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I don't really understand how I'm feeling right now. Today was exhausting. We got pummeled by a late winter storm that completely turned the city upside down from how it looked and felt just 24 hours ago. I was at work at 9 am, which might not sound all that terrible for all your normal working stiffs, but for someone who consistently works until 1 or 2 am, and doesn't get to sleep before 4 (if I'm lucky), getting up at quarter to 8 and having to be on the ball for 9 hours was a bit of a challenge. I made it through alright...though I was definitely flagging by mid afternoon. But of course, instead of easing myself into a relaxing evening and turning in at a reasonable hour, I'm sitting here at 3 in the morning and can feel myself in for another long night.
Not so much because I've got things on my mind...my mind is actually mush right now, and I'm not thinking a whole lot...but something is keeping me up. I just wish I could put my finger on it.
I think the whole crashing wave scenario has passed...and now I'm floating face down in the water trying to find the surface. The worst feels like it's passed...but not having a plan, a way forward is...unsettling.
After finally watching the final episode of the fantastic HBO show True Detective last night, I feel an even greater kinship with the character of Rust Cohle...his journey from dark to light. We don't share a lot...but there's something deep inside me that I'm wresting with that I witnessed in this fictional character that is haunting me right now. The fact that I actually kind of look like Rust, long hair and all, is a funny, if eerie coincidence. Things just have a way of speaking to me when I need or want them to...and this show, this character, and his journey spoke to me in a way that I haven't felt in a long, long time. It easily now ranks right up there with The Wire as one of my all-time favourite television shows ever...yet I'm almost happy it was only 8 episodes. It's like it would have been too much if we got any more...or had to wait for another season. The journey was incredible, but I'm glad and content that it's over.
I don't know how else to explain it. But I look at the picture below and I see me. Fucking scary sight it is. A man lost, tired, haunted...alone. I don't feel like I'm at the end of my rope...I don't feel like I'm quite ready to tie anything off...but I do feel like I'm at a critical juncture...and I have no clue which way I'm going to turn. What are my options...really? Where do I go from here? How do I 'move on'? All questions I've asked myself a thousand times before...each time as dead serious as the the time before...but this time...I feel older...wiser...but more beat up and defeated too. Do I have the strength to deal with whatever reality is around the corner? Can I keep this up?
I'm trying my best to just engulf myself in work and other distractions...but I have no long term plan...and any time I do start to have the slightest thought of the long term...and what might possibly be on the horizon...I get scared. I should be excited...at the very least, it's another new beginning. But it doesn't really feel like it. It doesn't quite feel like the end either.
Maybe this is limbo?
Not so much because I've got things on my mind...my mind is actually mush right now, and I'm not thinking a whole lot...but something is keeping me up. I just wish I could put my finger on it.
I think the whole crashing wave scenario has passed...and now I'm floating face down in the water trying to find the surface. The worst feels like it's passed...but not having a plan, a way forward is...unsettling.
After finally watching the final episode of the fantastic HBO show True Detective last night, I feel an even greater kinship with the character of Rust Cohle...his journey from dark to light. We don't share a lot...but there's something deep inside me that I'm wresting with that I witnessed in this fictional character that is haunting me right now. The fact that I actually kind of look like Rust, long hair and all, is a funny, if eerie coincidence. Things just have a way of speaking to me when I need or want them to...and this show, this character, and his journey spoke to me in a way that I haven't felt in a long, long time. It easily now ranks right up there with The Wire as one of my all-time favourite television shows ever...yet I'm almost happy it was only 8 episodes. It's like it would have been too much if we got any more...or had to wait for another season. The journey was incredible, but I'm glad and content that it's over.
I don't know how else to explain it. But I look at the picture below and I see me. Fucking scary sight it is. A man lost, tired, haunted...alone. I don't feel like I'm at the end of my rope...I don't feel like I'm quite ready to tie anything off...but I do feel like I'm at a critical juncture...and I have no clue which way I'm going to turn. What are my options...really? Where do I go from here? How do I 'move on'? All questions I've asked myself a thousand times before...each time as dead serious as the the time before...but this time...I feel older...wiser...but more beat up and defeated too. Do I have the strength to deal with whatever reality is around the corner? Can I keep this up?
I'm trying my best to just engulf myself in work and other distractions...but I have no long term plan...and any time I do start to have the slightest thought of the long term...and what might possibly be on the horizon...I get scared. I should be excited...at the very least, it's another new beginning. But it doesn't really feel like it. It doesn't quite feel like the end either.
Maybe this is limbo?
posted by neil at 3:59 AM
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