grizzly
My horoscope said that I should smile more, and maintain a positive attitude in order to have things start falling my way. I get the whole idea that in order to have positive things happen to you, or to be ‘receptive’ to positive things, it helps to keep a positive outlook. Smiling, having a bounce in your step, being outgoing…all valid behaviours.
If only I could.
I just find it so hard to fake it…especially on the inside. Now, I’ve been accused of not smiling enough at work…usually by my fellow co-workers…but the fact is I save my ‘happy’ face for the clients…the people I have to sell…because I can only keep ‘that’ face for so long. I’m like everyone else in that its not exactly my first choice to interact with grumpy or unhappy people…and if I do happen to find myself in that space, I usually extricate myself from it pretty quickly…but I also understand that people are human, and anyone who is happy all the time…well…that’s just not normal.
I think my biggest problem is that I’m too honest. Or…I want to be. I’m a good liar, but I don’t like telling lies…I don’t like hiding behind a façade…but life forces it on me. It’s a suit of armour…castle walls…a cloak of invisibility that I use to protect the real me from the elements…and to protect everyone else from my misery.
Oh, the things I’d say if I was really given the chance. But, nobody wants to hear it. And they shouldn’t! I don’t really blame them…I keep everyone at arms length, so nobody gets to know the ‘real’ me. Which is funny, because there really isn’t anything to hide about the real me. I’ve been sharing the real me on this page for almost 5 years…and as sad, occasionally pathetic, moody and unmotivated as I come off sometimes, I’ve really got nothing to hide.
And yet I keep myself locked away. I let the unhappiness and confusion and torment boil and bubble…and eat away at my soul from the inside…keeping it inside. Nobody wants to be friends with the depressed guy. Nobody wants to listen to the deep, philosophical wet blanket go on for hours about how he can’t seem to do anything.
But it is my life. It is how I feel. I guess I'll just have to learn how to grin and bear it better...even if it kills me.
If only I could.
I just find it so hard to fake it…especially on the inside. Now, I’ve been accused of not smiling enough at work…usually by my fellow co-workers…but the fact is I save my ‘happy’ face for the clients…the people I have to sell…because I can only keep ‘that’ face for so long. I’m like everyone else in that its not exactly my first choice to interact with grumpy or unhappy people…and if I do happen to find myself in that space, I usually extricate myself from it pretty quickly…but I also understand that people are human, and anyone who is happy all the time…well…that’s just not normal.
I think my biggest problem is that I’m too honest. Or…I want to be. I’m a good liar, but I don’t like telling lies…I don’t like hiding behind a façade…but life forces it on me. It’s a suit of armour…castle walls…a cloak of invisibility that I use to protect the real me from the elements…and to protect everyone else from my misery.
Oh, the things I’d say if I was really given the chance. But, nobody wants to hear it. And they shouldn’t! I don’t really blame them…I keep everyone at arms length, so nobody gets to know the ‘real’ me. Which is funny, because there really isn’t anything to hide about the real me. I’ve been sharing the real me on this page for almost 5 years…and as sad, occasionally pathetic, moody and unmotivated as I come off sometimes, I’ve really got nothing to hide.
And yet I keep myself locked away. I let the unhappiness and confusion and torment boil and bubble…and eat away at my soul from the inside…keeping it inside. Nobody wants to be friends with the depressed guy. Nobody wants to listen to the deep, philosophical wet blanket go on for hours about how he can’t seem to do anything.
But it is my life. It is how I feel. I guess I'll just have to learn how to grin and bear it better...even if it kills me.
posted by neil at 1:29 AM
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