break in the clouds

Here I was, all ready to blog about whatever came to mind...and I've got nothing.  The hope was that I'd talk about the reason why I'm feeling good today, and avoid yet another misery laced post about life as myself.  But I can't seem to figure out a reason for why I'm feeling as fresh as I am today.  I'm still barely keeping my head above water financially.  Things at work seem to be getting more awkward, and regressing instead of progressing.  I've got issues with my car, and although it seems as if the problems on the home front that I've been cataloging have been temporarily solved, I'm using the word 'temporarily' instead of 'permanently'.  The bullies in the next building moved out the other day, and I've been told that the new tenants in our building will be dealt with one way or another...so things are definitely looking up.  But after the couple of months I've had, to go along with my continuing struggles on the job front, things aren't exactly coming up roses.  But I'll take what I can get at this point, and maybe this ray of sunshine that has finally shone down on me has encouraged me enough to cause the black clouds that seem to float overhead to dissipate...if only for today.

I want to be a positive person.  I don't enjoy wallowing.  I think at one point in my life, I embraced the comfort of being miserable, the familiarity of it...the cache I felt it brought.  It made me authentic, in a way, I suppose.  The great artists I've admired have all wrestled with their own version of despair, and the fact that my life was miserable too made me feel a kinship to them.  Legitimized me.  However, after all these years, I really don't have anything to show for all that misery.  I haven't produced any profound works, and while my perspective and poetry has certainly been defined by my moods and experiences, I can't say its resulted in much in the way of positives.  

I'm happy with me, even if I often don't like what I'm doing or thinking.  I've not made the most of my talents and opportunities  and I've made some pretty poor life decisions over the years which have put me in the spot I am now.  But there is hope, albeit small and fleeting.  I guess I've got to do what I can to continue to knock on those doors and shut out as much negativity as I can.  Its a constant battle of wits with myself...my dark self having a lot more experience playing the game than the positive, light me.  

I just have to try harder.