hurt breath
I got a phone call this morning that instantly turned my mood from calm and collected to nervous and anxious. I knew I was in a jam. I'm attempting to turn my life in another, more professional direction, and had an interview with an insurance company regarding getting a start in the industry. It went pretty well. I'm not 100% ready to take this step, but I'm more than halfway there...I'm actually most of the way there, but there are still hurdles. It marks, for me, the end of 'this' person. The guy who stays up until 3:00 am philosophizing and watching re-runs of The Simpsons. The guy who continues to have fading dreams of one day directing a film and perusing artistic goals and endeavours over getting a career and earning 'real' money.
The world beat me down. And I just stood there and took it. I tried, but I didn't really try. I was never nose deep in my convictions to ever jump all the way. I've done a lot of wading. I've done even more watching. From my earliest days my parents have said that I always stood off to the side and watched. It took a long time, and usually coercion, for me to eventually join in. I don't know what was different from the ages of about 8 to 14, but for a while I was at the front of the pack. Looking back, I think it had a lot more to do with the fact that I was the tallest, the fastest and the loudest kid in my classes for most of my Elementary days than any other variable, but I was also a pretty sharp kid too, and was a leader. As soon as High School sunk in, I changed. I became a shrinking violet, and health issues combined with an already battered self esteem totally derailed me. I still had my old group of friends, but even we were drifting apart as God, girls and grades all got in the way. I also made new friends, and formed new bonds with people who made me feel like I was at the front of the pack again. Of course, it wasn't the same...and those friendships eventually faded faster than previous ones had. University was more of the same, only condensed all in one year. I bounced around groups and cliques all year, never really fitting in anywhere, until I got spit out onto the road along with a couple other guys and we became friends. It lasted 4 years, and I still consider them more brothers than friends for the times we shared, living together for the last 2. I'm the third wheel of the group, but I also felt like I belonged...well, as much as I ever have, really. I've made a few good friends in the years since school, but honestly, I just don't have the time or patience anymore.
How horrible is that?
I hate everything! I don't care! Things are only getting worse all over! How the hell am I supposed to stay positive, and think positive, and strive for that retirement that I'll never get to enjoy? I may never own my own house. I honestly didn't even think that was an option when I was 15. Or 20. I'm probably never going to be a father. I doubt I'll get married. What am I doing here? And don't tell me its to help other people, cause as much as I'd like to believe that, that's kind of what I've been doing my entire life, and it doesn't light me up inside. Its partly to blame for why I'm here. I am just not ambitious. I try and stare off into my future, to see perhaps a hint of what it is I'm after...and its always the same. Blank. I'm not kidding, since I stopped being a kid, I have honestly had no clue what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. Part of it was me not wanting to choose...but it was also not being able to choose. I'm pretty good at a lot of things. But I've never been great at anything. I've been very good...soccer player, track and field athlete, politician, journalist, boss, friend...but never great. No, that's not true...I was a great video store clerk. But that vocation doesn't exist anymore. Anyway, if there was something I knew I could be great at...well...I'd probably pick that path at this point...but I still feel like I lost. Like I'm walking away with the consolation prize.
I honestly hate everything I've said here tonight. I don't know what this is?
The world beat me down. And I just stood there and took it. I tried, but I didn't really try. I was never nose deep in my convictions to ever jump all the way. I've done a lot of wading. I've done even more watching. From my earliest days my parents have said that I always stood off to the side and watched. It took a long time, and usually coercion, for me to eventually join in. I don't know what was different from the ages of about 8 to 14, but for a while I was at the front of the pack. Looking back, I think it had a lot more to do with the fact that I was the tallest, the fastest and the loudest kid in my classes for most of my Elementary days than any other variable, but I was also a pretty sharp kid too, and was a leader. As soon as High School sunk in, I changed. I became a shrinking violet, and health issues combined with an already battered self esteem totally derailed me. I still had my old group of friends, but even we were drifting apart as God, girls and grades all got in the way. I also made new friends, and formed new bonds with people who made me feel like I was at the front of the pack again. Of course, it wasn't the same...and those friendships eventually faded faster than previous ones had. University was more of the same, only condensed all in one year. I bounced around groups and cliques all year, never really fitting in anywhere, until I got spit out onto the road along with a couple other guys and we became friends. It lasted 4 years, and I still consider them more brothers than friends for the times we shared, living together for the last 2. I'm the third wheel of the group, but I also felt like I belonged...well, as much as I ever have, really. I've made a few good friends in the years since school, but honestly, I just don't have the time or patience anymore.
How horrible is that?
I hate everything! I don't care! Things are only getting worse all over! How the hell am I supposed to stay positive, and think positive, and strive for that retirement that I'll never get to enjoy? I may never own my own house. I honestly didn't even think that was an option when I was 15. Or 20. I'm probably never going to be a father. I doubt I'll get married. What am I doing here? And don't tell me its to help other people, cause as much as I'd like to believe that, that's kind of what I've been doing my entire life, and it doesn't light me up inside. Its partly to blame for why I'm here. I am just not ambitious. I try and stare off into my future, to see perhaps a hint of what it is I'm after...and its always the same. Blank. I'm not kidding, since I stopped being a kid, I have honestly had no clue what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. Part of it was me not wanting to choose...but it was also not being able to choose. I'm pretty good at a lot of things. But I've never been great at anything. I've been very good...soccer player, track and field athlete, politician, journalist, boss, friend...but never great. No, that's not true...I was a great video store clerk. But that vocation doesn't exist anymore. Anyway, if there was something I knew I could be great at...well...I'd probably pick that path at this point...but I still feel like I lost. Like I'm walking away with the consolation prize.
I honestly hate everything I've said here tonight. I don't know what this is?
posted by neil at 12:35 AM
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