good/bad

I know if I was to look back at my posts over the years, I would find that I've used the term 'rollercoaster' more than a handful of times to describe my emotional state from one day to the next...or one hour to the next.  For some reason, I just can't seem to maintain a positive, content state of being for more than a few hours without having something (usually internal...usually all in my head) bring me back down.  It's awful.  I spend so much energy trying to distract myself from falling into the whirlpool of despair and doubt that even when I'm truly happy, or have a chance to be, I've got one eye on the black cloud that is 'somewhere' overhead.  

I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to determine the root cause of this overriding sense of doom that has soaked into the pores of my being, and I'm embarrassed to say that the dominant trigger is sex, intimacy, and my lack thereof. Further analysis has opened my eyes to the fact that I'm devastatingly stuck in a cycle of negativity when it comes to relationships that acts as a cause-and-effect trap I can't escape.  Sure, I could attempt to play the field, playing Russian Roulette with random women I meet at the usual hunting grounds...or venture into other tried-and-true methods for meeting other like-minded singles.  However, the truth of the matter is I feel as if I'm beyond help when it comes to finding the sort of connection I so desperately want.  I've been fucked over, rejected, strung along and kept at arms length so many times now that I just can't believe that I'll ever find someone who I can truly click with who clicks back.  

Have I given up?  Almost.

Every so often, I'll catch a glance or make eye contact with someone and I'll get that feeling that there's something there...but I'm so switched off and defensive that I try everything in my power to find a reason why I'm just imagining things.  I'll close myself off, cross my arms, put my head down and attempt to forget just how lonely I get sometimes so as not to put myself in the precarious position where I might get hurt...again.  It's no way to live life...this I know...but like an abused animal, the road to rehabilitation is one I'll need assistance finding, let alone walking down.  And let's be honest, who has time for that?

And so I search and search for more empty hobbies and distractions in order to take my mind off my many hurts and sorrows.  My loneliness shoved somewhere deep inside and pressed down so as not to get in the way of the day to day.  Work.  Bills.  Meals.  Sleep.  But it's always there, just under the surface, ready to cover me like a black tarp when I least can afford another sleepless night or rotten day.

I really, really, really don't want to be hurt again.  Avoidance is the only way.  But it only works some of the time.