upright
'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.' ~ Laozi
I'm always searching for a starting point. That point in time where I can defiantly draw a line behind me and say 'no more'. This blog is littered with those instances where I've attempted to purge whatever ills are responsible for the unhappiness that is so constant in my life by verbalizing it in a way that exorcises it from me like a ghostly spirit being sucked out of my physical being. I've had some success, if growth can be defined as success...but ultimately I continue to fall victim to the same old habits and twitches that have crippled me since I learned how to feel. I'm part coward, part jealous man, part haunted little boy. I give all of myself without any designs, consciously, to be rewarded outside of feeling good. I am fascinated by people, but also repulsed and confused by them in equal measure. I don't blame them. I don't 'hate' them. I've learned that I am an outsider. A watcher. A moon in orbit around societies planet-like gravity that is pulled and repelled at the same time. Forever on the fringes, I've become a reader of people, a know-er of people, to the degree that every interaction subconsciously has me scanning for verbal and physical cues to come to some sort of conclusion as to who that person is, what they truly want, and if there is any chance I can stand them for anything longer than brief instances of contact.
The list of people I can stand is extremely short. Again, a great deal of it is me and my reluctance to engage. I avoid people because I can't turn it off. I don't like judging people. It's automatic now, and it's nearly impossible for me to turn off. I don't drink anymore, which was one of the few times when I was able to turn it off and just 'enjoy' myself and the people who inhabited the my space. As I stated in a previous post, my friendships tend to run their course after about five years. I've always thought that I was powerless, a viewer relegated to the inevitable news that another chapter was coming to a close. That I had done everything in my power to keep whatever form those friendships had taken intact, by giving of myself. Realistically, I'm probably just as responsible for the end as the other person was. Friends moving away aside, I also have used the flight mechanism I've so finely tuned to great effect too. I thought it was a way for me to avoid being hurt, but instead I've come to realize it has merely altered the type of pain I've felt...and in many cases, increased my suffering. Made it more my fault than it needed to be. I've always been a glutton for punishment. Addicted to the comfort of being sad. I spent nearly my entire teenage years and most of my twenties certain it was my destiny. My path to whatever oasis lay ahead. I was wrong.
It wasn't until I hit bottom while living in England in 2004 when I finally embraced the idea that positive thinking could result in positive living. That good things could manifest themselves from the positive thoughts I planted myself. If I just focused hard enough, and followed through, I could find whatever it is I was missing. Or, at least, it would help me find it. Negativity and anger were only crutches and walls I was shackling myself with, not the weight I would somehow get used to to make me stronger.
It has taken me another 9 years to finally come to the understanding that I am in control here. Sure, there is chaos, and the uncontrollable, but there is still a lot I do control, and it can and does have a great influence and effect on the quality of my day to day life.
So here we are.
I am currently working six, sometimes seven days a week, at two jobs I enjoy. Sure, the pay is low, and there are days I get frustrated with my lot, but ultimately, I don't hate the prospect of having to go to work. I don't fear it. It doesn't make me ill. I've had jobs that I have feared and have made me ill and I never want to feel that way again. I can control that. Part of that is having the right job(s), which I do, for me, right now. Part of that is constantly using positive reinforcement techniques to keep me mind fresh and seeing things in the right colour. That is what I can control.
I also, currently, have very strong feelings for someone of the opposite sex. The 'friend' from recent posts. Those feelings, unfortunately, sometimes overwhelm me and cause me to think and feel things that are not in the best interests of this friendship. Such as one of my recent posts about her and the other man. That post has haunted me since I wrote it. It's twisted me up inside and caused me a few sleepless nights and restless days since. Despite the chances she could have possibly read said post, I've been carrying around a yolk of guilt as if she had. I shit on our friendship in a way that was, while totally honest and how I was genuinely feeling at the time, completely opposite of how I truly feel. The thought of her and I not being friends, and not having her in my life is terrifying. To think I would throw it all away because I couldn't handle the jealousy and hurt I temporarily felt because I saw her hanging with one of her other male friends is ludicrous and beyond stupid. I know this now. I just hope that I can find a way to repair the damage, because chances are she doesn't know, consciously, what I felt, but our connection is such that I'm pretty certain she felt it subconsciously...and is at the root of the wall that seems to be between us right now. Something is off, and there is absolutely no reason, outside of 'that day', for things to be the way the feel right now. Maybe it's just me internalizing the guilt, and I'm reading way too much into a few short texts. Maybe the reason she hasn't reached out lately is because she really is really busy? I don't honestly believe that, but it's possible. What I do believe is that my bitter feelings damaged the harmony of our friendship...like a blast of loud music might wake one from a gentle slumber. It echoes. It causes you to feel unsettled and angry. You have trouble finding that same spot again because of the now agitated state you're in. That is us right now.
