evaporate
Not sleeping…not eating…hemorrhaging money like some sickly patient in an American hospital…writing pages of ridiculously sad/bad poetry and lots and lots of pacing back and forth. Cursing my car for continually giving me problems (now it's the wiper blades that don't fucking work!), my job for not paying me enough and me for taking it.
Said goodbye to another friend this week. Dropping like flies. She's off to work on a cruise ship for the next 12 months. We were just starting to get tight…sharing a mutual interest (film, writing) and helping each other through some cloudy days…and then 'poof'…she's gone. All better. Not that its really that big a deal, because I'm happy she's getting her shit together and I always felt it was only going to be friends, but it just proves that all that interior monologue about how everyone I ever give a shit about leaves is right on the mark. Like fucking clockwork. Why I even bother talking to other people is beyond me?
Sometimes I swear I'm invisible and I speak an alien language. Have you ever been in the middle of a 3 or 4 person conversation and feel like nobody is hearing anything you are saying. That happens to me all the time. Is it my voice…or the words I choose? Do I really have nothing to say? Sometimes it seems that way.
Some psychic lady the other day told me I had a really amazing aura and that it was green. She just told me…no prompting. Apparently it means I'm a 'healer'…now that's fucking rich. Another cosmic joke on me. If only I could use my 'powers' on myself. Sure, I'm good with other people's problems…always have been…sometimes I wish I didn't care as much as I do…but when it comes to helping myself, I'm Mr. Butterfingers.
I know…I don't get it either.
Maybe its because, deep down, I don't like myself…and therefore have no real desire to see me get better? I've suspected as much for a while, but always believed that, alone with myself, I am happy with the person I am. But as a man I fall short. And as a member of this blob called society I fall short. As a friend I fall short. I bitch and moan about how shitty I feel, how life keeps sticking it to me…but really, subconsciously I think I seek it out…and embrace it...or feel its deserved…the pain…constantly punishing myself for some unknown violation. It also explains why I can't make friends...they see right through me. And the few friends I do have...they learn (or are forced) to keep their distance. Like…the next town over type distance. Its for their own good. I used to think it was me who stayed away from them…that I needed my own space to be me…but experience has got me thinking that I choose to be alone because I know, ultimately, that's how I'll end up. Something wrong radiates from me. Really bad radio waves or something that cause people to just stand up and walk away without even realizing what they're doing. Maybe green's not my colour?
At this point, all I can do is plug my finger in the hole and hope the whole dam doesn't burst and wash me away. I've said that before…many, many times…but I don't think I've ever meant it as much as I do right now. I am slowly entering 'past the point of no return' territory…and slowly descending into 'needs a fucking miracle' territory and its both terrifying and a relief. Its so fucking scary I can't sleep. A recurring nightmare I can't wake up from. But at least it feels real.
So why do I even bother sharing this garbage. I ask myself this question constantly. Why do I write? What is it that makes me think that some line/sentence/paragraph is all of a sudden going to break the chains and lift me onto another level?
I want somebody to understand because I don't think I ever will. If I never meet you, or never know you, at least someone will see the scrambled mess of frayed wires and spit and make sense of it. It doesn't make me feel better…doesn't change a single thing in my life…but for some reason, I just have to try. I wake up every morning sicker than the last. Ultimately something distracts me long enough to get through the day, but as the sun rises on another, I feel like I am getting closer to the end than the beginning. I didn't used to feel that way. Even in my darkest, most pessimistic hours, I always held onto the hope that things would get better…that light, however faint, was always 'somewhere'…even if I couldn't see it…that someday it would 'click' and I'd shed this skin and start fresh. But as the months and years drift by, the water left in the cup continues to evaporate…and I'm still me.
Wanting to meet like-minded people is great and all…but what if you hate yourself? If it weren't so pathetic, it might actually be funny. The irony. Me…seeking my own path…only to find it…and realize there's nobody there. Well duh. And the few people I do encounter seem to have no interest in hanging around because, like me, they're on their own journey…off in their own world. We pass like zombies. We see each other…but we don't really see each other. And then they're gone.
But this zombie still feels…barely…occasionally…but deeply…and that's what hurts.
I just don't understand. Any of it.
Said goodbye to another friend this week. Dropping like flies. She's off to work on a cruise ship for the next 12 months. We were just starting to get tight…sharing a mutual interest (film, writing) and helping each other through some cloudy days…and then 'poof'…she's gone. All better. Not that its really that big a deal, because I'm happy she's getting her shit together and I always felt it was only going to be friends, but it just proves that all that interior monologue about how everyone I ever give a shit about leaves is right on the mark. Like fucking clockwork. Why I even bother talking to other people is beyond me?
Sometimes I swear I'm invisible and I speak an alien language. Have you ever been in the middle of a 3 or 4 person conversation and feel like nobody is hearing anything you are saying. That happens to me all the time. Is it my voice…or the words I choose? Do I really have nothing to say? Sometimes it seems that way.
