the next day
That whole ‘1 Day’ shit was just a load of Thanksgiving Day wishful thinking. I really do make myself sick sometimes. Originally it was my intention to make a list of all the things I am thankful for…but I got stuck after ‘my family’…so I thought why not list all the things I want to improve/change about myself. Yeah…like that wasn’t a bad idea waiting to happen!
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my friend J said to me the other day, about re-inventing myself. I mean, he’s right…I really don’t have anything left to lose anymore…just myself. And that’s where I get stuck.
Because despite all my faults, and my incessant bitching…yes, I moan and mope a lot…somewhere inside this painfully thin body of mine is a good person, a good heart, and a good soul. There’s a reason why I haven’t given up on myself yet, when maybe I should have. I chose this path for a reason…because of something I felt a long time ago…I’ve just never figured out what it was. I’ve been lucky to meet a few people along the way who have instilled a sense of hope in me. These people (guys and girls…good friends and casual acquaintances) have reminded me that we all struggle…some more than others…and we all have doubts and fears and problems that we can’t seem to find the answers for. They’ve shown me that despite the unknown, you’ve just got to keep trying…and if it doesn’t work…try harder! They embrace the things that make life worth living for them…they go after their dreams with passion and dedication…trying to make the best of the situation they find themselves in. I have a lot of respect for these people.
My biggest problem is that I don’t know what I want. My dreams are all dark and foggy. Many of my friends from High School and University all had a pretty good idea about what they wanted out of life. Some wanted to start a family. Others wanted to make lots of money. Others wanted to travel. And sure enough, 6…7…10 years later, many of them are living the lives they always envisioned for themselves…or at the very least, lives that closely resemble the lives they envisioned. Friends like J, who, all those years ago was clearly on a path to fatherhood and stability. It may not have seemed like it at the time…but I saw it…and I’m sure he felt it. Sure…its taken a lot of hard work and sacrifice to get where he is today…but he had a clear vision of what he wanted…and was lucky (?) enough to meet someone so amazing that that vision got clearer and clearer…until, one day, years later, he’s married to an amazing woman, has a good job and is taking care of his newborn baby in the house he owns. As confused and scared and unsure as we both were back then, he always carried that hope with him in his back pocket. Me…I’ve struggled my entire adult life trying to find out what it is I want. I haven’t had that carrot dangling in front of my face. And whenever I do find something worth fighting for…it ends up being a mistake…or ends up with me making a mistake.
Maybe I am nothing more than a drifter…a dreamer…destined to float through life…never really knowing what it is to be happy? Maybe I really do need to wipe the slate completely clean?
But can I?
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my friend J said to me the other day, about re-inventing myself. I mean, he’s right…I really don’t have anything left to lose anymore…just myself. And that’s where I get stuck.
Because despite all my faults, and my incessant bitching…yes, I moan and mope a lot…somewhere inside this painfully thin body of mine is a good person, a good heart, and a good soul. There’s a reason why I haven’t given up on myself yet, when maybe I should have. I chose this path for a reason…because of something I felt a long time ago…I’ve just never figured out what it was. I’ve been lucky to meet a few people along the way who have instilled a sense of hope in me. These people (guys and girls…good friends and casual acquaintances) have reminded me that we all struggle…some more than others…and we all have doubts and fears and problems that we can’t seem to find the answers for. They’ve shown me that despite the unknown, you’ve just got to keep trying…and if it doesn’t work…try harder! They embrace the things that make life worth living for them…they go after their dreams with passion and dedication…trying to make the best of the situation they find themselves in. I have a lot of respect for these people.
My biggest problem is that I don’t know what I want. My dreams are all dark and foggy. Many of my friends from High School and University all had a pretty good idea about what they wanted out of life. Some wanted to start a family. Others wanted to make lots of money. Others wanted to travel. And sure enough, 6…7…10 years later, many of them are living the lives they always envisioned for themselves…or at the very least, lives that closely resemble the lives they envisioned. Friends like J, who, all those years ago was clearly on a path to fatherhood and stability. It may not have seemed like it at the time…but I saw it…and I’m sure he felt it. Sure…its taken a lot of hard work and sacrifice to get where he is today…but he had a clear vision of what he wanted…and was lucky (?) enough to meet someone so amazing that that vision got clearer and clearer…until, one day, years later, he’s married to an amazing woman, has a good job and is taking care of his newborn baby in the house he owns. As confused and scared and unsure as we both were back then, he always carried that hope with him in his back pocket. Me…I’ve struggled my entire adult life trying to find out what it is I want. I haven’t had that carrot dangling in front of my face. And whenever I do find something worth fighting for…it ends up being a mistake…or ends up with me making a mistake.
Maybe I am nothing more than a drifter…a dreamer…destined to float through life…never really knowing what it is to be happy? Maybe I really do need to wipe the slate completely clean?
But can I?
posted by neil at 4:26 PM
2 Comments:
Thanks for the props Neil. I don't live a charmed life, in the least. M-E and I worked our effing a's off to make our relationship work. She and I spent money we didn't have on train tickets and phone bills for 4 years before she found a way to bring us closer (the job in Windsor). Same goes with my job, my house etc. A lot of the hard work is hidden behind my happiness, but it's there.
I don't think you're working to your potential Neil. You're a really bright guy. I remember our conversations. I think you could easily completely reinvent yourself if you had a plausible goal instead of a vague dream or vision of the future.
Advice from others should always be swallowed with a grain of salt, but how hard would it really be to take some night courses in something that a) you're really interested in and b) will pay you more money than you're making and c) possibly introduce you to a new crowd of like-minded people.
Your life is going by dude, and the old-man Neil, the you 45 years from now, is shaking his fist at you and shouting "Carpe Diem!"
Baby steps, my brother. Baby. Steps.
Trust me, I understand how hard you and M-E worked to make it work. I saw some of it first hand...or heard about it...and I'm not saying your living some fairy tale life...but you've done really well for yourself and you have reason to be very proud. You put your mind to it and, in many ways, you won. I don't doubt at all that you've had some really dark moments over the past 6-7 years...and that some days are a real struggle...but considering we were in pretty much the same boat 7 years ago...
I really do apreciate the advice and gentle nudging. I've just got some growing up to do still. I'm trying...but young-man Neil is a stubborn ass sometimes.
Cheers bro.
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