General WTFness

*I apologize for the cryptic melodramatic shit…I’m a bit worn down from a lack of sleep (about 10 hours in the last 3 nights) and my mind is playing tricks on me…that or I’m hearing voices. Sometimes, I just feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. No matter how much I try to stay positive, or try to keep my emotions and feelings in check, I inevitably slip on some emotional black ice and find myself with my foot in my mouth, rubbing my bruised ass. I’ll can feel right on track, hours turning into days…chugging away towards the horizon, and then some idea will pop into my head, and it will be all I can think of. Old habits die hard…VERY hard.

Today, it was frustration with my lack of enthusiasm for the Holidays that made me feel like waving the white flag…feeling like everyone is getting ready to gather at their respective family ranches for an at home Christmas, visiting with friends back from University…parties, eggnog and dry homemade cookies…while I’ll be slaving away, serving customers as they spread all that holiday cheer in my face and then coming home to nothing. I was so unenthused about Christmas this year I volunteered to work Christmas Day….a full 7 hour shift, just so I could avoid feeling like shit on the day itself (or at the very least, having a good reason to feel ‘Scroogy’). I’ve also had a handful of acquaintances simply disappear from my radar…too busy or too distant to reach out and say hi. I am not a needy person, at all…but I was enjoying coming home to find a ‘hello Neil’ or a ‘hey, guess what I’m up to’ in my inbox…but I guess family and flesh and bone friends come first at this time of year (and there are only so many hours in the day…) so I’ll quietly sit in the corner and mind my own business. It’s tough though…to like someone enough to care how they are doing, to genuinely care…and not feel like you’re getting through to them. I’m sure I’m reading way more into it than is necessary, but the disconnect can be mighty frustrating when your guts are telling you one thing, your heart another, and your head something else.

"Feelings...nothing more than feelings..."

Don’t get me wrong, part of this is all tied into loneliness and feeling like I’m on a deserted island where the messages in bottles aren’t making it past the first waves…I can’t deny that…but I deal with those feelings all the time, and they always pass after a couple of hours…I am hardly what you would call a ‘lonely’ person (or maybe I am…but I’ve spend the better part of my adult life on my own and I’m rarely motivated to change the situation…but that could easily be chalked up to self loathing and a lack of confidence…so who knows…) but its like an extreme case of boredom where you just can’t find anything to distract yourself. You just sit and the bad thoughts and feelings start to mutate to the point where they take over…and the only thing that will help is booze, drugs, or sleep…none of which I have at my disposal right now.

So after working a 7 hour shift, I do actually feel better…like I just burned up the rotten pile of garbage lodged in my soul running around like a madman…so that’s why I wanted to add this little ‘note’ to my post…it was a moment of weakness and nothing more…

I wish I had happy news, or something better to add…but my brain feels like grinded up ice cubes, and even though all I want to do is sleep, I’m sure it’ll be early morning before I actually accomplish that goal.

Nighty night…