Guarding Against The Darkness
For some of us, blogging isn’t all fun, whimsy and cracking wise. For some, blogging can be an emotional journey into the many shades of our personalities…shades which, in the hustle and bustle of the day, don’t always appear to us, or aren’t always noticed. However, when one puts pen to paper…or in this case, fingers to keyboard…things slip out, and are instantly frozen in time, like a prehistoric insect in amber…to be viewed by nameless and faceless individuals of all walks of life, from all parts of the world, days, weeks, or even months later. But most importantly, as is the case with my own blog, I too am able to review old posts made in the heat of the moment, or in the depths of despair, and try to make sense of them when I've regained my senses.
Its not very often that I’m embarrassed with what I write. I’m as honest as I can be when it comes to my posts, and if I’m feeling like shit, and am trying to put my finger on how/why I came to be that way, I will often sit quietly in the very chair I am sitting in now, hunch over, and try to find the words. I do censor myself a bit…nothing TOO embarrassing should ever make it to post…but after my ‘200 Year Old’ post, and after the dreary haze of that day had lifted, I read over it again and thought to myself, why? Why would I do that to myself? Why would I expose myself as the gutless, pathetic wimp that said post clearly makes me out to be. Sure…I’m flawed…even more so than most...but anyone who knows me knows that I am a very resilient, strong willed guy…and while I am prone to visible displays of moodiness, I usually try to keep it to myself so as not to suck anyone else into my vortex of misery. But when it comes to the blog…I seem to feel no shame…that is, until the next day.
So what am I trying to accomplish with these little bursts of cathartic blurbs? Well I’ve thought about it some, and here are some of my theories.
a) By baring my soul, I am attempting to find people like me who can relate to my struggles, who may be able to offer words of wisdom (like my good, anonymous friend did for ‘200’) and a ‘you’re not alone’ from time to time. Maybe I'll even reach people who'll want to get to know me better (if they already don’t). Ideally, would I like to meet and develop lasting, personal relationships with people who read my blog? I’d be lying if I said no. But I’m also terribly anti-social, so I am rarely, if ever, compelled to even go out, let alone meet people who I've met online...but I have been bitten by that bug once so far, and a couple times in my life, so its not out of the question for it to happen again. However, that idea died a pretty painful death this last go around, so now I'm even more hesitant to venture down that road again. I'll probably just have to settle for the odd insightful and caring e-mail or comment from a friendly face. Beggars can’t be choosy, right?
b) By exposing my ‘dark/ugly’ side, I am forcing myself to take a hard look at myself…and in doing so, hopefully, I will uncover some answers as to how I can best fix the broken bits. I’ve been a consistently unhappy, jaded, frustrated person for a long time now, but since I started blogging, I’ve been surprised to see that there seems to be a pattern to my moods...and I've even noticed a couple of triggers. I am prone to being affected by the actions (or inaction) of others, but most of the time, these dark days roll in because of something that is going on with me. Dealing with it internally, I guess I’ve gotten good at just suppressing it…burying it deep enough so that it only rears its head once in a blue moon…to devestating effect...but by posting these thoughts and feelings in blog form forces me to confront them publicly, head on, and in an altogether different manor. This dark side…this ‘other’ me…is not the ‘real’ me…but he is a part of me…a conjoined twin of sorts…my darker half…so to try and bury him, or ignore him is just a lost cause. He is very real. I’ve learned that much. What I need to do, and what I am trying to do, is to literally cut him out of my life. Giving him less ammo, ridiculing him after he’s spoken, and if possible, taking the gun away from him entirely. Make him so small I can't hear him anymore. Now, to think I’ll be rid of this side of my personality for good at some point is a bit of a stretch…he’s been haunting me since I was 15…but, despite my rant, I do still believe in myself and others, and in my ability to overcome adversity…of all shapes and shades. And as small as my steps forward have been...and as often as I've slid back down to the basement...I still feel like I am making progess...however tiny. It may still feel like I'm stuck in a hole 6 feet deep…the same one I've been in for years...but I still haven’t been buried yet…and there's something to be said for that.
