straw house
I’m trying to stay the course on this one. Long term. Baby steps.
Some days are harder than others. I think the best way to describe what I’m trying to do right now is ‘hold it together’…because it feels like at any moment, any piece of me could break off and fall away and cause a total collapse. My insides are going crazy. Its like my heart and my brain are being split into multiple units...like cells dividing...ripping and tearing...all now working overtime on a different problem/situation. I'm hurting. But if I can hold it together, maybe the parts will start to fuse back together...better and stronger than before.
Fuck.
I’m just clutching at straws right now, trying to keep myself positive. Fuck. I hate that I’m still counting on someone else to come into my life and help me help myself. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? How did all these years of heartache and pain not result in my throwing in the towel years ago? I can't do it anymore. Its just too much.
Now I'm just tired. So fucking tired. I hate that I sound like a broken record...and that this blog has been reduced to...this...you'd think one of these days I'd read something that I've posted for the 1000th time and it would sink in and I'd get it. I hate that I can’t break the cycles that keep me going down, down, down…only to start all over again at the top.
Some days are harder than others. I think the best way to describe what I’m trying to do right now is ‘hold it together’…because it feels like at any moment, any piece of me could break off and fall away and cause a total collapse. My insides are going crazy. Its like my heart and my brain are being split into multiple units...like cells dividing...ripping and tearing...all now working overtime on a different problem/situation. I'm hurting. But if I can hold it together, maybe the parts will start to fuse back together...better and stronger than before.
Fuck.
I’m just clutching at straws right now, trying to keep myself positive. Fuck. I hate that I’m still counting on someone else to come into my life and help me help myself. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? How did all these years of heartache and pain not result in my throwing in the towel years ago? I can't do it anymore. Its just too much.
Now I'm just tired. So fucking tired. I hate that I sound like a broken record...and that this blog has been reduced to...this...you'd think one of these days I'd read something that I've posted for the 1000th time and it would sink in and I'd get it. I hate that I can’t break the cycles that keep me going down, down, down…only to start all over again at the top.
posted by neil at 11:16 PM
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