08/08/08

Today I hate everyone…especially myself. The past week or so the pressure has been getting to me. Big time. Everyone is asking a lot of me…and I’m not dealing with it well. I'm getting shit done...but with an edge. Co-workers are telling me to ‘smile more’ (which doesn’t work!)…people are asking me why I’m going ‘so fast’ and that I should ‘slow down’…I’m not laughing at everyone’s bad jokes and lame anecdotes…I guess I’m just not having enough ‘fun’ for everyone else’s liking. Which is funny to me, cause usually nobody seems to care. And even funnier still, considering some of the complaining and moaning I hear on a daily basis.

I tell them I'm just working hard...

But the person I’ve been the past few days…its not me...and I know it. Something is wrong. Its not good enough to be thought of as the jerk, even if I'm really not being a jerk, cause I know I’m better than that. Treat others how you want to be treated. That’s how I try to live my life...I'm not perfect, but I don't have to be...just good. My frustrations with my life or situation shouldn’t come out as venom directed at others…even if they happen to be the very cause of my frustrations. I've been spared once or twice when I could have easily been stomped...so its only fair I return that goodwill.

But something is crawling under my skin…scraping up against bone…and has me all bent out of shape. Just when things looked as if they were breaking my way…I find myself angry…and hungry…and tired…mentally and physically. I’m so pent up I want to punch a hole in the wall…I want rip my TV from the wall and break it just to…I don’t know why? At one point tonight I wanted to scream at the sky…but I couldn’t even summon the strength to draw in that big a breath. I just sat there on the curb…too tired to shake even though I was shaking on the inside.

Why? I don’t know. Its just one of those days I guess. Maybe '8' just isn’t my number?

Or maybe it's all those 0's...