resolve (?)

I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. Its all a game. A messed up game. I’m convinced this is all some cosmic joke. That after I die, they’ll play back the tape like some sort of America’s Most Painfully Funny Videos and I’ll be expected to laugh. Laugh at my misfortune. Laugh at the indignity of my inner self towards myself. Laugh at how close it all was to being so very different.

And why wasn’t it? Me. I did that.

But isn’t that the way its supposed to be? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Take control of our lives for ourselves…create our own destiny? Only mine ended up with my walking down a dark alley for 15 years before coming to a dead end. Now I’ve got to turn back? Are you kidding me? But I knew it all along. Of course I did.

And so I will have to settle. For this.