familiar seat

Today was nice.  Today was odd.  It kind of felt like a dream, like it wasn't real.  Seeing someone who you saw all the time, and grew to care about, after not seeing them for months...something was different this time.  The air around us was just different.  We were the same, I think.  Mostly.  Well, she's actually changed quite a bit to be honest, but not in fundamental personality ways, but ideological, moving-forward ways.  It was refreshing, but also a little concerning...only because the catalyst for these kinds of changes is usually some sort of awakening triggered by something negative.  I guess I'm just hoping the negative was minor.

It was a good day though, overall.  Reconnecting wasn't as awkward or as difficult as I had imagined.  Again, it was mostly in my head.

As for what this all means?  Nothing really.  I don't have the will, strength, or right to look into this further.  What will be will be.  I need to learn, in this particular relationship, that there is no controlling it, steering it in a desired direction.   It flies in the face of what it is you've always liked (among many things) about her...her free spirit.  There's still a strong sting, and a hopeful spot in my heart, but otherwise, I was pleased with how I felt around her today...and mostly pleased with how I acted.  If not for other appointments, we could have easily carried on for another 4 or 5 hours, just like old times.  It was probably better that didn't happen, for my sake mostly.

I don't think I will ever get over her.  But I think I may be able to harness that in such a way that it fuels and feeds our friendship.  She makes me a better person, and truly is one of the only people I actually enjoy talking to.  That's enough reason.