respite
It's been a crazy couple of weeks. It feels like all I've done is work and sleep...with brief intermissions filled with games of FIFA Soccer and reading my weekly haul of comic books. I've been doing a lot of soul searching as well...which isn't anything new if you've read even a months worth of my blog posts...but the violent, drastic mood swings and hair-trigger like reactions to even the slightest stimuli was replaced with a more calm, collected and cerebral appraoch to things. That's not to say I haven't had a few sleepless nights and worn a track in the carpet with all my pacing back and forth, but it's been better. I've been better.
If anything, I'm letting go. As much as I want to have more control over the things and people that matter to me in life, I don't. And any attempt to gain the type of control I crave...or craved...would result in more of the same misery and hair pulling I've suffered through for what seems like an eternity. No, what seems to be working is taking things day by day, keeping my feelings closer to the vest, and not letting every little ripple turn into a tidal wave. On the job front, things are going well. There have been a few changes at one job, some of which I'm not too thrilled with, but it is what it is. I'm not the boss, so I'll just live with the changes and keep doing what I do and if that ends up being not good enough, I'll know it's time to move on...or at the very least, scale back my commitment to the place. My other job seems to be going quite well. I'm in line for a promotion after only a few months on the job, and it seems management has me pegged for big things in the future. Big being relative of course, but still, it's nice to feel wanted and appreciated, and the tiny increase in pay won't hurt either.
As far as my relationship goes with she who shall not be named, well...I feel like I'm losing...if I haven't already lost...but I'm learning to live with the fact that being friends will just have to do. No more daydreaming of what could be...I know where I'm slotted on the totem pole...and it ain't at the top. We're still close, and I still find myself bending over backwards to help whenever and wherever I can...doing things for her that are mostly reserved for 'the boyfriend' in a typical relationship...but it's the role I've carved out for myself and to pull back or rebel now would be strictly a bitter reaction to not getting what I really wanted...and I'm not that guy. Who knows, maybe the new guy is as great as she makes him out to be?
I also recently inherited a little bit of money from a distant relative...nothing epic, but significant enough that it's taken a bit of pressure off me. Working two jobs and earning two pay cheques has also helped, but having this cushion in the bank for a change is a nice change. I'm loath to spend any of it after the last couple of years of savage poverty I've endured...but for the first time in ages I grabbed what I wanted at the grocery store, and ventured into a shop I hadn't stepped foot in in years and bought a coat that ordinarily would have been deemed 'too rich' for my budget. My rational being that now I'll have something to remember him by (the coat) and the extra $50-60 I spent was worth it. Plus, I'll most definitely get my money's worth out of this thing...it fits like a glove (which is a huge issue for me) and with winter just around the corner, it'll get plenty of hours on my back. Plus, I just like it.
I'm not going to let my guard down, because anything can happen tomorrow...and I'm still not sure I'm totally OK with everything that is happening around me...but I am in a better place than I was only a few short weeks ago.
If anything, I'm letting go. As much as I want to have more control over the things and people that matter to me in life, I don't. And any attempt to gain the type of control I crave...or craved...would result in more of the same misery and hair pulling I've suffered through for what seems like an eternity. No, what seems to be working is taking things day by day, keeping my feelings closer to the vest, and not letting every little ripple turn into a tidal wave. On the job front, things are going well. There have been a few changes at one job, some of which I'm not too thrilled with, but it is what it is. I'm not the boss, so I'll just live with the changes and keep doing what I do and if that ends up being not good enough, I'll know it's time to move on...or at the very least, scale back my commitment to the place. My other job seems to be going quite well. I'm in line for a promotion after only a few months on the job, and it seems management has me pegged for big things in the future. Big being relative of course, but still, it's nice to feel wanted and appreciated, and the tiny increase in pay won't hurt either.
As far as my relationship goes with she who shall not be named, well...I feel like I'm losing...if I haven't already lost...but I'm learning to live with the fact that being friends will just have to do. No more daydreaming of what could be...I know where I'm slotted on the totem pole...and it ain't at the top. We're still close, and I still find myself bending over backwards to help whenever and wherever I can...doing things for her that are mostly reserved for 'the boyfriend' in a typical relationship...but it's the role I've carved out for myself and to pull back or rebel now would be strictly a bitter reaction to not getting what I really wanted...and I'm not that guy. Who knows, maybe the new guy is as great as she makes him out to be?
I also recently inherited a little bit of money from a distant relative...nothing epic, but significant enough that it's taken a bit of pressure off me. Working two jobs and earning two pay cheques has also helped, but having this cushion in the bank for a change is a nice change. I'm loath to spend any of it after the last couple of years of savage poverty I've endured...but for the first time in ages I grabbed what I wanted at the grocery store, and ventured into a shop I hadn't stepped foot in in years and bought a coat that ordinarily would have been deemed 'too rich' for my budget. My rational being that now I'll have something to remember him by (the coat) and the extra $50-60 I spent was worth it. Plus, I'll most definitely get my money's worth out of this thing...it fits like a glove (which is a huge issue for me) and with winter just around the corner, it'll get plenty of hours on my back. Plus, I just like it.
I'm not going to let my guard down, because anything can happen tomorrow...and I'm still not sure I'm totally OK with everything that is happening around me...but I am in a better place than I was only a few short weeks ago.
posted by neil at 11:53 PM
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