case closed
"It's hard find something in a man who rejects people as much as you do." ~ Marty Hart (True Detective)
Fresh eyes. Fresh heart. I had a dream last night after I was finally able to go to sleep that was directly related to my last post. Seems like my unconscious...my subconscious...whatever...was trying to tell me something about the way I'm feeling about her.
Basically, I was told I'm wrong. Wrong to think the way I do. Wrong to feel the way I do. That I'm no better. That, in a way, I brought this all on myself. That this is the way it's supposed to be. It was a bitter pill to wake up to...to have that thrust in my face...but it made sense. Sort of how when a friend is blunt and tells you the truth, no matter how harsh, or how hurt you'll be.
I have to let go. All I'm doing is swimming around in circles in murky, polluted water. I'm making myself sick. It's unhealthy, it's sad, and it's not who I really want to be. Is this the closure I've been seeking? Maybe...but probably not. But it's something. It's a sign. It's honest.
At the end of the day, I'm not a people person. I've got a long way to go if I ever want to find the kind of connection I'm so desperate to make. The more and more it sinks in, this life, the more I'm beginning to realize that maybe I'm just meant for a different path. That mine is a solo journey. That I'm not meant to walk with someone else. It goes against what my heart wants...what my soul wants...but deep down inside I think I'm much better off if I just throw in the towel on trying to connect and instead try to find that feeling elsewhere...on my own. It's tough though...to stare out into the void and know that it's always going to be this way...or at least, it needs to be for the time being. I need to stop caring. I need to stop trying to attach myself to other people's stories. I'm writing my own story...and it doesn't include anybody else.
Just me.
She served her purpose. She was a great friend...taught me a lot about myself and how much I still need to grow and do and change...but it's time to turn the page and go another way. I'm sure some of the strings will be hard to cut...I know she'll try to 'stay friends'...and will probably bristle at any talk of keeping our distance...but the way things are going lately, I have a feeling she knows it too. It's why our connection is so strong. She's one of the few people ever to really hears me...whose ever really known me. She doesn't know the whole me...but she knows a big fucking chunk. It's going to be hard to let that go...knowing full well that it's taken over 20 years for me to find someone like her...and for someone to find something real in me...but if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. Not in that way anyway.
And so I'm going to let go. Hopefully for good. If we stay friends, over the long haul, great. If not...it won't be something I haven't dealt with before.
Fresh eyes. Fresh heart. I had a dream last night after I was finally able to go to sleep that was directly related to my last post. Seems like my unconscious...my subconscious...whatever...was trying to tell me something about the way I'm feeling about her.
Basically, I was told I'm wrong. Wrong to think the way I do. Wrong to feel the way I do. That I'm no better. That, in a way, I brought this all on myself. That this is the way it's supposed to be. It was a bitter pill to wake up to...to have that thrust in my face...but it made sense. Sort of how when a friend is blunt and tells you the truth, no matter how harsh, or how hurt you'll be.
I have to let go. All I'm doing is swimming around in circles in murky, polluted water. I'm making myself sick. It's unhealthy, it's sad, and it's not who I really want to be. Is this the closure I've been seeking? Maybe...but probably not. But it's something. It's a sign. It's honest.
At the end of the day, I'm not a people person. I've got a long way to go if I ever want to find the kind of connection I'm so desperate to make. The more and more it sinks in, this life, the more I'm beginning to realize that maybe I'm just meant for a different path. That mine is a solo journey. That I'm not meant to walk with someone else. It goes against what my heart wants...what my soul wants...but deep down inside I think I'm much better off if I just throw in the towel on trying to connect and instead try to find that feeling elsewhere...on my own. It's tough though...to stare out into the void and know that it's always going to be this way...or at least, it needs to be for the time being. I need to stop caring. I need to stop trying to attach myself to other people's stories. I'm writing my own story...and it doesn't include anybody else.
Just me.
She served her purpose. She was a great friend...taught me a lot about myself and how much I still need to grow and do and change...but it's time to turn the page and go another way. I'm sure some of the strings will be hard to cut...I know she'll try to 'stay friends'...and will probably bristle at any talk of keeping our distance...but the way things are going lately, I have a feeling she knows it too. It's why our connection is so strong. She's one of the few people ever to really hears me...whose ever really known me. She doesn't know the whole me...but she knows a big fucking chunk. It's going to be hard to let that go...knowing full well that it's taken over 20 years for me to find someone like her...and for someone to find something real in me...but if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. Not in that way anyway.
And so I'm going to let go. Hopefully for good. If we stay friends, over the long haul, great. If not...it won't be something I haven't dealt with before.
posted by neil at 1:24 AM
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