do over
So this year hasn't exactly started off the way I had envisioned when the clock struck midnight on January 1st. I know, I know, it's kind of lame and sad to use the turning of the calendar as a pseudo self help line-in-the-sand...because really, its just another day. The fact that it's 2014 and not 2013 anymore isn't going to magically cause all (or most) of my problems to dissolve or disappear. But when you struggle as I have, you look for any sort of light at the end of the tunnel as a starting point to something better. Suffice to say, January has been a really, really tough month mentally, emotionally and physically. All three are intertwined, feeding the negativity beast that rumbles inside...and it's left me exhausted and searching for answers to questions I can't possibly answer.
All I can do is do.
So this year, I'm embracing Chinese New Year and drawing yet another line beneath everything that has come before...and I'm going to try again.
Pathetic? Kinda. Necessary? Yup. At this point in the story, I'm on my own. I've got nobody to turn to, nobody to lean on, and nobody to blame but myself. It's on me. I know this to be true because when I am able to string together a few positive days in a row, it's amazing how insignificant and small the 'problems' are. The same problems and troubles and issues that, as of yesterday, had me not sleeping, not eating, and basically hating life itself. My life in particular. Hate.
But looking at it through the prism tilted at a different angle, my life isn't so bad. My money troubles, while still clear and present, are not as dire as they were this time last year. I'm not sinking under the weight of my debt anymore, and there is hope I'll dig myself out of this mess in the next couple of years. My love life, or lack thereof, is still a sharp point of agony...it's just so damn hard to let go of someone you really, truly love and want to be with...but I see and know the damage this sort of pining can do, and has done. Gradually, I'm getting over it. They may be baby size steps I'm taking towards acceptance and understanding, but I am trying...and I can see (and feel) the pain and hurt isn't knife to the gut, heart and head it has been the past few months. I will get over it eventually, and as unfortunate as it is that I'll never know what could have been, I do know I'm a better person, and a better man for having known her and had the relationship I've had with her these past few years. Nobody can take that away. Sure, the hole in my life is large now that she's all but gone...and I have no fucking clue how I'll fill that hole...but I'm guessing time, other interests and distractions, work and something new will eventually, slowly start patching it up.
The biggest battle, of course, is the one I'll be fighting with that man in the mirror. The everyday battle between the man I am and the man I wish I was looking at. I still don't really know who that man is exactly...what it is that will make me happy...but I know it's going to take work, dedication, and a truckload of will power. I've become wired in such a way that the negative always gets to speak first...followed by a muted, somewhat haphazard rebuttal from the positive me. He spends a lot of time talking about and to other people, propping them up, but when it comes time to battle my negative self, The Champ, he constantly finds himself down for the count. Sometimes he hangs in there for a few days, wins a few rounds, but in the end, that mean old Champ packs one heck of a punch and eventually wears the challenger down.
I'm gearing up then, for one more title shot. I'm going to train, eat my vitamins, and refuse to let those doubting voices in my head poison this opportunity. Not this time. I'm not going to put my faith in someone else helping me out, or coming to my rescue. It's me versus it. One on one. He may be bigger than me, and stronger than me, with one heck of win/loss record against all comers...but he's also lazy, and predictable...and ugly too. Man is he ugly.
And so it begins.
I can win. I can win. I will win.
All I can do is do.
So this year, I'm embracing Chinese New Year and drawing yet another line beneath everything that has come before...and I'm going to try again.
Pathetic? Kinda. Necessary? Yup. At this point in the story, I'm on my own. I've got nobody to turn to, nobody to lean on, and nobody to blame but myself. It's on me. I know this to be true because when I am able to string together a few positive days in a row, it's amazing how insignificant and small the 'problems' are. The same problems and troubles and issues that, as of yesterday, had me not sleeping, not eating, and basically hating life itself. My life in particular. Hate.
But looking at it through the prism tilted at a different angle, my life isn't so bad. My money troubles, while still clear and present, are not as dire as they were this time last year. I'm not sinking under the weight of my debt anymore, and there is hope I'll dig myself out of this mess in the next couple of years. My love life, or lack thereof, is still a sharp point of agony...it's just so damn hard to let go of someone you really, truly love and want to be with...but I see and know the damage this sort of pining can do, and has done. Gradually, I'm getting over it. They may be baby size steps I'm taking towards acceptance and understanding, but I am trying...and I can see (and feel) the pain and hurt isn't knife to the gut, heart and head it has been the past few months. I will get over it eventually, and as unfortunate as it is that I'll never know what could have been, I do know I'm a better person, and a better man for having known her and had the relationship I've had with her these past few years. Nobody can take that away. Sure, the hole in my life is large now that she's all but gone...and I have no fucking clue how I'll fill that hole...but I'm guessing time, other interests and distractions, work and something new will eventually, slowly start patching it up.
The biggest battle, of course, is the one I'll be fighting with that man in the mirror. The everyday battle between the man I am and the man I wish I was looking at. I still don't really know who that man is exactly...what it is that will make me happy...but I know it's going to take work, dedication, and a truckload of will power. I've become wired in such a way that the negative always gets to speak first...followed by a muted, somewhat haphazard rebuttal from the positive me. He spends a lot of time talking about and to other people, propping them up, but when it comes time to battle my negative self, The Champ, he constantly finds himself down for the count. Sometimes he hangs in there for a few days, wins a few rounds, but in the end, that mean old Champ packs one heck of a punch and eventually wears the challenger down.
I'm gearing up then, for one more title shot. I'm going to train, eat my vitamins, and refuse to let those doubting voices in my head poison this opportunity. Not this time. I'm not going to put my faith in someone else helping me out, or coming to my rescue. It's me versus it. One on one. He may be bigger than me, and stronger than me, with one heck of win/loss record against all comers...but he's also lazy, and predictable...and ugly too. Man is he ugly.
And so it begins.
I can win. I can win. I will win.
posted by neil at 3:18 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home