Again, I'm of course reading way more into it than is likely. I feel on a level most people, luckily, don't. It's a curse. I'm a hypersensitive conduit of emotions. It's kind of sad, but it's also who I am, and instead of beating myself up about it and putting myself down, I should simply accept it and find a way to harness these feelings for good.
That's what this month is about.
That's what this line in the sand being drawn right now is about.
31 days. 31 days to find a way forward. 31 days to find a way up instead of down. 31 days of positive thinking and honest energy. This is the start of it.
I am truly sorry for saying and feeling the way I did that day. It wasn't the me I want to be. It was the me I've been running away from thanks to you. I'm better because of you. I need you in my life. I give because I want to return the favour. To make you feel a hint of the positive influence you have on me. I do it because it makes me feel good, not because I expect something in return. I know I'm simply one friend in a a list of many. You are one friend in a list of very, very few. I wish it wasn't that way, but I can't let myself wish that for you. You should be free to live your life however you want to, spend time with whoever you want to, and still trust that I'll be there as a friend whenever you need me. Whenever that is. If I have to do all the heavy lifting alone for a while, so be it. I deserve it. I can handle it. The times you've lifted me are honestly innumerable. There is no price, in time or money or love that I can put on how you've helped me. You may never read this, but it's the thought that truly matters. It's how I feel. It's how I should feel.
I'm determined to make this the best month I've had in 20 years. It's possible. The bar isn't set all that high. I have the power. I know it. I'm capable. I've failed a thousand times before, but I don't feel burdened by those failures right now. I feel strengthened. Finally. What will be, will be.
I'm always searching for a starting point. That point in time where I can defiantly draw a line behind me and say 'no more'. This blog is littered with those instances where I've attempted to purge whatever ills are responsible for the unhappiness that is so constant in my life by verbalizing it in a way that exorcises it from me like a ghostly spirit being sucked out of my physical being. I've had some success, if growth can be defined as success...but ultimately I continue to fall victim to the same old habits and twitches that have crippled me since I learned how to feel. I'm part coward, part jealous man, part haunted little boy. I give all of myself without any designs, consciously, to be rewarded outside of feeling good. I am fascinated by people, but also repulsed and confused by them in equal measure. I don't blame them. I don't 'hate' them. I've learned that I am an outsider. A watcher. A moon in orbit around societies planet-like gravity that is pulled and repelled at the same time. Forever on the fringes, I've become a reader of people, a know-er of people, to the degree that every interaction subconsciously has me scanning for verbal and physical cues to come to some sort of conclusion as to who that person is, what they truly want, and if there is any chance I can stand them for anything longer than brief instances of contact.
The list of people I can stand is extremely short. Again, a great deal of it is me and my reluctance to engage. I avoid people because I can't turn it off. I don't like judging people. It's automatic now, and it's nearly impossible for me to turn off. I don't drink anymore, which was one of the few times when I was able to turn it off and just 'enjoy' myself and the people who inhabited the my space. As I stated in a previous post, my friendships tend to run their course after about five years. I've always thought that I was powerless, a viewer relegated to the inevitable news that another chapter was coming to a close. That I had done everything in my power to keep whatever form those friendships had taken intact, by giving of myself. Realistically, I'm probably just as responsible for the end as the other person was. Friends moving away aside, I also have used the flight mechanism I've so finely tuned to great effect too. I thought it was a way for me to avoid being hurt, but instead I've come to realize it has merely altered the type of pain I've felt...and in many cases, increased my suffering. Made it more my fault than it needed to be. I've always been a glutton for punishment. Addicted to the comfort of being sad. I spent nearly my entire teenage years and most of my twenties certain it was my destiny. My path to whatever oasis lay ahead. I was wrong.
