Holding My Breath
I don't usually have much trouble putting my thoughts into words. If an idea pops into my head, I can usually churn out a paragraph or two without really thinking about it. Often, it's the 'editing' process that takes the longest…the words just seem to come to me…lining up one after the other like little soldiers.
That is…until recently.
As of late…the words just haven't been coming. I've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks…resulting in my head being filled with the sort of distortion and 'static' one might find on a weak radio signal. I just haven't been able to articulate what I'm thinking or how I feel…at all. The other day, I read a really interesting, deep blog entry and was all set to reply…but after pressing the 'send' button and re-reading what I had written…it was so hit and miss…nothing but a messy ball of words...it left me scratching my head for hours afterwards. Now, there were a few readable lines of text, and a couple of my ideas made sense (to me at least) even though as anyone who reads my blog regularly can attest, my stuff can be quite cryptic and lacks a certain 'structure' which most people come to expect from writing...but overall I was disappointed with myself. Its as if somewhere between thought and extraction, something broke. I've even noticed when talking to someone face to face…be it at work or socially, I've been quite 'clouded' and 'blubbering'…catching and correcting myself on numerous occasions. They say 'think before you speak'…but what do you do when you aren't thinking clearly?
Now, this is somewhat normal behavior for me (I'm not what you would call 'smooth'…and do tend to 'rush' my words sometimes)…but it feels 'heavier' this time…more pronounced…like a weight pressing down on my chest.
I liken this shift in my insides to the difference between holding your breath…and holding your breath underwater. Holding your breath is relatively simple…but underwater, the pressure of the water, as well as the 'necessity' of the situation makes it a little more difficult. Someone who can hold their breath for a minute standing by the side of the pool often can't hold their breath that long in the pool. And that's sort of how I feel. Usually, I'm only slightly awkward…able to use quick thinking and (dare I say it) charm to smooth over any rough edges that might pop up during a conversation…but recently, its as if I've had a gun pointed at me.
I feel nervous…like I'm underwater.
That is…until recently.
As of late…the words just haven't been coming. I've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks…resulting in my head being filled with the sort of distortion and 'static' one might find on a weak radio signal. I just haven't been able to articulate what I'm thinking or how I feel…at all. The other day, I read a really interesting, deep blog entry and was all set to reply…but after pressing the 'send' button and re-reading what I had written…it was so hit and miss…nothing but a messy ball of words...it left me scratching my head for hours afterwards. Now, there were a few readable lines of text, and a couple of my ideas made sense (to me at least) even though as anyone who reads my blog regularly can attest, my stuff can be quite cryptic and lacks a certain 'structure' which most people come to expect from writing...but overall I was disappointed with myself. Its as if somewhere between thought and extraction, something broke. I've even noticed when talking to someone face to face…be it at work or socially, I've been quite 'clouded' and 'blubbering'…catching and correcting myself on numerous occasions. They say 'think before you speak'…but what do you do when you aren't thinking clearly?
Now, this is somewhat normal behavior for me (I'm not what you would call 'smooth'…and do tend to 'rush' my words sometimes)…but it feels 'heavier' this time…more pronounced…like a weight pressing down on my chest.
I liken this shift in my insides to the difference between holding your breath…and holding your breath underwater. Holding your breath is relatively simple…but underwater, the pressure of the water, as well as the 'necessity' of the situation makes it a little more difficult. Someone who can hold their breath for a minute standing by the side of the pool often can't hold their breath that long in the pool. And that's sort of how I feel. Usually, I'm only slightly awkward…able to use quick thinking and (dare I say it) charm to smooth over any rough edges that might pop up during a conversation…but recently, its as if I've had a gun pointed at me.
I feel nervous…like I'm underwater.
posted by neil at 9:54 PM
3 Comments:
I go through these phases, too. For me, it helps to step back and look at what isn't working in my life--whether it be a relationship, job, or my fear holding me back from something I must do. If I can manage to extricate myself from the situation or deal with the offending issue, then my ability to communicate coherently is once again freed.
The water analogy is perfect. I've been examining the metaphor of water a lot in my art lately, and have found it to be very apropos.
Ironic how a post about writer's block can be so well written. You got tha flava.
sasha - thanks. I agree, taking a step back (or stepping out of myself) when things are 'broken' is precisely what I’ve been trying to do for the past few weeks. I just haven’t been able to ‘clear the air’ yet…but I am feeling ‘stronger’. The water analogy sort of just came to me…but the water metaphor is one that comes up quite a bit in my writing (maybe I should explore that a bit more...)...I think it points to the sometimes urgent or ‘drowning’ feeling I get sometimes when life gets too be too much. Thanks again…your advice is much appreciated.
J – Thanks man. Its like I said…sometimes the words just come…but to be honest, I think I just got lucky this time…=)
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