inside out
Uneventful 5 days. Sort of how I wanted it to be, sort of how I expected it to be. But still…
All this has really done is give me some extended time to myself…and I haven’t really done anything with it. Again…that was the point, and I did need it…but, I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that I’d grab the reins a little bit and…but that is so not me…and getting all depressed and upset over money issues and using that as an excuse to ‘cut back’ and not really do anything interesting or exciting is me…so why am I here then? Sitting here documenting it? How embarrassing, right?
Trying to put it behind me I guess? Tomorrow is my last day off, but I figured I’d get a head start…you know, give myself a day to run some practice drills and do a walkthrough…before I head back to work and crank the ol’ effort meter back up to 100% after a rough couple of weeks. Its never that I don’t care…even when I say I don’t…because I do, and always will…its just that sometimes it feels like just when you’ve got something under control, under your thumb…another new problem/obstacle/idiot jumps in your way…and you’re back at square one...its hard to not let that get to you. I let it get to me. Life is square one every single day it seems. But really it isn’t, because there’s baggage. Sometimes it hits you as soon as you open your eyes, sometimes not until you're on your way to work, and sometimes you may string one or two really good days together where you almost forget…almost…before there’s another leak in the wall…and your feel like your scrambling again. Always scrambling.
Its that part I don't like. I don’t like scrambling. But I know I’ll never have control...or, I'm understanding that fact a little better at least. Control is impossible. So I need to lower my expectations, and my target, and actually shoot for something that’s attainable. If I look like I'm in control, that's half the battle sometimes. I need to stop sticking my neck out so far...and just join the mob already and fight for my piece of the carcass. I need to do this…but will I? Can I?
I honestly don't know...
All this has really done is give me some extended time to myself…and I haven’t really done anything with it. Again…that was the point, and I did need it…but, I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that I’d grab the reins a little bit and…but that is so not me…and getting all depressed and upset over money issues and using that as an excuse to ‘cut back’ and not really do anything interesting or exciting is me…so why am I here then? Sitting here documenting it? How embarrassing, right?
Trying to put it behind me I guess? Tomorrow is my last day off, but I figured I’d get a head start…you know, give myself a day to run some practice drills and do a walkthrough…before I head back to work and crank the ol’ effort meter back up to 100% after a rough couple of weeks. Its never that I don’t care…even when I say I don’t…because I do, and always will…its just that sometimes it feels like just when you’ve got something under control, under your thumb…another new problem/obstacle/idiot jumps in your way…and you’re back at square one...its hard to not let that get to you. I let it get to me. Life is square one every single day it seems. But really it isn’t, because there’s baggage. Sometimes it hits you as soon as you open your eyes, sometimes not until you're on your way to work, and sometimes you may string one or two really good days together where you almost forget…almost…before there’s another leak in the wall…and your feel like your scrambling again. Always scrambling.
Its that part I don't like. I don’t like scrambling. But I know I’ll never have control...or, I'm understanding that fact a little better at least. Control is impossible. So I need to lower my expectations, and my target, and actually shoot for something that’s attainable. If I look like I'm in control, that's half the battle sometimes. I need to stop sticking my neck out so far...and just join the mob already and fight for my piece of the carcass. I need to do this…but will I? Can I?
I honestly don't know...
posted by neil at 8:21 PM
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