her
This whole not being able to sleep thing kinda sucks. I bust my ass at work...check that...I drag my tired ass out of bed after who knows how many hours of sleep to go to work, where I bust ass, trying to be everything I'm expected to be...push myself to my limits...only to come home and find myself staring at the ceiling thinking about everything.
I am starting to feel the grip that she had on my heart slipping...which is a relief as much as it pains me to let her go...let it go. It's hard to admit defeat and give up...watch someone who you've cared about for so long ride off into the sunset without you. I'm not entirely sure everything is going to work out OK for her...if I'm being entirely honest, I've seen this story before...and it ends in tears and lots of 'what was I thinking'...but that's love. It really fucks you up. It grabs the wheel and jerks you in a totally different direction than you were planning or had ever seen yourself traveling in. Sometimes it's for good...sometimes, you end up way off course and then find yourself floating in an ocean of doubt and regret. If I'm still being honest, part of me wants this to be the case...the jealous, vindictive side of me that only wants her to be happy if its with me...to have her learn a lesson about the reality of relationships and pouring too much of yourself into one person. She's hitched her wagon to her guy so completely over the past few months its kind of scary as much as it's sweet. There is a part of me that's happy for her...but I'm not sure it's the biggest part of me. I don't want to be someone who wishes disappointment on someone who's been so close to me, so integral to who I am now...and I think that's where a lot of the tug-of-war that's going on inside me comes from. I'm torn. I want her to be happy...I just wanted it to be with me. I also fear she's going to compromise what she's wanted, or said she's wanted over the past couple of years to be what she thinks she needs to be to be with him. That upsets me. I don't dislike the guy...but there's something I don't like about him either. I'm sure there is a lot of bias that's informing that opinion...another something that bothers me and causes me internal grief...but I've got a pretty solid track record when it comes to reading people, and my first instinct when I met him was 'hmmmmm'. Nice guy, clearly talented and artistic...but there was an air of phoniness about him that shot out right away. I doubt I could spend much time with him without rolling my eyes a few times and having to remove myself from his presence. It's part of the reason why I've distanced myself from her lately. Part of it, as I've said before, is out of self preservation...but part of it is not wanting to have her read my dislike for him. Dislike is probably too strong a word, I've only met him briefly, and probably said about 10 words to him...but nevertheless, I read people very well, and quite often my first instincts are correct. Scarily so sometimes. Am I convinced I'm right about him...and her...and them? No...but if I'm proven right I won't be surprised.
So where does this leave me...right now? I'm not sure. However I have, as is often the case, attempting to amplify in my minds eye things about her that I'm not attracted to. Essentially I'm trying to find reasons why things are better off this way. Her immaturity. Her quiet addiction to being the center of attention...or at least near the center of the groups attention...how she can be fake sometimes...but this is all a bunch of bullshit. I'm fixating on tiny, insignificant things that only a few months ago I found adorable or admirable. I'm just looking for a reason, any reason, to be OK with not being with her.
Yes, it's pathetic. But it's how I'm coping...and really, it's my only real option right now. Maybe if I was a bigger man...a better person I could remain her friend, be happy for the time we did get to spend together, and wish her well as she and him continue their blessed romance...but I'm not quite there yet. I'm close...but then the sleepless nights, and constant favours and bending over backwards to help her and attempting to fake being interested in the shit that she's interested in or chooses to share with me and finding myself actually interested...it's like she's cast a spell on me...that she's got me on strings and knows just which ones to tug at to get me to dance...all of it adds up to an even greater belief that she probably is the one...and I missed my shot...if I even had a shot...which I'm not really sure I had in the first place.
My gut tells me I did...somewhere along the way...and I missed my chance...and that all this is her unconscious way of payback...rubbing it in my face...showing me what could have been. But then again, it could all just be in my head...a story I'm telling myself. A work of fiction that I'm writing in order to rationalize the way I'm feeling and the way she makes me feel.
