On A Train To Nowhere...

I’m tired. I haven’t slept well in over a week and my bones, my soul and my brain are weary. I feel as if my life is caught in one of those amusement park rides that go ‘round and ‘round and pins you to the back wall…powerless to break free of gravity’s hold…locked in the cage. Everything spinning all around me, a blur of colours and lights…my stomach churning with balls of dizzyingly nervous energy. Catching great gulps of breath as I try to dislodge the frog in my chest, I just want to survive. And just when things start to slow down, and I think they might let me off…the ride starts up again, and I’m back against the wall…going around in circles again. Enough already…

My brain is my enemy. So is my heart. Uncontrollable, I am a galloping stallion to the sting of their whips. Two glowing masses of tissue and blood, they instill in me equal parts wonder and weariness. I am so tired of this broken telephone. I am a loss for words. I am the director of this tragedy…the one who delivers the script…the one who chooses the stage…and I am ultimately the one who destroys the whole production before the curtain can ever rise. I’m my own saboteur. My own assassin. Maybe I did stray too far so long ago? I won’t ever get where I thought I was going…

Have I been going the wrong way all along? Or is this a recent development? That’s what you get when you don’t ask for directions. Were those feeling I felt way back when just a figment of my imagination…my environment? Or simply alcohol and drug fueled reactionary kicks? Spasms of the cortex…aftershocks still ringing in my ears. What about what I feel today? Is any of it real? Or is it all locked up inside...my own internal music box and projector playing just for me and me alone? Puppet show for one? Maybe its time I just got off this train…forget the next stop. How many times can I crash before I don’t get up?