c) By continuously trying to write, and trying to articulate my feelings, I am hoping that my true voice will reveal itself to me. I’ve got a idea of who I am and what I’ve got to say…I just haven’t figured it out to the point where I can bring out the best of me. All I can do is keep trying…sometimes my words will be bold…other times they’ll be boring…but they’ll all come from me (or will be selected by me….as I’ve shown, I like to quote others to better articulate where I’m at or where I’m coming from).
d) I’m shy…so this is my only hope. I don’t mingle well, I don’t make new friends, and I can be painfully awkward in social situations…so hiding behind a computer screen is as good a chance as I’ve got to reach out and meet people. Eventually, the goal is to venture out into the real world, armed with lessons learned here…but you’ve got to walk before you run, and I'm still barely crawling.
e) I have been lucky to meet a couple of really wonderful souls on my online travels…and they have each given me something…and its my hope that I am able to give back in some way by continuing to keep in touch, even if indirectly. I may not have received everything I was looking for or hoping for, and may have made mistakes along the way, but I am better for having met all of them, and consider myself lucky to have crossed their paths in this life. For now…they know where to find me...and some of them still do from time to time.
I’m sure there are some other conscious or subconscious reasons I have for doing this…some of which I’m sure are embarrassingly personal and point to my inability to take control of my life…but what I really want to make clear is that, yes, I have a dark side…but that’s not the Neil I want to be…and its not the Neil I am most of the time…but he’s lurking, always lurking in the shadows, ready to derail me if my guard isn’t up.
I guess I’ll just have to stay ready.
Its not very often that I’m embarrassed with what I write. I’m as honest as I can be when it comes to my posts, and if I’m feeling like shit, and am trying to put my finger on how/why I came to be that way, I will often sit quietly in the very chair I am sitting in now, hunch over, and try to find the words. I do censor myself a bit…nothing TOO embarrassing should ever make it to post…but after my ‘200 Year Old’ post, and after the dreary haze of that day had lifted, I read over it again and thought to myself, why? Why would I do that to myself? Why would I expose myself as the gutless, pathetic wimp that said post clearly makes me out to be. Sure…I’m flawed…even more so than most...but anyone who knows me knows that I am a very resilient, strong willed guy…and while I am prone to visible displays of moodiness, I usually try to keep it to myself so as not to suck anyone else into my vortex of misery. But when it comes to the blog…I seem to feel no shame…that is, until the next day.
So what am I trying to accomplish with these little bursts of cathartic blurbs? Well I’ve thought about it some, and here are some of my theories.
a) By baring my soul, I am attempting to find people like me who can relate to my struggles, who may be able to offer words of wisdom (like my good, anonymous friend did for ‘200’) and a ‘you’re not alone’ from time to time. Maybe I'll even reach people who'll want to get to know me better (if they already don’t). Ideally, would I like to meet and develop lasting, personal relationships with people who read my blog? I’d be lying if I said no. But I’m also terribly anti-social, so I am rarely, if ever, compelled to even go out, let alone meet people who I've met online...but I have been bitten by that bug once so far, and a couple times in my life, so its not out of the question for it to happen again. However, that idea died a pretty painful death this last go around, so now I'm even more hesitant to venture down that road again. I'll probably just have to settle for the odd insightful and caring e-mail or comment from a friendly face. Beggars can’t be choosy, right?
