e

I honestly don't know where I'm finding the will to keep going.  I'm on an endless treadmill of physical and mental exhaustion that only seems to be getting tougher every new day.  I wake up a little more tired, a little more weary each morning...and yet I push through the tired eyes and legs and soul.  Work is brutal right now.  My only saving grace is that I like my jobs and that I'm good at them.  That being said, today was my first day after my promotion at one of them, and the added pressure and responsibility was more than I imagined.  Nothing I can't handle long term...but in the now, the way I'm feeling..it's going to be a tough road for the next few weeks.  Lots to remember, lots more to do...I fear I may have bitten off a bit more than I can chew right now.  

And that's to say nothing about my emotion state and the daily torture I'm putting myself through there.  I promised you and myself that I'd stop talking about it...but that hasn't stopped the daily thoughts and imagined movie-like visions I've been having from torturing me further.  I've made promises I shouldn't have...and being a mad of my word...and a glutton for punishment...I'm now stuck.  Stuck playing the derided friend.  The afterthought.  Hearing her talk about him...constantly...makes it impossible not to imagine what's going on between the two of them.  It's fucking awful.  But I made this bed, and I've got to lie in it.  What her mother, who I've chatted with a few times, and her father must think of me...the spot I've carved out for myself...the way I instantly volunteer my time...I'm one step away from total embarrassment.  At this point, it has nothing to do with impressing her.  That part of the dance is over.  It was a long time ago, only I'm just getting the memo.  Now, it's a matter of loyalty...of not being a suck about it.  And yet here I am...a twisted ball of misery and nerves.  

Today was a hard day.  I don't understand how people work 7 days a week...2 or 3 jobs...out of necessity.  I'm getting a taste of it...a taste...and I'm ready to fall over.  How they do it day after day after day?  I'm guessing family gets them through.  Love.  Devotion.  The dream of a better life just around the corner.  Next month and then I can slow it down a bit.  Only there is no light at the end of that mine shaft, because we're facing the wrong way.  We're going down, not up.  Deeper.

More than anything, I want to make it through this to prove to myself I've got the guts, and the will to do it.  That I can tough it out where I might have quit before.  That I somehow deserve what I'm getting for years of taking the easy road.

I'm running on empty in more ways than one right now.  Let's see how far the needle goes?