the rain

I don't like today. I feel empty…weak…like I can’t catch my breath. I’m nervous…maybe even a little scared. Yes…I am scared. I’ve got a good idea what it is. Not one thing in particular…but the whole equation. Everything. It’s pressing down too hard right now. It’s always there…along with the questions. All those questions. Sometimes I’m able to cover it up and put it out of sight and out of mind…find the silence and float in it as long as I can.

But not today.

Today they circle me like a fleet of hungry vultures…sensing weakness...drunk off the stench. Why is it I don’t know what I’m looking for? Why can't I be sure? How come I can’t ever answer that question without having to stare out at a brick wall of doubt? Why is it so hard to find…so hard to touch? Its enough to make you want to detach…to just hide from it all…the joys and the pains…to try and forget that you don’t…you haven’t…you can’t.

And the worst part about it is that I can feel it…out there somewhere…that thing I’m looking for. That’s why I still wake up every day. One more day. It used to be because I had to. Now there’s something else driving me…something stronger. That’s why it gets to me…why it brings the rain inside.

I’m tired.



photo by: Rachel Wachs