howl

I don't know what I want.  I never have.  All?  Nothing? 

I'm trying to stay positive.  Give myself hope.  But I'm 33 now.  I've already peaked.   Somewhere in  my 20's, lost and dazed, I was at my peak.  Now I'm getting weaker.  I'm smarter, but not stronger.  Of course, there's still room for me to get off my ass and get working at being better...but I've been saying that for the past 10+ years, and I honestly feel farther away from where I want to be than I did...wherever that is?

I look around at the world I live in, and the thousands of people that pass by on a weekly basis, and don't get it.  I know I'm no different than any of them...but I don't get it.  This whole 'thing'.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of everything that's going on, and I don't have a clue why its going on?  How it goes on? 

I'm just very confused about a lot of things right now.  I thought by now I'd know my role...would have found my place in this world and started to carve out a nice, peaceful life for myself.  Instead, I feel like I did when I was 15.  I know a whole lot more...but I 'feel' like I'm still 15.  Its a problem.

I want to grow up.  But I need a reason.  Going broke, losing my home...for whatever reason, that hasn't been a strong enough kick in the ass to flick that switch.

I hate to think about what it might take.  That's why I need to do this.  For myself, by myself.  Nobody can do it for me...and nobody can really help me at this point.  I'm a lone wolf lost in the woods, and I need to find my own way out.