no going back
That's it.
The turmoil and heartache has finally reached it's inevitable climax...signals have been read, insinuations delivered, and closure found. The new boy won. Not that I'm surprised, but the way it all went down...her using my own words that I used to describe how I feel about her to describe how she feels about him was the icing on the cake. The final nail in my proverbial coffin. Lately, he's all she's been talking about. Thankfully, he seems to be trying to hold himself to the standard I've set and is now taking on all of the former duties I was generously volunteering for. Between food and gas and miscellaneous I'll save a small fortune...not to mention the time commitment. I'm sure I'll still be called upon when the new guy is unavailable for whatever reason...but my desire to be there for her no matter what has already faded considerably. Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I'm jealous. But it's not a white hot rage or a complete rejection of our friendship I'm feeling...more just a shrug of the shoulders and the words 'it is what it is' repeating over and over in my head. I'll get over her. Working together won't make it easy, but to be honest, I'm intrigued by the challenge. We can be friends and colleague, but that special 'bond' that we shared...that I spent so much energy cultivating...is no longer my concern. I'll treat her like everyone else. No better, no worse. We'll share a laugh, I'll engage her in conversations about the things she likes to discuss...but that bond that I've felt that's tied me to her needs to be broken, and I'm committed to doing it. It's not spite, or anger...I'm doing it to save myself the pain I inflict on myself when I get shunted to the side. The other person has their life to get on with, and all the power to her, but I've got mine too...and in order for me to pick up my broken heart and move on, this is what I need to do.
And it is broken. Not as bad as it's been in the past...maybe because I've had time to see the train coming for a while...but that empty feeling I have isn't because I'm hungry.
Hopefully this is the last I write on the matter. It may not be, but I'm feeling somewhat at peace with the severed chord dangling off my body...like it's about time I did it, and it'll only get better from here on out.
I do hope the new guy cares about her as much as I do, and treats her as well as I did. If so, I really don't have anything to be upset with her about. Attraction is a two way street, and unfortunately for me, she never saw what I saw. It is what it is.
The turmoil and heartache has finally reached it's inevitable climax...signals have been read, insinuations delivered, and closure found. The new boy won. Not that I'm surprised, but the way it all went down...her using my own words that I used to describe how I feel about her to describe how she feels about him was the icing on the cake. The final nail in my proverbial coffin. Lately, he's all she's been talking about. Thankfully, he seems to be trying to hold himself to the standard I've set and is now taking on all of the former duties I was generously volunteering for. Between food and gas and miscellaneous I'll save a small fortune...not to mention the time commitment. I'm sure I'll still be called upon when the new guy is unavailable for whatever reason...but my desire to be there for her no matter what has already faded considerably. Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I'm jealous. But it's not a white hot rage or a complete rejection of our friendship I'm feeling...more just a shrug of the shoulders and the words 'it is what it is' repeating over and over in my head. I'll get over her. Working together won't make it easy, but to be honest, I'm intrigued by the challenge. We can be friends and colleague, but that special 'bond' that we shared...that I spent so much energy cultivating...is no longer my concern. I'll treat her like everyone else. No better, no worse. We'll share a laugh, I'll engage her in conversations about the things she likes to discuss...but that bond that I've felt that's tied me to her needs to be broken, and I'm committed to doing it. It's not spite, or anger...I'm doing it to save myself the pain I inflict on myself when I get shunted to the side. The other person has their life to get on with, and all the power to her, but I've got mine too...and in order for me to pick up my broken heart and move on, this is what I need to do.
And it is broken. Not as bad as it's been in the past...maybe because I've had time to see the train coming for a while...but that empty feeling I have isn't because I'm hungry.
Hopefully this is the last I write on the matter. It may not be, but I'm feeling somewhat at peace with the severed chord dangling off my body...like it's about time I did it, and it'll only get better from here on out.
I do hope the new guy cares about her as much as I do, and treats her as well as I did. If so, I really don't have anything to be upset with her about. Attraction is a two way street, and unfortunately for me, she never saw what I saw. It is what it is.
posted by neil at 2:00 PM
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