the next day
What a soul-fuckingly-horrible day! I knew as soon as I tried to lay my head down last night...hell, I knew while I was typing my last blog post before I tried to lay my head down to sleep that I was in for a rough one. I couldn't fall asleep. I was groggy and in a strange mood when I woke up, and slid into depression after only an hour. Then came news that literally made my head and insides spin, on multiple levels...followed by working a dazed 8 hour shift at my harder-than-it-looks inspired salesman/stock boy job. Inhaled two servings of bad fast food, and topped it off with an uncomfortable couple of hours in my apartment. Not even allowed to enjoy the finale of Season 4 of Californication (meh), was I.
And so I sit here, totally and utterly...lost. I have no idea what to do.
My problem is I can't pick just one. I can't limit myself to one goal, one job, one career, one life. I can't make up my mind. Where I used to be very good at a lot of things, but not great at anything...now I'm just pretty good at most things, but not really good enough. And the one thing I was good at, is a dying art.
I don't like customer service, but when I'm on, I'm pretty fucking good at what I do. Problem is, far too often I have to work up the energy to face another day dealing with strangers with a smile on my face...and recently, I've been struggling to do my job the way it needs to be done. You get shitty service 80% of the time now pretty much everywhere, and the thing is, its just accepted now. I understand sometimes its hard to suck it up for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but that's the job. I've always held myself to a higher standard, and I like to think its served me well, in a Zen kind of way, but lately, I'm losing my will to do it. Its like I'm starting to not care. And to me, that's a bad sign. I've been in the dumps, felt like life was going nowhere, but I always cared about what I did, and what energy I put out into the world. There was a way for me to contribute, somehow. Now...what's it all for?
I need a hint, something to keep me going. Is it just 30 more years of this, and then I breakdown and die? I see what my Dad's going through now, and its tough. Tough to watch him getting old, tough to think it'll be me before long. By my age he was already well on his way. He and Mom had been married a year or so, and I was about 2 months from being created. They had a house, good jobs, making good money...what have I got?
I know I chose this path...some time long ago this all made sense...I was going to learn something that was going to make sense of life. There's no making sense of life. All I've done is hidden myself from the world, and the world from myself. I still know what goes on out there...I can smell it and taste it in the air...like a seventh sense...I just know...but maybe it would have been worth it to have seen it with my own eyes? Just to say.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow.
And so I sit here, totally and utterly...lost. I have no idea what to do.
My problem is I can't pick just one. I can't limit myself to one goal, one job, one career, one life. I can't make up my mind. Where I used to be very good at a lot of things, but not great at anything...now I'm just pretty good at most things, but not really good enough. And the one thing I was good at, is a dying art.
I don't like customer service, but when I'm on, I'm pretty fucking good at what I do. Problem is, far too often I have to work up the energy to face another day dealing with strangers with a smile on my face...and recently, I've been struggling to do my job the way it needs to be done. You get shitty service 80% of the time now pretty much everywhere, and the thing is, its just accepted now. I understand sometimes its hard to suck it up for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but that's the job. I've always held myself to a higher standard, and I like to think its served me well, in a Zen kind of way, but lately, I'm losing my will to do it. Its like I'm starting to not care. And to me, that's a bad sign. I've been in the dumps, felt like life was going nowhere, but I always cared about what I did, and what energy I put out into the world. There was a way for me to contribute, somehow. Now...what's it all for?
I need a hint, something to keep me going. Is it just 30 more years of this, and then I breakdown and die? I see what my Dad's going through now, and its tough. Tough to watch him getting old, tough to think it'll be me before long. By my age he was already well on his way. He and Mom had been married a year or so, and I was about 2 months from being created. They had a house, good jobs, making good money...what have I got?
I know I chose this path...some time long ago this all made sense...I was going to learn something that was going to make sense of life. There's no making sense of life. All I've done is hidden myself from the world, and the world from myself. I still know what goes on out there...I can smell it and taste it in the air...like a seventh sense...I just know...but maybe it would have been worth it to have seen it with my own eyes? Just to say.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow.
posted by neil at 1:14 AM
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