by association

I'm gutted.  On two fronts.  I kept a brave face through most of it, but I was, and still am gutted.  I'm being played.  I don't know what the game is, but I know I'm the ball.  Or maybe just a piece of equipment, to be added or removed as needed?  Either way, I'm not a player.  I thought I was.  I thought I was something more than a sounding board.  I'm not.  I'm a means to an end.  I feel unimportant right now.  I feel rejected.  I feel small.  I feel guilty.

Where I go from here...I have no idea.  But I can't face this again.  Its not meant to be.  I need to move on.  I need to forget.

But if I do that, I'm the bad guy.  I'm too sensitive.  To selfish.  And they'd be right.  But that doesn't make it any easier to take.  To watch the movie play out right in front on you...you know where this is going...and its not going to be good for you...but its your life, and there's no escape.  There is no running away.  There is no turning your back.

I should be bigger than this.  I should have known.  I should have given up 2 years ago and let it be.  None of this would have happened, and I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like a criminal.  But I couldn't.

Now I'm right back where I was 12 months ago...literally right back where I started.  Only now the debt is bigger, my hope is smaller, and my bubble has now finally been burst.

I'm just a friend...and even that's pushing it.