i was wrong
It seems disappointment knows no bounds. Every layer of one’s life is vulnerable to the stings and stabs of its frozen kiss…and mine continues to prove no different. Why I continued to think that things would change…that I could change...I really have no idea. Hope? Hope is for suckers. Hope keeps people playing the lottery. Hope tricks people into believing that someone they love is going to pull through. Hope warps reality…bends it…deforms it…and while the initial feeling may be a positive one…even feel 'real'...slowly, all that twisting of the truth causes tension…too much tension…and it all comes uncoiled at the worst possible time…hurling you even deeper into the abyss…only now, its without a life preserver.
You are now truly, utterly lost.
There are hundreds of millions of people in the world who have it much, much worse than I do. This is fact. But right now, I don’t care…I can’t…because caring too much is how I got myself in this mess. I don't want to care anymore...but I can't help it.
And its killing me.
Time heals all wounds? That’s a fucking lie. Some wounds heal, but more often than not it’s the healed over ones that are constantly being reopened…usually with ones own hand…leaving painful scars all over the place. Deeper, messier, uglier scars. And those scars don’t go away. There is no magic cure…no medical procedure to smooth them over. They stay with you. And other people can see them, even if you try to cover them up. And it scares them...to me, they can be a sign of character...sure, some cut so deep there is no way around them, but for the most part, a scar or two can be quite beautiful when worn by the right person...but I'm not most people...and most people don't like scars. The people I meet, they want perfection...or their version of it...and there is nowhere to hide when it comes to scars. Every scar has a story...and they don't have happy endings.
Hope...it makes you forget temporarily that your body is pockmarked with sores and scarlet letters…a drug like haze that tricks you into thinking ‘maybe this time things will work out…’or ‘maybe the worst is behind me?'
But ‘this time’ never comes.
It never has.
You are now truly, utterly lost.
There are hundreds of millions of people in the world who have it much, much worse than I do. This is fact. But right now, I don’t care…I can’t…because caring too much is how I got myself in this mess. I don't want to care anymore...but I can't help it.
And its killing me.
Time heals all wounds? That’s a fucking lie. Some wounds heal, but more often than not it’s the healed over ones that are constantly being reopened…usually with ones own hand…leaving painful scars all over the place. Deeper, messier, uglier scars. And those scars don’t go away. There is no magic cure…no medical procedure to smooth them over. They stay with you. And other people can see them, even if you try to cover them up. And it scares them...to me, they can be a sign of character...sure, some cut so deep there is no way around them, but for the most part, a scar or two can be quite beautiful when worn by the right person...but I'm not most people...and most people don't like scars. The people I meet, they want perfection...or their version of it...and there is nowhere to hide when it comes to scars. Every scar has a story...and they don't have happy endings.
Hope...it makes you forget temporarily that your body is pockmarked with sores and scarlet letters…a drug like haze that tricks you into thinking ‘maybe this time things will work out…’or ‘maybe the worst is behind me?'
But ‘this time’ never comes.
It never has.
posted by neil at 10:10 PM
5 Comments:
http://www.careofthesoul.net/bioframe.htm
"The best in nature, like the best in art, is sacred. Look upon it respectfully, reverntially,or not at all. Even the wild beasts know that much".
Joaquin Miller, Game Regions of the Upper Sacramento (1888)
Wilderness Ethics 1993 Laura and Guy Waterman
Beautiful are the things we see
More beautiful those we understand
Much the most beautiful those we do not comprehend.
Niels Steesen 1638-1686
The Origin of the Universe John D Barrow
This made me sit forward and read, and then just sit back and sigh. I've been there, and then still sometimes I am.
I don't really know what is going on. But there will come a time where you will come across people that won't expect perfection; those are the perfect people. I don't know what the equation is to find those people but it seems like the universe knows what it is.
I've found if you don't question too much and you just trust that you'll be taken where you want to go things have a way... It's when I start worrying and questioning that I start fucking shit up for myself.
Be careful you don't become a cynic. It's like cirrhosis of your soul.
thanks...
You can't get too down when you write this well man. Put some of that energy into building a wall. I wasted too many years of my life defining my grief instead of fighting it.
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