window shopping

I don’t know what all of this is going to turn into. In days gone by, I sometimes couldn’t wait to jump on the computer and spew words onto the screen, eager to see if any of it made sense afterwards. It was all so new and fresh. Now, it feels kind of forced. That could just be me working off the rust, but I really don’t know why I’m doing this again?

Ultimately, I’m hoping that maybe the forced honesty that this forum provides will give me a slap in the face to what I’m doing wrong? Or maybe it’ll tell me who I am now?

I think more than before, I have a lot more questions. I thought I had the answers before. I’m a smart guy…I’ve learned a thing or two along the way…but the older I get, it seems like when it comes to the important stuff, I’m kind of clueless.

Actually, I think more than anything I’ve just been sticking my head in the sand far too often instead of facing the reality of whatever situation is before me. I’ve let my imagination…my idealism…my romanticism run reckless as I attempted to build this misguided, fantasy-land of an existence shuttered away from the rest of the ugly world.

I’ve been kidding myself.

I’m not sure I know how to change…I’m afraid I’m pretty set in my ways at my age…but the stars seem to be aligning for one more window to redemption…and I intend on forcing my way through it.