b) By exposing my ‘dark/ugly’ side, I am forcing myself to take a hard look at myself…and in doing so, hopefully, I will uncover some answers as to how I can best fix the broken bits. I’ve been a consistently unhappy, jaded, frustrated person for a long time now, but since I started blogging, I’ve been surprised to see that there seems to be a pattern to my moods...and I've even noticed a couple of triggers. I am prone to being affected by the actions (or inaction) of others, but most of the time, these dark days roll in because of something that is going on with me. Dealing with it internally, I guess I’ve gotten good at just suppressing it…burying it deep enough so that it only rears its head once in a blue moon…to devestating effect...but by posting these thoughts and feelings in blog form forces me to confront them publicly, head on, and in an altogether different manor. This dark side…this ‘other’ me…is not the ‘real’ me…but he is a part of me…a conjoined twin of sorts…my darker half…so to try and bury him, or ignore him is just a lost cause. He is very real. I’ve learned that much. What I need to do, and what I am trying to do, is to literally cut him out of my life. Giving him less ammo, ridiculing him after he’s spoken, and if possible, taking the gun away from him entirely. Make him so small I can't hear him anymore. Now, to think I’ll be rid of this side of my personality for good at some point is a bit of a stretch…he’s been haunting me since I was 15…but, despite my rant, I do still believe in myself and others, and in my ability to overcome adversity…of all shapes and shades. And as small as my steps forward have been...and as often as I've slid back down to the basement...I still feel like I am making progess...however tiny. It may still feel like I'm stuck in a hole 6 feet deep…the same one I've been in for years...but I still haven’t been buried yet…and there's something to be said for that.
c) By continuously trying to write, and trying to articulate my feelings, I am hoping that my true voice will reveal itself to me. I’ve got a idea of who I am and what I’ve got to say…I just haven’t figured it out to the point where I can bring out the best of me. All I can do is keep trying…sometimes my words will be bold…other times they’ll be boring…but they’ll all come from me (or will be selected by me….as I’ve shown, I like to quote others to better articulate where I’m at or where I’m coming from).
d) I’m shy…so this is my only hope. I don’t mingle well, I don’t make new friends, and I can be painfully awkward in social situations…so hiding behind a computer screen is as good a chance as I’ve got to reach out and meet people. Eventually, the goal is to venture out into the real world, armed with lessons learned here…but you’ve got to walk before you run, and I'm still barely crawling.
e) I have been lucky to meet a couple of really wonderful souls on my online travels…and they have each given me something…and its my hope that I am able to give back in some way by continuing to keep in touch, even if indirectly. I may not have received everything I was looking for or hoping for, and may have made mistakes along the way, but I am better for having met all of them, and consider myself lucky to have crossed their paths in this life. For now…they know where to find me...and some of them still do from time to time.
I’m sure there are some other conscious or subconscious reasons I have for doing this…some of which I’m sure are embarrassingly personal and point to my inability to take control of my life…but what I really want to make clear is that, yes, I have a dark side…but that’s not the Neil I want to be…and its not the Neil I am most of the time…but he’s lurking, always lurking in the shadows, ready to derail me if my guard isn’t up.
I guess I’ll just have to stay ready.
posted by neil at 8:06 PM
3 Comments:
Don't apologize for being honest. Remember, by writing about a moment in your life you gain a kind of control over those emotions. It's like catching fireflies and putting them in jars. Not so dark with shelves full of fireflies.
Very honest, very insightful blog, Neil. Many of the same reasons we're all on here.
I think another underlying reason we all do this is that we are looking for relevance. Not exactly motivated by narcissism (as I love to reference, albeit with tongue firmly in cheek), but an attempt to get across ideas we may feel we can't, or don't have the opportunity to express in other venues. I guess we all feel we have something to say, and hope that it matters.
Good to see you are finding that pinhole of light!
Always a faithful reader,
A.
thank you both.
J - Love the firefly analogy. Sometimes I just don't like how I come across on here...and I feel the need to explain myself...both to my readers, and myself. Clearly, I'm still trying to figure shit out.
A - I agree, I am looking for some sort of relevance on here...but how to do that is still a mystery. I've always found it easier to express myself through writing...and the anonymity of the internet allows me to be a little more 'free' than I would be if I was handing over pages to a living, breathing human being. But that still doesn't make looking at my ugly side any easier.
Post a Comment
<< Home