what is it?

How can one day be so miserable, so dark and full of feelings of dread and doubt...and the next be so full of good cheer and positive thoughts? I had a terrible, sleepless night last night...and was forced awake early for work after maybe 3 good hours of sleep...and it was like everything was putting a smile on my face. Cute dogs. Cute babies. Nice people. Even the difficult ones didn't get to me. I made an effort right from the start, and it paid off nicely...but the same thoughts that would usually bring me down, weren't working like the usually do. I was seeing the bright side of life today.

So how come I can't do that everyday? How come some days, I carry around this weight with me that feels like its dragging me through ground? Its like a shadow I can't shake...making my life cold and dank...and then today its gone. Nothing changed...yet everything changed. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring...but I REALLY don't know...and that's what kills me the most. If I could somehow prepare, you know, get a little early warning or something...I'm sure I could manage a little better than I do.

But those days when waking up feels like breaking out of a cell, and facing the trials of the day makes you a little sick inside...and the doubt, and all those other feelings that aren't sitting well start mixing and churning away inside your brain...and this can go on for days...

I've had far too many of those kind of days the past few months...and not enough of the ones like today. I ain't asking for shit anymore, cause I never get what I want...but if there's something I can do to keep more of these coming my way, I'll do it. I'm eating leftovers tonight...might help?