swim

I had it going there for a while.  I really did.  And then I slipped.  And slipped again.

Yesterday was a good day, full of promise and positive feelings.  Then I got lazy and fell into routine.  Despite my best efforts.  I really am torn in half over letting go.  That half that still wants to stick themselves in the sand knows full well its not going to be able to do that much longer.  Circumstance has placed me squarely in the path of change, and if I don't take advantage...if I let this chance pass by while I stare at the ground...maybe I need to really fuck something up before I'll admit defeat and move on from this aimless quest?  I'm not unhappy for having made the trek...and ultimately what I've learned will, hopefully, prove useful in the future...but I just can't seem to find the right balance to allow myself to wander around life like a drifter who doesn't drift.  Detached but present.  Passionate but calm.

I'm a pretty tough guy.  I may not look it, but I am.  But I wish I was tougher emotionally.  I wish I had that thing that used to push me on when I didn't want to.  I wish I didn't want to as much as I do.  My better self peaked through yesterday for a brief moment.  I like that guy.  But he's not happy either and he knows it.

This is normally where the whirlpool really grabs hold and I go down, down, down.

Not this year.