I said I'd stop talking about her. But I can't stop thinking about her...and there's nobody I can talk to about this...so this is my dumping ground.
Her. Work. Life. It's all a bit too much at the moment...
I am starting to feel the grip that she had on my heart slipping...which is a relief as much as it pains me to let her go...let it go. It's hard to admit defeat and give up...watch someone who you've cared about for so long ride off into the sunset without you. I'm not entirely sure everything is going to work out OK for her...if I'm being entirely honest, I've seen this story before...and it ends in tears and lots of 'what was I thinking'...but that's love. It really fucks you up. It grabs the wheel and jerks you in a totally different direction than you were planning or had ever seen yourself traveling in. Sometimes it's for good...sometimes, you end up way off course and then find yourself floating in an ocean of doubt and regret. If I'm still being honest, part of me wants this to be the case...the jealous, vindictive side of me that only wants her to be happy if its with me...to have her learn a lesson about the reality of relationships and pouring too much of yourself into one person. She's hitched her wagon to her guy so completely over the past few months its kind of scary as much as it's sweet. There is a part of me that's happy for her...but I'm not sure it's the biggest part of me. I don't want to be someone who wishes disappointment on someone who's been so close to me, so integral to who I am now...and I think that's where a lot of the tug-of-war that's going on inside me comes from. I'm torn. I want her to be happy...I just wanted it to be with me. I also fear she's going to compromise what she's wanted, or said she's wanted over the past couple of years to be what she thinks she needs to be to be with him. That upsets me. I don't dislike the guy...but there's something I don't like about him either. I'm sure there is a lot of bias that's informing that opinion...another something that bothers me and causes me internal grief...but I've got a pretty solid track record when it comes to reading people, and my first instinct when I met him was 'hmmmmm'. Nice guy, clearly talented and artistic...but there was an air of phoniness about him that shot out right away. I doubt I could spend much time with him without rolling my eyes a few times and having to remove myself from his presence. It's part of the reason why I've distanced myself from her lately. Part of it, as I've said before, is out of self preservation...but part of it is not wanting to have her read my dislike for him. Dislike is probably too strong a word, I've only met him briefly, and probably said about 10 words to him...but nevertheless, I read people very well, and quite often my first instincts are correct. Scarily so sometimes. Am I convinced I'm right about him...and her...and them? No...but if I'm proven right I won't be surprised.
So where does this leave me...right now? I'm not sure. However I have, as is often the case, attempting to amplify in my minds eye things about her that I'm not attracted to. Essentially I'm trying to find reasons why things are better off this way. Her immaturity. Her quiet addiction to being the center of attention...or at least near the center of the groups attention...how she can be fake sometimes...but this is all a bunch of bullshit. I'm fixating on tiny, insignificant things that only a few months ago I found adorable or admirable. I'm just looking for a reason, any reason, to be OK with not being with her.
Yes, it's pathetic. But it's how I'm coping...and really, it's my only real option right now. Maybe if I was a bigger man...a better person I could remain her friend, be happy for the time we did get to spend together, and wish her well as she and him continue their blessed romance...but I'm not quite there yet. I'm close...but then the sleepless nights, and constant favours and bending over backwards to help her and attempting to fake being interested in the shit that she's interested in or chooses to share with me and finding myself actually interested...it's like she's cast a spell on me...that she's got me on strings and knows just which ones to tug at to get me to dance...all of it adds up to an even greater belief that she probably is the one...and I missed my shot...if I even had a shot...which I'm not really sure I had in the first place.
My gut tells me I did...somewhere along the way...and I missed my chance...and that all this is her unconscious way of payback...rubbing it in my face...showing me what could have been. But then again, it could all just be in my head...a story I'm telling myself. A work of fiction that I'm writing in order to rationalize the way I'm feeling and the way she makes me feel.
I said I'd stop talking about her. But I can't stop thinking about her...and there's nobody I can talk to about this...so this is my dumping ground.
Her. Work. Life. It's all a bit too much at the moment...
posted by neil at 7:57 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home