pivot foot

Looking back over past blog entries from as recent as just last year, it is easy to see that I just don't have it anymore.  I was really trying back then.  Really trying to say something, or figure something out.  Now, I'm a bystander.  I'm not engaged.  I can't, for the life of me, find any reason to try and puts words to paper...the ideas have died on the vine, and I just want to forget every dream I ever had of being a writer.  I'm in the midst of a major life sell-off in an attempt to shed all of this excess weight, and try and at least enjoy the next/last few years of my life.  I'm not expecting to die any day now, or really any time soon...but I also don't expect to live into my 50's.  For the longest time I didn't think I'd live to see my 40's, but I'm getting pretty close to that benchmark, so who knows, maybe I will get a chance to find out what it feels like to be a forty year old man?

More than anything, however, is this general feeling of submission.  I haven't fully accepted it yet, but I'm about as close to on my knees and begging for some semblance of mercy as I have ever been.  I just don't see any other way out.  I'm not going to, all of a sudden, seize the day, get lucky, and find myself a nice job, and a nice apartment and a nice life.  Not going to happen.  So what I'm trying to figure out, is if I am going to be stuck here for another decade or so, what would I want to do if there were little or no consequences?  Can I justify selling everything I own and just taking off in my car somewhere forever?  Or do I just need to push the reset button on my 'career' and get a job making pizzas or something?  Do I ditch all of my friends?  Do I distance myself from family?  Or do I double down and finally attempt to let some of these well meaning, if imperfect, people in?  I wish I actually had confidence in my decision making, because I don't doubt the right choice in any of these areas might improve my days significantly.

Alas, I am a fool.  I will most certainly choose wrong.