hunting rabbits

"He who who chases two rabbits, catches none."

I'm clearly only at the beginning of where I'm going...but where I'm going and what I'm going after is starting to materialize.  My focus is narrowed.  My thinking clearer.  I've got blinders on and the result is I'm much more in tune with what I want and need than I have been.  I haven't 'changed' all that much, but my focus is sharper, and with that, I've managed to shed a lot of the external noise that's been distracting me.

Meditating in the morning, every morning, really helps.  Not worrying what others think helps.  Not apologizing for who I am and what I say, even if instinctively I want to apologize, is giving me a new found confidence I didn't think I had in me.  It ultimately may not have the specific desired result I am hoping for...but I'll be a better person, and a stronger individual in the end.

So far, so good.  I'm in a good place right now, even though I'm still struggling with things.  But I'm not forcing it.  I'm not dwelling on my shortcomings or my regrets.  I'm still making choices based on feelings I'd rather not have...avoiding family out of sheer awkwardness.  But it is what it is, and I'm embracing it and not going to apologize for it.  It's for the best.  I'm doing it for a reason...maybe even a good one.

It can still go tits up.  I can still find a way to fuck it up.  I can still find myself at the bottom of the ladder this time next month if I don't keep it up.  But the results so far are encouraging.

Eyes on the prize.