St. Patrick's Day
I'm waiting for some chicken nuggets to cook so I thought I'd jump on here and see what comes out. I'm on my way to getting drunk and fed, alone, but happy. I decided against going out with 'the group' tonight because, well, in my mind it was a lose-lose situation. I had a strong feeling that I was merely being invited because of guilt, and a little bit of 'look at me'. It might have been fun, and a part of me really wanted to turn the other cheek, be the bigger man, and show just how much I don't really care that I was obviously being used as a pawn in her game. I had visions of sitting across a table from her and her boy, cuddling and kissing and making sweet faces...him with his arm around her waist...and as much as I wanted to go just so I could pretend like I didn't give a shit, I knew deep down that it was going to kill me to see that...and would result in a number of sleepless nights and angst and all that other shit that goes along with a broken heart.
So I'm staying home. I'm going to drink some beers, eat some chicken, watch a movie, and just try and not think about what could have been. I had it all planned out just in case I went. I was going to be the consumate 'too cool for this shit' guy...I was going to pretend like it didn't bother me in the least...I was going to avoid eye contact and talk to everyone there but her and him...but deep down I knew that the fallout from an evening out with them was going to have a serious ripple effect on my continuted progress...so I decided to pull the 'I'm good, have fun' card and just avoid the whole situation. Let's be honest, St. Patrick's Day is one of the busiest drinking days of the year...so my gut told me that it was going to be a packed bar...we were going to have to wait for a table (if we even got in) and it was going to be full of drunk (or on their way to being drunk) people, all preening and showing off and being loud...and frankly, I just don't dig that kind of scene. It would have been cool to have a night out with some work colleagues, and the chance to get to know a couple of them outside of work was intriguing and made me curious...but in the end, just the idea of having to watch the two of them 'be a couple' together just fucked with my head too much. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it...and what to do...but I decided that I'd see how I felt when I woke up and if I was up for it, I'd go and kick this nights ass like a someone who didn't give a shit.
But I do give a shit.
Does that make me a coward? Maybe. But I think not going ends up being my best play. I don't end up looking like the jilted lover, cause there was a distinct possibility that that was going to happen...I don't end up leaving early because I can feel myself being the wet blanket/fifth wheel of the group...I don't have to worry about having too much to drink and how the hell I'm going to get home...I can just sit back, enjoy a 6 pack and some tasty nuggets in the comfort of my own apartment, and hear about it all next time I'm working. Or not. Honestly, I'd be just fine if nobody speaks of this night to me and I continue creating more and more distance between us to the point where she's just another work colleague and her private/social life is just that...hers.
Don't get me wrong...there's a tinge of sadness because, well, this is me totally giving up and there's a piece of me that really doesn't want to...but the writing is on the wall...I'm on the outside looking in, and tonight would have only re-inforced that. Sure, I may have had a good time, a few laughs, and impressed with my maturity and charm...but I'm still not ready for all that yet...so avoidance is the best course of action in this case. Will there be other times? Maybe. Do I care? Not really. The more I think about it, August can't come soon enough. She'll be long gone, starting her new life on the other side of the country...I won't have to see her anymore...and I can find my new comfort zone and reality and embrace it and live it.
At the end of the day, I know I'm still not over her...and it may be a long, long, long time before I can honestly say that I am...but I'm getting there. I really am. The pull isn't as strong. The longing not as powerful. The memories and feelings are fading. It's equal parts encouraging and terribly sad. Kind of like my life right now.
So I'm staying home. I'm going to drink some beers, eat some chicken, watch a movie, and just try and not think about what could have been. I had it all planned out just in case I went. I was going to be the consumate 'too cool for this shit' guy...I was going to pretend like it didn't bother me in the least...I was going to avoid eye contact and talk to everyone there but her and him...but deep down I knew that the fallout from an evening out with them was going to have a serious ripple effect on my continuted progress...so I decided to pull the 'I'm good, have fun' card and just avoid the whole situation. Let's be honest, St. Patrick's Day is one of the busiest drinking days of the year...so my gut told me that it was going to be a packed bar...we were going to have to wait for a table (if we even got in) and it was going to be full of drunk (or on their way to being drunk) people, all preening and showing off and being loud...and frankly, I just don't dig that kind of scene. It would have been cool to have a night out with some work colleagues, and the chance to get to know a couple of them outside of work was intriguing and made me curious...but in the end, just the idea of having to watch the two of them 'be a couple' together just fucked with my head too much. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it...and what to do...but I decided that I'd see how I felt when I woke up and if I was up for it, I'd go and kick this nights ass like a someone who didn't give a shit.
But I do give a shit.
Does that make me a coward? Maybe. But I think not going ends up being my best play. I don't end up looking like the jilted lover, cause there was a distinct possibility that that was going to happen...I don't end up leaving early because I can feel myself being the wet blanket/fifth wheel of the group...I don't have to worry about having too much to drink and how the hell I'm going to get home...I can just sit back, enjoy a 6 pack and some tasty nuggets in the comfort of my own apartment, and hear about it all next time I'm working. Or not. Honestly, I'd be just fine if nobody speaks of this night to me and I continue creating more and more distance between us to the point where she's just another work colleague and her private/social life is just that...hers.
Don't get me wrong...there's a tinge of sadness because, well, this is me totally giving up and there's a piece of me that really doesn't want to...but the writing is on the wall...I'm on the outside looking in, and tonight would have only re-inforced that. Sure, I may have had a good time, a few laughs, and impressed with my maturity and charm...but I'm still not ready for all that yet...so avoidance is the best course of action in this case. Will there be other times? Maybe. Do I care? Not really. The more I think about it, August can't come soon enough. She'll be long gone, starting her new life on the other side of the country...I won't have to see her anymore...and I can find my new comfort zone and reality and embrace it and live it.
At the end of the day, I know I'm still not over her...and it may be a long, long, long time before I can honestly say that I am...but I'm getting there. I really am. The pull isn't as strong. The longing not as powerful. The memories and feelings are fading. It's equal parts encouraging and terribly sad. Kind of like my life right now.
posted by neil at 8:56 PM
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