurts, but I get it. So I have to try and bury those 'other' feelings and remember that her friendship and the time I do get to spend with her is time to cherish. It won't last much longer, I can feel it. Time will eventually separate us, and another good friend will be lost to memory and the past. It's inevitable. Even more so because of my history. The life cycles of my friendships is about 5 years...tops...and then, invariably, something happens to pull the other person out of my life. I had 4 best friends move away early in my life in quick succession. Then my gang of 5 disbanded when girls, religion and the prospect of University came into play. Then there was the 4 year run at University that resulted in the inevitable 'going our separate ways' upon its conclusion. Then there was a couple of years of reconnecting with one of my previous best friends before that, once again, ran its course and life (and a marriage) ended that. Since then, I've been extremely hesitant to get close to anyone out of fear of losing them like I've lost everyone else who's ever meant anything to me as a friend. Women are a whole other issue...another novel for another day...but it's been about 5 years now since I first met this girl and once again, the cycle of life is starting to come full circle. Part of this reaction I'm sure is an ingrained flight mechanism that is desperately trying to get me to pull myself out first...but I'd be lying if I said she'd miss me more than I'd miss her even if I was able, somehow, to pull that trick off. Fact is she's got her whole life ahead of her, a ton of friends, a winning personality and a bright future with the right break or two...whereas I'm still stuck in a limbo I've been floating in since 2005...if not before. I'd finally found someone I wanted in my life again, someone I could actually see myself spending lots and lots of time with over the next 5-10-20 years (if I were to be so lucky)...and once again the Gods have stepped in to remind me that things just don't work out that way for me. Getting my hopes up was the cruelest joke I could play on myself. I was silly to think things would be different this time.
I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm also a jaded, scarred optimist...but an optimist nonetheless, and despite history, I continue to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a method to the madness. That one of these days I'll be rewarded for all this suffering and pain...gleefully stunned when the light finally shines on me and things break right for a change. It's been my secret hope these past few years that that light would shine and her. On us. No such luck.
But I do have the power to be a big boy about this and attempt to hold onto something special, even if it does bring with it a considerable amount of heartache. It's not easy watching 'your girl' choose someone else. It's not easy hearing about it after the fact. It's not easy having it shoved in your face as you drive by on a sunny Saturday afternoon, shattering your heart and soul into a million lifeless little pieces. But I've got no choice. She means the world to me. Ten percent of her is still better than zero. It's something. For now, it'll have to be enough.
It won't be easy. But for the sake of my manhood, my sanity, and the best friend I've got...I have no choice but to try.
She knows this. But it doesn't matter to her like it does me. I get that. It hurts, but I get it. So I have to try and bury those 'other' feelings and remember that her friendship and the time I do get to spend with her is time to cherish. It won't last much longer, I can feel it. Time will eventually separate us, and another good friend will be lost to memory and the past. It's inevitable. Even more so because of my history. The life cycles of my friendships is about 5 years...tops...and then, invariably, something happens to pull the other person out of my life. I had 4 best friends move away early in my life in quick succession. Then my gang of 5 disbanded when girls, religion and the prospect of University came into play. Then there was the 4 year run at University that resulted in the inevitable 'going our separate ways' upon its conclusion. Then there was a couple of years of reconnecting with one of my previous best friends before that, once again, ran its course and life (and a marriage) ended that. Since then, I've been extremely hesitant to get close to anyone out of fear of losing them like I've lost everyone else who's ever meant anything to me as a friend. Women are a whole other issue...another novel for another day...but it's been about 5 years now since I first met this girl and once again, the cycle of life is starting to come full circle. Part of this reaction I'm sure is an ingrained flight mechanism that is desperately trying to get me to pull myself out first...but I'd be lying if I said she'd miss me more than I'd miss her even if I was able, somehow, to pull that trick off. Fact is she's got her whole life ahead of her, a ton of friends, a winning personality and a bright future with the right break or two...whereas I'm still stuck in a limbo I've been floating in since 2005...if not before. I'd finally found someone I wanted in my life again, someone I could actually see myself spending lots and lots of time with over the next 5-10-20 years (if I were to be so lucky)...and once again the Gods have stepped in to remind me that things just don't work out that way for me. Getting my hopes up was the cruelest joke I could play on myself. I was silly to think things would be different this time.
I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm also a jaded, scarred optimist...but an optimist nonetheless, and despite history, I continue to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a method to the madness. That one of these days I'll be rewarded for all this suffering and pain...gleefully stunned when the light finally shines on me and things break right for a change. It's been my secret hope these past few years that that light would shine and her. On us. No such luck.
But I do have the power to be a big boy about this and attempt to hold onto something special, even if it does bring with it a considerable amount of heartache. It's not easy watching 'your girl' choose someone else. It's not easy hearing about it after the fact. It's not easy having it shoved in your face as you drive by on a sunny Saturday afternoon, shattering your heart and soul into a million lifeless little pieces. But I've got no choice. She means the world to me. Ten percent of her is still better than zero. It's something. For now, it'll have to be enough.
It won't be easy. But for the sake of my manhood, my sanity, and the best friend I've got...I have no choice but to try.
posted by neil at 12:40 AM
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