It wasn't until I hit bottom while living in England in 2004 when I finally embraced the idea that positive thinking could result in positive living. That good things could manifest themselves from the positive thoughts I planted myself. If I just focused hard enough, and followed through, I could find whatever it is I was missing. Or, at least, it would help me find it. Negativity and anger were only crutches and walls I was shackling myself with, not the weight I would somehow get used to to make me stronger.
It has taken me another 9 years to finally come to the understanding that I am in control here. Sure, there is chaos, and the uncontrollable, but there is still a lot I do control, and it can and does have a great influence and effect on the quality of my day to day life.
So here we are.
I am currently working six, sometimes seven days a week, at two jobs I enjoy. Sure, the pay is low, and there are days I get frustrated with my lot, but ultimately, I don't hate the prospect of having to go to work. I don't fear it. It doesn't make me ill. I've had jobs that I have feared and have made me ill and I never want to feel that way again. I can control that. Part of that is having the right job(s), which I do, for me, right now. Part of that is constantly using positive reinforcement techniques to keep me mind fresh and seeing things in the right colour. That is what I can control.
I also, currently, have very strong feelings for someone of the opposite sex. The 'friend' from recent posts. Those feelings, unfortunately, sometimes overwhelm me and cause me to think and feel things that are not in the best interests of this friendship. Such as one of my recent posts about her and the other man. That post has haunted me since I wrote it. It's twisted me up inside and caused me a few sleepless nights and restless days since. Despite the chances she could have possibly read said post, I've been carrying around a yolk of guilt as if she had. I shit on our friendship in a way that was, while totally honest and how I was genuinely feeling at the time, completely opposite of how I truly feel. The thought of her and I not being friends, and not having her in my life is terrifying. To think I would throw it all away because I couldn't handle the jealousy and hurt I temporarily felt because I saw her hanging with one of her other male friends is ludicrous and beyond stupid. I know this now. I just hope that I can find a way to repair the damage, because chances are she doesn't know, consciously, what I felt, but our connection is such that I'm pretty certain she felt it subconsciously...and is at the root of the wall that seems to be between us right now. Something is off, and there is absolutely no reason, outside of 'that day', for things to be the way the feel right now. Maybe it's just me internalizing the guilt, and I'm reading way too much into a few short texts. Maybe the reason she hasn't reached out lately is because she really is really busy? I don't honestly believe that, but it's possible. What I do believe is that my bitter feelings damaged the harmony of our friendship...like a blast of loud music might wake one from a gentle slumber. It echoes. It causes you to feel unsettled and angry. You have trouble finding that same spot again because of the now agitated state you're in. That is us right now.
Again, I'm of course reading way more into it than is likely. I feel on a level most people, luckily, don't. It's a curse. I'm a hypersensitive conduit of emotions. It's kind of sad, but it's also who I am, and instead of beating myself up about it and putting myself down, I should simply accept it and find a way to harness these feelings for good.
That's what this month is about.
That's what this line in the sand being drawn right now is about.
31 days. 31 days to find a way forward. 31 days to find a way up instead of down. 31 days of positive thinking and honest energy. This is the start of it.
I am truly sorry for saying and feeling the way I did that day. It wasn't the me I want to be. It was the me I've been running away from thanks to you. I'm better because of you. I need you in my life. I give because I want to return the favour. To make you feel a hint of the positive influence you have on me. I do it because it makes me feel good, not because I expect something in return. I know I'm simply one friend in a a list of many. You are one friend in a list of very, very few. I wish it wasn't that way, but I can't let myself wish that for you. You should be free to live your life however you want to, spend time with whoever you want to, and still trust that I'll be there as a friend whenever you need me. Whenever that is. If I have to do all the heavy lifting alone for a while, so be it. I deserve it. I can handle it. The times you've lifted me are honestly innumerable. There is no price, in time or money or love that I can put on how you've helped me. You may never read this, but it's the thought that truly matters. It's how I feel. It's how I should feel.
I'm determined to make this the best month I've had in 20 years. It's possible. The bar isn't set all that high. I have the power. I know it. I'm capable. I've failed a thousand times before, but I don't feel burdened by those failures right now. I feel strengthened. Finally. What will be, will be.
posted by neil at 5:26 AM
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