not too late?

"My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come" ~ Jeff Buckley from 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over'

It's over. This last 'episode' is the final straw. The time has come to bury this mess once and for all. My heart can't take it anymore. I'll just have to do without and be done with it. I've made it this far on my own, so what's the rest of my life? For some reason I've never seen myself as an old man, so I can't see me still here at 50...and then it'll really be over. The few of you who read this will either a) chalk this up as another 'line that will be crossed' or b) see it as pathetic and sad that I'm 'giving up on all that life has to offer'.

Meh.

I've seen what life has to offer...I may not have looked under every rock, but I've turned over enough in my time to know that I should have found something by now. Not even a sniff. Oh sure...I've created some interesting situations with a combination of my imagination, some creative thinking and a trickle of pity (from them or me)...but in the end...zero. Could I have extended myself a little more? Tried a little harder? Cast a wider net? Sure...by why should I have to become someone I'm not comfortable being to find someone I want to be comfortable with? And I have reached out...don't tell me I haven't gone out on my share of limbs...only to have my hand slapped away time and again. My record doesn't lie.

Of course, there is that little voice (I can hear him right now) saying 'Oh, Neil...who are you trying to fool...you're lovesick heart will find someone else who'll make it perk up and start humming again...so stop your crying', but I'm good at shutting that stuff out if I really want to, its only because of a weak moment that I opened the door even a crack in the first place...because for quite a while, I was content being alone...so I want to shut the door and lock it up this time.

You tell yourself your not going to meet anyone...that your life is different. But you meet someone despite yourself. You convince yourself there's no chance...only to have hope slip in the crack in the door you 'accidently' left open. You know you're in trouble. Soon, the haze fades and it becomes all too clear that you're going to lose them...not that you even had them in the first place. And it hurts. Bad. But because your heart is open and raw, even though you don't want to, you meet someone else...she helps you forget. She makes you smile whenever she's around. But then you tell yourself 'it would never work.' And then she tells you 'it'll never work'. But it starts to work. Its in the way she looks at you. The way she talks to you. Her body is speaks a language that her lips avoid. But despite all this, one day, you lose her anyway because, well, you're a nice guy. Easy to talk to. All that crap. And no matter how 'amazing' or 'special' you are, there's someone else. There's always someone else. Someone who makes them feel the way you do about them. And that's it. And now your heart is really bruised and tender...and just wants to put in a box and left the fuck alone forever.

Welcome to my life.

'Its never over"