broken down

I can’t do this anymore.
I’m fooling myself if I think I’m still trying.
Really trying.
I gave up a long time ago…its just taken the rest of me a while to catch up.
Why am I still trying to see what isn’t there?
Every time I think I see something…or feel something...and try to grab onto it…it turns out to be nothing.
What I want I can't feel.
What I want I can't see.
So is it really there?
All that I see now is other people.
Like ghosts.
I feel like I’m literally going to snap like a thousand cables and break like a million panes of glass.
I can’t sleep cause I’m afraid.
Because part of me doesn't want to face another tomorrow.
Because my dreams haunt me.
They keep me up at night.
Distract me all day.
They won't die.
They won't go away.
Tomorrow offers no break…no new day.
Just more of this…whatever this is.
More mistakes.
More frustration.
More fuel for the ever growing fire.
All I want now…if I really want anything at all…is for this chapter to be over.
To turn the page.
But it just won’t end.
Because there’s still tomorrow.
Always tomorrow.
And tomorrow I’ll wake up and try to forget I ever typed these words.
Or thought these thoughts.
I’ll pretend like I was out of my mind…and that I’ve still got a chance.
That with a little hard work, and a few lucky breaks, things might just turn around.
That others have it so much worse than me.
That I shouldn’t feel so goddamn sorry for myself.
That life is worth it.
That love is worth it.
That hope is actually real and something and not the nothing I sometimes see it as.
That I really am sorry for this mess that I've made.
That I want to clean it up.
In other words…I’ll just keep on lying to myself like I always do.
Because that’s all I can do anymore.
Because its my only chance.