fixed gaze

How far do I have to go? Can it be measured in steps or miles? Today the rotting walls seem to be peeling away, letting in fresh air. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I’ll take today for now. I’m still shrouded in a cold cloak of darkness, but the comfort of feeling in tune with something, however small and distant, has me at least feeling that I’m not absolutely isolated from everything and everyone. Foreign films and new music have me thinking in another language…giving me a fresh perspective.

“Fill it to the top!”

But like anything new, there is a shelf life to this ‘feeling’ I have. I know it’ll fade. But the buzz I had today felt very strange. Even a bad nights sleep (no sleep) wasn’t enough to extinguish it. My mind is a bit of a mess, and I’ve been tripping over my feet all day…but its like I’ve got my eyes locked on some beautiful scene off in the distance and no matter what’s going on around me, my gaze is fixed straight ahead…head slightly tilted in curiosity. I still don’t really understand what I’m looking at…is it just another mirage...a fleeting glimpse of 'whatif'...or the monolith I’ve been searching for…but I’m desperate not to let it out of my sight.

But we’ve been here before.

Am I supposed to be content that I got today…and hope that the next day like today is tomorrow and not next month? Whatever is happening, its different. Could just be a terrible tease…the tiny peak before the bottomless trough...I’ve got no reason to feel ‘good’ today…none at all…I just do. It’s certainly better than feeling like shit...or lost like I usually do…but without a reason…it's just as scary.