Some psychic lady the other day told me I had a really amazing aura and that it was green. She just told me…no prompting. Apparently it means I'm a 'healer'…now that's fucking rich. Another cosmic joke on me. If only I could use my 'powers' on myself. Sure, I'm good with other people's problems…always have been…sometimes I wish I didn't care as much as I do…but when it comes to helping myself, I'm Mr. Butterfingers.
I know…I don't get it either.
Maybe its because, deep down, I don't like myself…and therefore have no real desire to see me get better? I've suspected as much for a while, but always believed that, alone with myself, I am happy with the person I am. But as a man I fall short. And as a member of this blob called society I fall short. As a friend I fall short. I bitch and moan about how shitty I feel, how life keeps sticking it to me…but really, subconsciously I think I seek it out…and embrace it...or feel its deserved…the pain…constantly punishing myself for some unknown violation. It also explains why I can't make friends...they see right through me. And the few friends I do have...they learn (or are forced) to keep their distance. Like…the next town over type distance. Its for their own good. I used to think it was me who stayed away from them…that I needed my own space to be me…but experience has got me thinking that I choose to be alone because I know, ultimately, that's how I'll end up. Something wrong radiates from me. Really bad radio waves or something that cause people to just stand up and walk away without even realizing what they're doing. Maybe green's not my colour?
At this point, all I can do is plug my finger in the hole and hope the whole dam doesn't burst and wash me away. I've said that before…many, many times…but I don't think I've ever meant it as much as I do right now. I am slowly entering 'past the point of no return' territory…and slowly descending into 'needs a fucking miracle' territory and its both terrifying and a relief. Its so fucking scary I can't sleep. A recurring nightmare I can't wake up from. But at least it feels real.
So why do I even bother sharing this garbage. I ask myself this question constantly. Why do I write? What is it that makes me think that some line/sentence/paragraph is all of a sudden going to break the chains and lift me onto another level?
I want somebody to understand because I don't think I ever will. If I never meet you, or never know you, at least someone will see the scrambled mess of frayed wires and spit and make sense of it. It doesn't make me feel better…doesn't change a single thing in my life…but for some reason, I just have to try. I wake up every morning sicker than the last. Ultimately something distracts me long enough to get through the day, but as the sun rises on another, I feel like I am getting closer to the end than the beginning. I didn't used to feel that way. Even in my darkest, most pessimistic hours, I always held onto the hope that things would get better…that light, however faint, was always 'somewhere'…even if I couldn't see it…that someday it would 'click' and I'd shed this skin and start fresh. But as the months and years drift by, the water left in the cup continues to evaporate…and I'm still me.
Wanting to meet like-minded people is great and all…but what if you hate yourself? If it weren't so pathetic, it might actually be funny. The irony. Me…seeking my own path…only to find it…and realize there's nobody there. Well duh. And the few people I do encounter seem to have no interest in hanging around because, like me, they're on their own journey…off in their own world. We pass like zombies. We see each other…but we don't really see each other. And then they're gone.
But this zombie still feels…barely…occasionally…but deeply…and that's what hurts.
I just don't understand. Any of it.
posted by neil at 4:26 PM
6 Comments:
write, walk, breathe.
write, walk, breathe,
heal: you can and will.
walk where you are needed
volunteer to clean poo at the zoo!!!
I've said it before Neil, and I'll keep saying it ... knowing what the problem is is the first step to fixing the problem. If you feel like your life is shit, what's wrong with reinventing it? I don't get how you feel like there are no options out there. There are millions of options, especially when you have nothing to lose anymore.
My real advice: you need a new job, one that pays you what you are worth. Take some online courses, enroll in night school... you're a smart guy, is your job a reflection of that?
Bottom line man, you'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be 40. You get ONE shot at it. Set a fucking realistic goal, and meet it. You're not a victim Neil, if you stop believing you are.
anon...thanks.
J...bro, I know what you're saying. And thank you.
I'm a victim of myself...nobody else is responsible...I know this. Its up to me...and that's the part that worries me the most.
You're going through a dark night, and it's okay to wallow a little. People try to "get over" things a little too quickly sometimes, but maybe you need to delve a little deeper into your darkness. It does provide illumination, believe it or not. But hating yourself (and we've all been there) is not a productive space to stay for too long.
It may seem cliche, but I recommend some good talk therapy. Since you Canucks have a decent medical system, put yourself in the loop to talk to someone--to help your find your way through that dark night. I'm living proof that it works; you shoulda seen me a couple of years ago.
You never know--maybe you will find out you're a healer--perhaps that's one of the things you have to offer the world and you're fighting it. I only say this because I've gone this very thing myself, and it was a hard thing to accept.
Head up, my friend. Take your time, but take care of yourself, too.
Thanks x...those are some really nice words. I probably should talk to someone...I think I'm just scared of what I'll find out...
That's half of it...discovering and embracing those "ugly" parts of ourselves. Soon, they'll not become so ugly anymore, and more like those pets we have that are a little scramble-brained, but we end up loving just a little bit more, because of it.
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