High On Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even me
(I am a night owl like no other)
The stocking was hung by the chimney with care,
In the hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there
(I’m not kidding, I'm usually up at this hour…I'm crazy!)
I was nestled snug inside my big, warm bed
With wicked hallucinations dancing in my head
(mushrooms on Christmas Eve was a bad idea)
When out on the lawn, there arose such a rattle
And I thought to myself, ‘what’s a battle?’
(I love Ralph Wiggum)

Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and brought with me my stash
I looked around, and saw nothing indeed…
“Hey man, stay a while, I’ve got some weed!”
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer
“Woah…this is some really good shit…”
I said to myself...I was tremendously lit
There was an little old driver, so lively and round
I knew in a moment just who I had found

More rapid than crackheads at the sight of a pipe
He whistled for his sled team with all of his might
Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the wall, and over the grass
“And Blitzen, stop sniffing poor Dasher’s ass!”
So up to the house top the reindeer did fly
With a sleigh full of toys, and scared shitless old guy

When I went to take a whiz, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof
So I zipped up my fly, and was turning around,
When down the chimney St. Nick came with a bound
He was dressed all in fur, from his hat to his boot,
The fucking old man was a murderous old coot
A bundle of toys were flung on his back
But I couldn’t get over the clothes on his back
“Dude, don’t you know that fur isn’t cool?”
“Fuck you man, this hide’s from a rotting dead mule!”
His eyes how they twinkled and sparkled and shone,
‘Yup, dudes on crack…better leave him alone!”
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a bow
“You wouldn’t happen to have any blow?”
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
As the crack smoke encircled his head like a wreath

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf
I nearly shit my pants in spite of myself
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head
‘Oh shit, he’s possessed…I’m fucking dead!”
He spoke not another word, went straight to his work,
Filled up my stocking, and turned with a jerk
‘Alright Mr. Neil, you’ve been a miserable git…
You need to lighten up, or your life will be shit
I left you a present that I think you can use,
To improve your self worth, and the life that you choose.”
And with that he laughed a full belly chuckle,
Adjusted his hat, and tightened his buckle
He flashed me a grin, and got onto his knee
Before charging back up that dirty old chimney

I wondered for a second just what he had left me
What in the world could possibly help me?
I looked inside, and a smile crossed my soul
That old motherfucker had left me some coal
“Oh Santa, oh Santa, the joke is on me,
You’re one funny fucker, that I can see"
“Hahaha, he laughed, the look on your face was out of sight
Merry Christmas you hoser, and to you a good-night”