Neil's Arc
I want to preface this entry by making it clear that I am indeed an animal lover of the highest order. There is a place in my heart for all animals. If I had lived in the time of Noah, and had been charged with his duty of rounding up 2 of every creature, I would have made sure each and every living thing had a place on my arc.
Except for hornets, wasps and mosquitoes. I don’t get along with hornets, wasps and mosquitoes.
"That's him...that's the guy!"
Now that spring has arrived, so too have those yellow-striped winged pests…as I was made fully aware of today as I sat outside to eat my lunch. Everything was going nicely…the sun was out, the wind wasn’t too strong, and the food was hitting the spot…when all of a sudden I was distracted by a sharp stinging sensation in my arm. Sure enough, as yelped in pain, I turned to see a very large hornet burrowing his stinger into the back of my forearm. “Fucker!” I yelled as I tried to shake off the pain.
“You get stung?” was the query from the dude getting out of his pickup truck.
“Yup, I got stung.” was my plain reply.
“Yeah…I saw you.” he said as he entered the restaurant.
Clearly.
Lucky for me I caught the pest early, and he only left a small puncture…and the swelling has been minimal, but seriously, what the hell do these needles with wings contribute to the planet anyway? I’ve now been stung at least 5 times in my life…once on the eyelid (yeah, that was a fun day at the beach!)…once in the back…so I’m beginning to think its personal. While I seem to get along great with dogs and cats and other small ‘pets’…I also seem to have a bitter and confrontational relationship with wasps and hornets. These insects continually test my patience…cause me to embarrass myself in public…and altogether turn me into a scare-d-cat should one fly too close…and I think they KNOW this.
I mean, what right do they have to my coca cola? Does it really get pissed off if you try to shoo it away…switching on an attack mechanism that forces to retaliate by flying around your head for a good 1-2 minutes as you attempt to swat it away…with you standing still afterwards to see if it has indeed flown away…only to be unpleasantly surprised by it flying inches from your face? This one just up and landed on my arm and said ‘hey…check THIS out…” and stung me…maybe he was just one of those asshole wasps? You know the ones…emasculated from serving a needy and controlling woman all their lives, they take pleasure in inflicting pain and misery in other male creatures who enjoy the type of freedom they can only dream of.
If I had been in Noah’s shoes there is a very, very good chance I would have conveniently forgot to round up a nest of these pesky pests.
As for mosquitoes…well…I have no idea WHAT they do that’s so bloody important that we need billions of them…but with all that water that’d be lying around, I’m sure they would have survived a 30/30 flood.
Them and the cockroaches of course.
That cute face isn't going to work on me buddy!
Except for hornets, wasps and mosquitoes. I don’t get along with hornets, wasps and mosquitoes.
"That's him...that's the guy!"
Now that spring has arrived, so too have those yellow-striped winged pests…as I was made fully aware of today as I sat outside to eat my lunch. Everything was going nicely…the sun was out, the wind wasn’t too strong, and the food was hitting the spot…when all of a sudden I was distracted by a sharp stinging sensation in my arm. Sure enough, as yelped in pain, I turned to see a very large hornet burrowing his stinger into the back of my forearm. “Fucker!” I yelled as I tried to shake off the pain.
“You get stung?” was the query from the dude getting out of his pickup truck.
“Yup, I got stung.” was my plain reply.
“Yeah…I saw you.” he said as he entered the restaurant.
Clearly.
Lucky for me I caught the pest early, and he only left a small puncture…and the swelling has been minimal, but seriously, what the hell do these needles with wings contribute to the planet anyway? I’ve now been stung at least 5 times in my life…once on the eyelid (yeah, that was a fun day at the beach!)…once in the back…so I’m beginning to think its personal. While I seem to get along great with dogs and cats and other small ‘pets’…I also seem to have a bitter and confrontational relationship with wasps and hornets. These insects continually test my patience…cause me to embarrass myself in public…and altogether turn me into a scare-d-cat should one fly too close…and I think they KNOW this.
I mean, what right do they have to my coca cola? Does it really get pissed off if you try to shoo it away…switching on an attack mechanism that forces to retaliate by flying around your head for a good 1-2 minutes as you attempt to swat it away…with you standing still afterwards to see if it has indeed flown away…only to be unpleasantly surprised by it flying inches from your face? This one just up and landed on my arm and said ‘hey…check THIS out…” and stung me…maybe he was just one of those asshole wasps? You know the ones…emasculated from serving a needy and controlling woman all their lives, they take pleasure in inflicting pain and misery in other male creatures who enjoy the type of freedom they can only dream of.
If I had been in Noah’s shoes there is a very, very good chance I would have conveniently forgot to round up a nest of these pesky pests.
As for mosquitoes…well…I have no idea WHAT they do that’s so bloody important that we need billions of them…but with all that water that’d be lying around, I’m sure they would have survived a 30/30 flood.
Them and the cockroaches of course.
That cute face isn't going to work on me buddy!
posted by neil at 3:55 PM
1 Comments:
Ha ha ha... day at the beach. Yeah, mosquitos LOVE LOVE my blood. But I generally defeat them by drinking an excessive amount, so they die after one sip from my veins. I'm pretty sure most bugs were stowaways in some giraffe or babboon's mangy hair.
I hate people who say,"Are you o.k.?"
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